3554230's blog: "A Heartfelt Note"

I woke this morning feeling a bit disturbed and maybe a little vunerable.

My about me section I felt just about summed it up for me but then maybe not.Then I started writing a blog here and there to show more pieces of who I am,just in case someone really wanted to know.

I now wake up as I said above and realize that some of the ones I have gotten close to I may be hurting.I went through a spell of taking everyone out of my family because things were being said & even though nothing is being said at this momen, if I changed it around for my reasons it would be.I have never put in order who I like better or more than this one or that one I had my own system but from what I hear from others they take it as if you are number one then that is who you like the most..I dont do it like that,If I could I would put everyone first.So I am thinking of getting that gone again as well.

I feel I need to say that I am only one person and even if one of the other girls get on I am still just that one person.I wished I could talk to everyone at once and not leave anyone out.Do you have any idea how hard that is.I dont care how close we are.Sometimes I simple dont see your shouts or sometimes I may be deep in a good conversation and to steer away from it would be rude and some times believe or not I am not at the computer.(Which has become more of the reason than the others).I seriously don't mean to ignore you and if you feel I do then I am sorry.

Here is what I mainly come here to say.I was never going to do this and in a way I still am not.I am only going to touch base on it.I am pretty much a private person but here it goes.

There is probably not even a handful on this site that knows what is going on.I have said this before.It will stay that way.I am not the type of person that tries to get attention from a situation going on in there life.I have heard some people do that on here,.but I am not one of those people.I say this because of what I really need to say in the end of this to make all of this make sense.

I am a 24 year old rasied by a preacher most of her life.I love the fact that I was.It was an awesome life.I know they say that preachers daughter are rebellious and do bad things,I guess I need to be thankful I am not like this.I have been blessed with a son and great friends and family.I love them dearly as they love me as well.I mean who couldnt love me right? haha

I know I am stalling...Just noticed that.Ughhh  I have some health issues,what those are I will not tell.Is it serious some of you may wish to ask.To be perfectly honest.Yes they are.Will I make it.Oh HELL YES I will.the bottom line of me telling you this,is that I know I have probably hurt some people on here along the way.So this I say to you.

I am sorry,there are no excuses just feelings of what I feel I am going through.You can either accept it,talk about it or maybe we dont need to be friends right now.It is just that right now I feel like I am in a box and the walls are closing in on me.Sometimes I feel like I cant breathe,probably due to fear that I try not to show.I try to stay upbeat for the most part but it is hard.I dont like people seeing a side of me in this way,so I shut down.It has nothing to do with you.I miss my life terribly.I have had to come to a state I dont know,my life has been interrupted and I miss my son.I have never been away from him for not even one night.

Alot of times I dont feel like talking,I am starting to see more of that now than I did before.I can see I am starting to shut off the world but that isnt your fault.I cant offer you or anyone on here anymore than this until I know what my life has in store for me.It would be wrong of me to even think I can.

I have had one procedure and now one treatment behind me and with that brought pain and made me feel like crap off and on for about 2 days,and even today I am not 100%, even after this small mildstome I have went through that was rough enough for me to say...I think I need to do this alone.I can't and wont put anyone through my ups and downs.I just can not.So until I am through this,everything has been put on hold or for my life that is.I am sorry.It is how it needs to be.I hope you will be my friend with the understanding I may go through a day or days of not wanting to talk except just on here.I think I need to do this for a reason.It helps me to keep a handle on things.To not fall in love or to simply just love at a moment I dont have a right.

I know to many this will not make sense but to some it will make all the sense in the world..My heart has started to care and at this time I feel I have to stop it.No one knows what there life will bring,but at least I know what I feel I must do so that I dont bring anymore or anyone any pain.

Ty

Hey Happy Fathers day to those that are Daddies or soon will be.Just because you may have one in the oven doesnt mean your not a daddy yet.To me you are..

So Happy Fathers Day !!!!!!

Love you guys...Huggles and kisses and not one word of sorries or hope you will be fine,the first one that does I will pop you in the nose.LOL Make it bleed too..Whomp