nine inch nails.zero-sum
they start to open up the sky. they started to reach down through. and it feels like we're living that split second of a car crash. and time is slowing down. and if we only had a little more time. than this time, is all that matters. do you remember the time we - and all the times we - and should've, and were going to, but no. and i know you remember. how we could justify it all. and we knew better. in our hearts, we knew better. and we told ourselves it didn't matter. we chose to continue, and none of that matters anymore. in the hour of our twilight. and soon it will all be said and done. and we will all be back together as one. if we will, continue, at all. shame on us, doomed from the start. may god have mercy on our dirty little hearts. shame on us, for all we have done. and all we ever were. just zeros and ones. and you never get away. and you never get to take the easy way. and all this is a consequence. brought on by, our own hands. if you believe in that sort of thing. and did you ever really find. when you closed your eyes. any place. that was still. and at peace. and i guess i just wanted to tell you. as the lights start to fade. that you're the reason, that i am not afraid. and i guess i just wanted to mention, as heavens will fall. we will be together soon, if we will be anything at all... shame on us, doomed from tthe start. may god have mercy on our dirty little hearts. shame on us, for all we have done. and all we ever were. just zeros and ones. shame on us, doomed from the start. may god have mercy on our dirty little hearts. shame on us. for all we have done. and all we ever were. just zeros and ones.
nine inch nails.right where it belongs
see the animal in his cage that you built. are you sure what side you're on? better not look him too closely in the eye. are you sure what side of the glass you are on? see the safety of the life you have built. everything where it belongs. feel the hollowness inside of your heart. and it's all. right where it belongs. what if everything around you. isn't quite as it seems. what if all the world you think you know, is an elaborate dream? and if you look at your reflection. is that all you want it to be? what if you could look right through the cracks, would you find yourself? find yourself afraid to see? what if all the world's inside of your head. just creations of your own. your devils and your gods, all the living and the dead. and you really are alone. you can live in this illusion. you can choose to believe. you keep looking can't find the woods. while you're hiding in the trees. what if everything around you. isn't quite as it seems? what if all the world you used to know, is an elaborate dream? and if you look at your reflection. is that all you want it to be? what if you could look right through the cracks, would you find yourself, find yourself afraid to see?
if there was a logical answer for all of this, i'd probably find it. i think. if there were a logical answer for me becoming Howard Hughes without the money or pussy, i might be able to find it, but i can't. i can't find it. there is no logic here. REAL WORLD: LOGIC DOES NOT APPLY. but, y'know...
y'know, i'm ready to hibernate until the end of the year... no, i don't think it'd actually work or fix annything, but i'm willing to try anything at this point. it kind of dawned on me that i have nothing substantial, or even remotely promising in this city, or even this state. PA, MN, NM, CA, NY, MA, ST, UR, BA, TE, sure... but in indianapolis? in indiana? nothing at all. the closest thing i have to a tangible friend is indy... and well, -shrugs- i won't go there.
i wish.. see... A, i wish i could just crawl into my books, but they don't help anymore... and B, see... i'm fine. during the day, i'm fine. it's at night when i get fucked up. when i'm online and seeing pics of people with their insignificant others... or hearing about how happy they are, how fucking happy they are that it hurts and it fucks with me. it hurts... because, i don't think i'll ever have that again, and that fucking bothers me. i wasn't made to be alone. i have... had... a big heart. i did. i know i did. maybe. at one point...b ut that becomes tricky, and i won't go there. i did, i was a happy person... kinda... i don't know, that does get tricky, because i can't remember a time when i was happy. really, truly happy.
funny story. i was held back in grade school [the specifics are trivial] because when it was time to do group work, i'd go off and do it myself. i'd do it on my own, fuck everyone else, because - even then, there answers weren't as good as mine. okay, no... that's a recent conceit... but, i've always been shy and stand offish... and i kinda remember why... i was the fat kid in school, and no one wants to be friends with the fat kid. i'm still chunky, but i'm a man, and tubby men are kinda cute. like a teddy bear [ie; gay friend]... which is kinda my fuck. i'm always the teddy bear or the brother... the soft one they can always run to when the shit hits the fan. but no...
no...
no...
seee...... see, i say... the point is... 26 years old. [psst. i'm 26] that's a lot of wiring, a lot of conditioning to try and fix.... and i know, everyone can say; "fucking go out, you whiney cunt!" and i would, i would. i'd take a chance, once or twice... but where the fuck would i go? that's the big question. i hate drunks, and could you really see me out in the club? nein. the book store? nein... that's not where people go to meet people... they go there to shop. i don't know... i need a friend right now. a real fucking friend that i can hang out with and try to undo the past... eight months, in particular.
i was making progress with what's her face, i was. almost. kinda. becoming social. a little less socially inept. but! the past eight months? i've shut down, closed myself off entirely and ... fuck. i've done it. this thing i was working toward? it's done.... i am back to where i was... eight years ago. five years ago. three years ago. two years ago... dead, numb and apathetic. i don't give a FUCK about anyone, and they all annoy me to no end. they've all become a nuisance and an inconvenience. it's like..... i love the idea of people. i love the potentiallity of people... but when they im me, i want to rip their throats out. because... i get lost in my own head and can't be bothered with them... then, when i im them and try to talk, i don't know what to say. i could go on and on about all the shit i do here, but who the fuck wants to hear that shit? precisely, no one. at all. ever. period. see, it's all fucked up... it doesn't even make sense in my head. it's all spiderwebbed.... a bit like a busted head into a windshield.... fuck... i need a real friend. that's all there is to it. wtf am i going to do now?
-shrugs-
later fuckers
x
