Brian's blog: ""

Howard, a newfie barman, was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty dollars..." she whispers. He'd never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer. "I'm making love to my wife," Howard answers indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know". "Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that light in her face".

"Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes. What do you want?" "I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house. "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Happy Birthday Buddy."

A man walks into a tattoo parlor and says he would like a $100 dollar bill on his dick. Well the tattoo artist laughs and says "I'll do it for free if you can give me one good reason for it." The guy thinks for a second and says. "Well one, I like to keep my money in my pants, two I like to watch my money grow, and three I want to see how fast my wife can blow a $100.

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?'' The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.' The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?' ~~~~~~~~~~ Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.' The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.' The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.' You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing! Take heed and pass these along to people who need a laugh. I thought you would enjoy this....times are tough right now...for all of us...so we need something to make the day a happy place. "They" haven't found a way to tax you for laughing yet.

LETS ALL GET THIS WONDERFUL MAN TO DISCIPLE HES A LITTLE OVER 500K AWAY AND HES RUNNING AUTO 11'S SHOW HIM SOME OF THE LOVE HE SHOWS ALL OF US ~Brian™~Owned by~ CynzDreams ~ @ fubar MUCH LOVE TO YA "B" ~CynzDreams~Owned By SouthernOutlawBiker! @ fubar

(repost of original by ' ~CynzDreams~Owned By SouthernOutlawBiker!' on '2009-02-16 19:39:04')

A drunk is sitting in a bar. There is a very buxom blonde a few seats down from him with breasts size 44DD'S. A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It Hits the lady's breasts and spills all over them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the Beer off of her breasts. This happens a couple more times. The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick Her breasts. She decks him! He's laying on the floor moaning and groaning. 'Why do you let the bartender do it?' 'Because he has. (your gonna love this) A LICKER LICENSE!

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money, " Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

EverDear wife: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw.Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.Your EX-Husband P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! Dear Ex-Husband Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care. Signed,Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

A woman went into a bar inTexas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped Up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen, so she asked him if it Was true what they said about men with big feet being well endowed. The cowboy grinned and said, 'Sure is, li'l lady. Why don't you come on Out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?' The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with Him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, 'Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't Nobody ever paid me for mah services before' 'Don't be flattered,' she said. 'Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.'

An 11-month-old baby accidentally dialed 911 in British Columbia and when the Mounties came to investigate they found marijuana plants grown by the dad. This incident occurred in White Rock, British Columbia. The baby playing with the phone dialed 911 and the Mounties rushed in to investigate. After several knocks on the door, when no one responded from inside the home, the Mounties entered only to find marijuana plants growing inside. The 29-year-old father was surprised to see the Mounties and told them that he didn’t call the 911. When the police said that his children might have dialed it, the man objected and said he is too young to use the phone. But when they looked around, they saw the baby with the phone in hand. We saw him playing with the cordless phone and just pressing all the buttons, so evidently he had called 911. The officers then inspected the residence and found a 500-plant marijuana operation inside the home. The father was arrested on charges of production of a controlled substance and mischief. The police removed the baby briefly from the home and placed him with the Ministry of Children and Family Development but later was picked up by his mom. The mother claims she was unaware about the marijuana operation in the home and says she doesn’t live there.