IN THE REAL WORLD
1) In the real world, you don't have to be back at home one hour before your house starts moving.
2) In the real world, if you vomit people will not treat you as though you have just released the Ebola virus into widespread circulation. Neither will small men in outbreak suits appear to hose down your house. Nor will you have to spend 72 hours locked in your bedroom watching a parade of dreary Meg Ryan films.
3) In the real world Bingo is a game for old people and the rules do not stipulate that only Filipinos can win.
4) In the real world when people ask how you are you do not have to be "Excellent". You could be "not bad", "hungover", "bloody awful' or dispense with words completely and resort to hand gestures (I suggest the Gareth Hunt Nescafe shake).
5) In the real world there are more than three episodes of The Simpsons.
6) In the real world there is no need, on a weekly basis, to simulate how you would respond if your house was on fire (my advice is get out). Neither do you have to stand outside for 30 minutes in all weather conditions wearing an oversized, sleeveless luminous orange puffa jacket.
7) In the real world you will not get 20% discount in all shops. Having said that, the shops will stock items which are useful to you.
8) In the real world Skinless grilled chicken, Fettuccine Alfredo and New York cheesecake are not always available.
9) In the real world you can have a fight in the pub and not be sacked the moment you turn up for work the following day.
10) In the real world people work for five days and then have two days off. They do not go to work one morning and return home six months later. (What sort of demented idea is that?)
11) In the real world you can sit on the toilet and flush it without the concern that your intestines may be sucked out and dragged down to an unknown destination several floors below.
12) In the real world you only need to wear a hat as ridiculous as the Stairway guide baseball cap if you are children's entertainer (or a gullible, guileless simpleton)
13) In the real world flu jabs are not a requirement therefore you do not need to pretend to be allergic to eggs to avoid them.
14) In the real world you have to buy your own condoms (and the post coital cigarettes are a hell of a lot more expensive too.)
15) In the real world relationships can work (though infrequently)
16) In the real world you can get as drunk as you like. You will not be breathalysed during the night to ensure you are capable of dealing with any nocturnal emergencies (eg. Your house sinking or the helicopter evacuation of an overweight American from your roof.)
17) In the real world you do not have to tolerate people setting up stalls selling shells, grass skirts and other tat outside your front door. Simply call the police and ask them to move these semi-threatening vagrants elsewhere.
18) In the real world if tourists are sick you won't be banned from leaving your home any time other than for work
19) In the real world you don not go to work twice a day!!! 4am- 8am then again 4pm- 8pm!!
20) In the real world it is possible to do things discretely.
21) AND.....In the real world alas, beer usually costs more than $1 a bottle. You also can't usually get a hair cut, manicure or Thai massage just by walking down the hallway of your apartment and finding the nearest person offering it!
