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Right now, my daughter is on a plane. And it's making me crazy. I already miss her, I'm worried, I'm sad, I'm proud, I'm...well...I'm a lot of things.
She's never been on a plane before and she's flying alone...all the way to St. Louis, where she's going to be staying with her paternal grandmother. She refused the offer to stay at her dad's. I'm glad of that, because he has no right to have her. Not when he's never paid a dime of child support and he's broken just about every promise he ever bothered to make to her.
After 14 years of doing all of it on my own, struggling and scrimping, I begrudge him any moment that he gets to spend with her. Why should he get to enjoy her? Why should he get to take her to a portrait studio to get family photos taken together when I can't even afford to do that here? Why should he get to whip a snapshot out of his wallet and show her off to his buddies when he goes to the bar to play darts? He hasn't had a hand in raising her. He's had nothing to do with the amazingly strong and funny person she's become...unless you count the fact that so much of her strength comes from having to deal with the many disappointments he's given her. He's nothing but a fair weather father, traipsing in and out of her life whenever he feels like it. He vanishes for months, even years, at a time...only to show back up again, telling her he loves her and misses her. Fucking asshole.
I didn't put her on the plane for him. I put her on there for his mother, who has stepped up and helped me when he refused to. And for my daughter's friends that she had to leave behind when we left STL to come to Arizona. Her father can take a long walk off a very short pier as far as I'm concerned.
I mean, when she was abducted and missing for four days back in November, I couldn't even get a hold of him. I called every number he had given me...I called his family members...EVERYTHING. And he still didn't know she was ever gone until a month after she was already back home. And he wanted to call my house last night...on my birthday...and tell me to make certain to send a nice outfit with her for the family photos he's having taken. That motherfucker doesn't support her. If he wants to have her photo taken, he can go out and buy her a fucking outfit for it.
Ok...Now I'm ranting. But, it's about time. This has been tearing me apart ever since her grandmother sent me the plane ticket confirmation. I had to stand in that terminal and watch that plane taxi down the runway and take flight, knowing that my baby girl went with it...moving steadily away from me...moving toward HIM. And I cried.
I hate him.
These next twelve days are going to be a living hell for me. I've never been away from her for this long. I've never been this far away from her. I've never turned her over to anyone like this...and it's a pretty scary feeling.
She and I did each other's makeup last night and took a bunch of pictures together.
Gawd. I need to get my mind off of this...somehow.
