the poker player

2009-12-03T17:29:33-08:00

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sandra, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you like under there?" Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested. Sandra told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sandra the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon arriving, asked his wife: "Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?"

With a lump in her throat Sandra answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"

Sandra, using her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Now THAT, my friends, is quite a poker player!

FIND OUT WHO TRULY IS YOUR ROLE MODEL.

2009-09-14T23:47:44-07:00

DON'T SCROLL DOWN YET!!

FIRST, DO THE SIMPLE MATH BELOW, THEN

SCROLL DOWN TO FIND YOUR HERO.

It's CRAZY how accurate this is!

1) Pick your favorite number between 1-8

2) Multiply by 3 then

3) Add 3

4) Then again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the calculator.....)

5 ) You'll get a 2 digit

number.....

6 ) Add the digits together

Now Scroll down

.................

With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:

1. Einstein

2. Oprah Winfrey

3. Snoopy

4. Ronald Reagan

5. Bill Gates

6. Gandhi

7. Brad Pitt

8. Babe Ruth

9. Brian From Fubar

10.�David Niven

�� P.S. Stop picking different numbers! I AM YOUR ROLE MODEL, SO JUST DEAL WITH IT!

This Ad Was Posted to Craig's List Personals:

2009-09-05T21:01:59-07:00

To the Guy �Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before �last.
Date: 05-27-09, 1:43 A M EST.

I was �the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you �demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the �knife on my girlfriend and me, threatening our lives. �

You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and �earrings.

I can only hope that you somehow come �across this rather important message.

First, I'd �like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my �pistol after you took my Jacket. The evening was not �that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. �

My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber �Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had �picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. �

Obviously you agree that it is a very �Intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, wasn't �it?

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back �to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you �leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. ��That prevented you from calling or running to your �buddies to come help mug us again.

After I �called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in �your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd �done. Then I Went and filled up my gas tank as well as �four other people's in the gas station on your credit �card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons �and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to �a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with �all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!] �

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp �mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke �the windshield and side window and keyed the entire �driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a �bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. ��Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I �only used the phone for a little over a day now, so �what's going on with that?

Earlier, I managed to �get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office �and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as �my possible target. �The FBI guy seemed really �intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he �traced your number, etc).

In a way, perhaps I �should apologize for not killing you . . . but I feel �this type of retribution is a far more appropriate �punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as �you try to sort through some of these rather immediate �pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the �opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the �career path you've chosen to pursue in life. �

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. �

Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours, �
Alex

my softer side...

2009-08-29T09:33:26-07:00

well the day is here ac/dc is playing here in Vancouver tonight is been soldout for awhile but the other day i got a couple of tickets and was so happy i was going untill.......yesterday my sister was over and told me about a co worker at work age (39) who is dying of cancer and is a ac/dc fan my sisters asked if i could get here a t-shirt. well during the night i thought i can do better i'm giving her my two tickets to the show. might be her last .and i can always see another..so see i do have a soft side...have a great weekend everyone

No Speak English

2009-08-21T19:25:37-07:00

��

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
�

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.
�

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.
�

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(Please scroll down.)

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What were you
thinking?

Her husband speaks English!

Now get back to your emails.

�
I worry about you
sometimes!

two old guys

2009-08-14T14:16:39-07:00

Two old guys were chatting.....

�

One said to the other:

�

"My 85th birthday was yesterday.

�

The wife gave me an SUV".
Other guy responded:

�

"Wow, that's amazing!!.....

�

Imagine, an SUV!!..

�

What a great gift!"
First guy:

�

"Yup !!....�Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

The Blonde and the Heart Attack

2009-08-10T16:11:08-07:00

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting...... 'What's up?' she asks. 'I think I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband... The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, 'Mommy! Mommy! Aunty Shirley is hiding in your closet and she's got no clothes on!' The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, rips open the closet door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor. 'You rotten 'Bitch', she screams. 'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around playing hide and seek with the kids!'

Yeah yeah....

2009-07-13T19:00:57-07:00

Very Short Story��
��
Man driving down road. ��
Woman driving up same road. ��
They pass each other. ��
The woman yells out the window, PIG! ��
Man yells out window, BITCH!���
Man rounds next curve. ��
Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies. ��
��
Thought For the Day:

If men would just listen��

BUYING VIAGRA

2009-07-07T20:44:37-07:00

��
An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra
'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'
� �
'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist '
But a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. '
� �
'I am 96' said the old man.'I don't want an erection.
I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers.'
�

�

the man rules

2009-06-30T11:44:12-07:00

Finally, the guys’ side of the story.
( I must admit, it’s pretty good.)
We always hear ‘the rules’
From the female side�

�

� Now here are the rules from the male side.��

These are our rules!
Please note.. These are all numbered ‘1 ‘
ON PURPOSE!�

�

1.�� Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down..
We need it up, you need it down.
You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It’s like the full moon
Or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are.
Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the�� other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched..
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘nothing,’ We will act like nothing’s wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or motor sports.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.� Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.

But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
To give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women� as you can�� To give them a bigger laugh