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5 years ago

I'm not asking anyone to care. I'm not asking anyone to love me. I just needed to write about this. 5 years ago, I was told my mom had liver cancer that had several lesions (mets) on her brain. The cancer had never been seen before, they didn't know how to treat it and the prognosis wasn't good. They asked what did we want to do or what her wishes were. From my own experience of working 15 years in the medical field, I knew the odds. I had to make the toughest decision of my life and told them to make her a "DNR comfort measures only." She died a week later on 1/31/02 There were 2 other incidents that happened around that time that really would have shaken many people up. I had them hit all at once. My best friend at the time said she was amazed that I didn't put a bullet through my head having to deal with all of it. I didn't deal with it all. I went into "Auto Pilot". I just shut down and turned to the internet. I met some really wonderful people that helped me a lot. One of which had dealt with the same thing with his father. He and I gave each other permission to be irresponsible and have fun when ever we were together for the first time. Some people may understand that and some won't. 4 years ago, it was apparent that my immediate family needed help to deal with it. We went to a program designed especially for kids to deal with grief at their level of understanding. It was called "Wings" and it was facilitated by Houston Hospice. 3 years ago, my dad had a major stroke. His g/f of 8 years dumped him while he was in the hospital. I was like damn here we go again. I wasn't ready to deal with that either. It was also when I met my now ex husband. 2 years ago, I was dealing with my dad having pneumonia following bypass surgery that he only had a 50% chance of surviving. My husband wasn't working and so the support of 6 people fell on my shoulders. Not to mention the fact that we were having to deal with his ex-wife still harrassing us and a motion she filed in the court to have a change in how much child support she would have to pay. 1 year ago, I couldn't deal with the loss of my father, my godmother, two of my childhood friends, my mother's best friend, my marriage, going to school, the kids, work, bancruptcy and finally broke down. I could take no more. My school counselors told me I could take a leave of absence if I went to a professional counselor. So, I did. This year, I feel so much better about me. I'm still not 100%. I still shake inside at meeting new people because of the way the seperation and divorce was handled by the other parties involved. It was a nasty betrayal. I do know these 5 years were meant to teach me things and to be more aware of how precious time is. My experiences have taught me what others need during their time of grief and what they don't. I have more people that understand me better then I did back 5 years ago. Until you have gone through the death of a parent(s). You can't relate to what I or anyone else goes through. I have also learned that no one is going to save me but me. I have read a lot. Done tons of research on different types of cancer causing things like crank case oil. If people really did the research that I have, I would venture to say that people would think twice about a vehicle running on the road that needed repairs. If you are one of those people that is an adament non-smoker who likes to tell smokers they are so bad, you might want to look at a 200 page toxicology report on what's all in used motor oil and how toxic it is just to sit at a red light! If there were no one on the face of this planet that smoked a cigarette, people would still be dying of cancer. Do your own research folks. Death is a part of life. It's guaranteed! I didn't just sit and be totally numb. I did try to find out what really killed my mom. It wasn't only cigarettes. It was a total toxic smoking cocktail from cigarettes to pollution from others too! You see each time I write this all out. It shows me where I have been and how far I have come. It comes out of my mind where it might dwell and out of my finger tips to go somewhere else. And this is how I get over it. And so I AM living my life. By having the serenity to accept the things I can not change. Courage to change the things I can. And the wisdom to know the difference.
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