Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook
Mom in her teddy, and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry
That I lost my boner and momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf
Tore back the shade while she played with herself
The moon was so bright that it lit up the yard
The place was a mess, something hit it real hard
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a crooked old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right
'Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz
Fuckin slow down, or I'll cut off your nuts'
'Over the lamp post, and don't hit that tree
Quit shaking the sleigh, cause I gotta go pee.'
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up in the shrub
And then from the roof came a hell of a splatter
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass
When down through the chimney he came with a crash
His suit was all soaking with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and smelled like a whore
'That was some cathouse' he said with a smile
'The reindeer are pooped, so I'll hang for a while'
He walked to the kitchen and poured up a drink
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed
The first thing he found was a black leather whip
Next were some X-rated video clips
A box full of condoms was Santas next find
And a six pack of panties, the edible kind
A bra without nipples, a penis extension
And boxes of goodies I won't even mention
A cock ring, A G-string, and all types of oil
And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil
'This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa would shit,
If you don't mind I'll leave it all here when I split'
He filled every stocking and then took his leave
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead
And he fell on his buttocks and broke wind instead
He cursed and got up and climbed into his hitch
'Let's go ya varmits, the night's been a bitch'
The shuddering lurch slammed him back in his chair
And he let out a belch as they took to the air
Bending the lamp post and raking the tree
He bounced off a rooftop and finally got free
'I'm coming home, woman!' he sang with a smirk,
So grab both your ankles and pull up your skirt.
