Oilfield Jokes



An old southern country preacher from west Texas had a teenage son named David and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.
He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
- a Bible,
- a silver dollar,
- a bottle of whiskey and
- a Playboy magazine
I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself, 'and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman and that would be OK.

But if picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be.

And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum.'

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.

'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered, he's going into the oilfield.







After a bad blowout three oilfield workers are walking around the
rigsite; a roughneck, an MWD hand, and a directional driller. As
they're walking along the edge of the pad, they see a naked foot
sticking out of a bush. When they investigate, they find the nude body
of the young female geologist. Her clothing must have been blown off
her body by an explosion.

Out of respect and propriety, the roughneck immediately takes off his
hardhat and places it over her left breast. Quickly following suit, the
MWD hand takes off his hardhat and places it over her right breast.
They look at the directional driller. After much complaining and
grumbling, the directional driller places his hardhat over the young
woman's private parts.

The toolpusher quickly comes over to check the body. He lifts the
roughneck's hardhat and then puts it back down and hastely scribbles
some notes on his report. Then he lifts the MWD
hardhat and puts it back down and takes some more notes. Finally he
lifts the directional driller's hardhat and sets it back down.
Hesitating, he bends back over, lifts it up and looks again, then sets
it down. Still unsure of what to do, he looks a third time underneath
the directional driller's hardhat. Annoyed, the directional driller
asks him "what's wrong with you? Are you some kind of pervert?"

"Well," said the toolpusher, "I am just simply surprised. Normally,
when you look under a directional driller's hat... you find an a**hole."
















This old boy from South Louisiana was working the derrick in Brazil. Every day on his tower he would see this monkey watching him from a tree, so he started bringing up bananas and feeding the monkey. Well it didn't take long and that monkey was in the derrick with him and he taught the monkey how to rack pipe. After a few days the derrick hand didn't have to do anything. The monkey was doing it all. Well the rig hand got laid off. He went home to South Louisiana. He sat home for 6 months then the phone rang. They wanted to know if he wanted his derrick job back in Brazil. Right away he said" Uhuh Y'all finally figured out that I was better than that monkey huh?" They said" No sir, the monkey made toolpusher, he's the one said to call you."



This roughneck went to the hardware store. The attendant asked what he needed and he told him he needed a wrench. When asked what type of wrench, the roughneck replied "It don't make no difference I'm going to ues it for a hammer anyway.





"The Worlds First Hardhat"




Its's been said that all a consultant needs is 2 books:

1). A Halliburton book
2). A Phone Book
One is for Displacements and the other is for Replacements.

YIKES!





In a recent government experiment, an Architect, an Engineer, and a Roughneck were rounded up. Each was put in a private room and given three steel ball bearings. They were instructed to utilize their background to design a useful project.

After an hour, the architect was interviewed. He had stacked his balls one on top of each other. In explanation, he said, "This is the time tested design the material warrants. It's beauty and elegance dates all the way back to the Roman columns ..... "

In the engineers room, he had stacked his bearings in a pyramid. "This design will take 10.3 on the reicter scale, a cat 5 hurricane, and is fire resistant. It is structurally sound and can be built at low cost.....", he explained.

When the officials entered the roughnecks room, they found him lean'n against the wall with his hands in his pockets and no bearings to be seen. "Where is your project?" they asked. "Well, I lost one, broke one, and the other one's in my lunch box. I'm carrying it home."



In The Oilfield:
A SALESMAN starts out knowing a great deal about one thing and goes on learning more and more about less and less, until he knows practically everything about nothing.

An ENGINEER starts out knowing a little about many things and goes out learning less and less about more and more, until he knows practically nothing about everything

TOOLPUSHERS and COMPANYMEN start out knowing everything about everything, but end up knowing nothing about nothing because of their association with SALESMEN and ENGINEERS.

DRILLERS, on the other hand, know everything about everything and end up knowing everything 'bout everything due to their total disregard of advise given by SALESMEN, ENGINEERS, TOOLPUSHERS and COMPANYMEN


Two Haliburton hands won a trip to France for all their accomplishments in the patch.
As they were strolling thru Paris, they looked up in surprise and seen the biggest Rig ever! They stopped a Frenchman walking by and asked, " Hey man, how long ya'll been rigged up?" The Frenchman stepped back and said "Oh mesuir, ze Eiffel Tower is over 200 years old !!!"
The cementers scratched their heads, kicked rocks, and started looking down the road. Finally, one turned back and said, " well don't worry, TRUCKS ARE ON THE WAY!"


Oilfield Proverb

Listen, all ye miserable sinners who have entered into the land of the tall derricks through the V-door. Tread softly on thy journey, and carry a big twenty-four in this dry and thirsty land. Harken to my voice, all ye of smooth skin and unwrinkled countenance, for I have dwelt in this land for many years and mine eyes have witnessed all manner of folly and woe. Verily, I have tasted of the bitter fruit of stuck drillpipe and I have drunk the dregs of the cup of lost circulation. Grid up thy loins, my son, and take up thy time sheets with great care. Listen to the counsel of the sadder and wiser man than thee.

The wise man searcheth out the easy jobs on the rig, but the fool sticketh out his neck.
Latcheth onto the young floor hand, for he is innocent and eager to help. He is proud and foolish, and will handle many nasty jobs in his vain attempt to receive recognition and favor. His youth betrays him, while he stands in the freezing rain to curry favor. Older and wiser men will laugh at his recklessness, and those with "snow on the mountaintop" will mock him.

Know thou that the Pusher of Tools is a man of many moods. When he smiles, seeketh him out, praise his rig and laugheth much at his jests. However, when he moveth with great haste and the sweat standeth out on his brow, make thyself scarce. If he curseth under his breath, do not wish him a good day or long life for he will fall upon thee like the whirlwind.
The Driller shall feel his anger, and the Roughneck shall know his wrath. Not even thy hardhat can protect thee.

Ask nought of the Driller, for he despises thy youth. He will ask many questions of thee which thou canst not answer, and then he will puff out his chest in pride at his superior knowledge. He is thy supervisor, however, and thou art required to do his bidding, although he careth nothing for flattery.

Make a companion of the Logger of Mud, for he always hath doughnuts in his quarters and he can always find a current newspaper. Take him thy reading material and share thy sparse food supply with him, for he provides shelter during thunderstorms away from the doghouse.

When the Drilling Superintendent approaches thee, make thyself scarce, for he will make thee sweat. Look thou on-the-ball, for he loveth to chew on thy posterior. Keep out of his sight lest he know thee by name, for he who arouses the wrath of the Drilling Superintendent will go many times into the mud house.

Regard my words carefully, my son, and thou shalt dwell happily and prosper in the land of derricks for many years. If you fail to heed this wisdom, thou shalt be doomed to meaninglessly toil at the home of the hamburger. Selah

Oilfield Nursery Rhyme

Crew change is the day, we all get to go home,

Everyone is excited, everyone is listening for the phone.

The guys are all cheerful, their week is all done,

It’s time to go home, for a full week of fun.

It’s not for everyone, this working offshore,

You have to be strong willed, and tough to the core.

I’ve seen grown men cry like babies, totally broke down,

They start begging and pleading, for a flight back to town.

To live in the gulf, to be gone half your life,

You are either very single, or you have a special wife.

In the winter time it’s very windy, and so very cold,

This is when working offshore, makes a young man turn old.

The worst thing in the winter, besides losing your coat,

Is when the helicopters can’t fly, and you have to ride the boat.

So for those of us that do it, we must be warped in the mind,

We will all end up in the nut house, it’s just a matter of time.





A tourist walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, a petroleum engineer from a nearby office walked in and said to the storekeeper, "I'll take a rig hand monkey please." The storekeeper nodded, went to the side of the store, and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it to the engineer, saying, "That'll be $2000." The man paid and left with the monkey." The surprised tourist went to the storekeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most monkeys are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?" The storekeeper answered, "Ah, that's a rig monkey. He can rig up, plan rig moves, rewind motors, tail pipe, paint, pull maintenance, all with no back talk or complaints. It's well worth the money." The tourist then spotted a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive!! $10,000 !! What does it do??" he asked. "Oh, that one" replied the storekeeper. " That's a Rig Manager monkey. It can instruct at levels of maintenance, run the safety program, deal with clients, and even do some paper work. A very useful monkey indeed." The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag was $50,000. The shocked tourist exclaimed, "This one costs more than all the others put together !!. What in the world can it do??". "Actually," said the shopkeeper, "I've never really seen him do anything but drink beer and whiskey and make alot of noise, but his papers say he's a Company Man."