Sativa's blog: "You Can't Frame Me"

So, my roommate, the guy I thought was going to go to jail? He's seriously considering killing himself. I tried talking him out of it, but he's determined. He started the conversation out with, "Do you think you and Damian could pay for this place all by yourselves?" to which I replied, "No, and if you're going to off yourself, it's a stupid idea." He misses Lisa and his kid so much, but he needs to realize that she is gone and she took their kid with her. She turned her back one hundred percent on him, and even though he feels like he's got nothing to look forward to, he can learn from the things he liked and didn't like about that relationship and use that knowledge to make it perfect. He won't listen to me, though. I told him, this is the lowest point in your life. Do you know what that means? You will get better. You WILL get better. He just shakes his head and says, no, it's easier just to think about the things I did wrong. I hate it when people come to me with suicide talk and they make it clear that they do not intend to make themselves feel better in any way. People like that, I just want to say, "Well, you've made up your mind, so why are you talking to me? Go and do it, already." But I've never said it before and I never will. I just feel like saying it, though. You know? Yeah, you're depressed. I know, it's hard, it's really, really hard. Smiling isn't easy for me, either, but if you don't want to make things better and you don't want to even try to brighten your outlook, then get the fuck out of my face and kill yourself already. If you do want to keep living and you want to get to that light at the end of your tunnel, no matter how tiny it is, then talk to me. It's frustrating, because he keeps believing the lies she tells him. He won't think, "These are all lies," and move on. I may wake up tomorrow and find Damon dead. Oh, the joy. I wonder if they'd let me take the day off for that? More importantly, I need to think about who wants to be my roommate if he goes because we DEFINITELY can not afford this place on our own. I was thinking yesterday when I was sick that it would be so easy just to throw this all away and get back on the road. Just, fuck you Pekin...start walking...and never come back, like I swore last year. But I could never do that. I'm responsible now. I think I overvalue myself at work. I'm probably just the same to them as anyone else; Scott, Latisha, Justin. Just some little snot-nosed punk that's going to quit anyway so why promote her? S.

So, I guess I'm not who I say I am because my salute was rejected. I should have seen it coming; for some reason, I don't look like me in the set of photos I took for the salute. Yeah, I said it. The set. If you see one picture of me on the internet, chances are it is one picture chosen out of probably ten. Yeah, that's why my pictures look so great. But, like I was saying, I just wasn't looking like ME when I was taking the pictures. I thought, maybe it's because my hair's up, so I took my hair down, and it made me look fat! I'm not fat! In fact, I've been steadily losing weight for the last three months (due to I walk an hour to work six days a week). I don't know, maybe my webcam's all fucked up. The pictures in my album of me with the cigarette and me with my hair up, in the green shirt, those looked awesome, not grainy or blurry or anything. Now, it's all fuzzy and I can't figure it out. Ashley cried on me today. I felt super terrible for telling her that I didn't want to be mixed up in Latisha's and her problems because she was crying and saying, "I know you don't care but I just needed a hug," and it blew me away because I didn't know what to say. She's so tiny! I wanted to cradle her in my arms like my momma used to and tell her that everything's going to be okay. She wouldn't listen, anyway. S.

Oh, yeah, and what the fuck is up with Chris Benoit? One minute he's one of the highest-grossing WWE superstars, the next, he's a fucking psycho murderer? Dude, party foul. Not cool. S.

You know what I think is funny is that nobody ever reads blogs on these kinda websites, anyway. S.

My roommate is getting dropped tomorrow which means that he's probably going to jail. For 3-12 months. He's also talking about things like, if he has to go to jail, he's killing himself. Totally not cool. Sativa time. S.

I am so unbelievably horny it's not even funny. I think I might start humping the couch or the door frame or something soon. Angie, I'm sorry if you ever had to read that. S.

I feel almost sad for some people that are like, "OMG TEH INTRANET I NEED FRENDZ." I feel like doing one of those survey things that pre-teens like to send to each other. It's been a while since I've filled one out. I made this awesome curtain for my bedroom. IT FUCKING ROCKS. Seriously, if I tried to take a picture of it, it would make the camera blow up. I like taking raw materials and making things to quirkify my surroundings, like on Trading Spaces. I'm thinking next I'll make a canopy for my bed. Here's the idea: It'll be suspended from the ceiling in the center and four corners from chains dangling from the ceilings. Lightweight, black fabric would be nice, but I like more than just one color so I'll probably add some pink on the corners where the chains attach to the canopy fabric. I don't want it to reach the floor, I'm thinking just a couple of feet of fabric draped down so you can still walk under it and all that. Did any of that make sense? I was going to blow my pot money at Wal-Mart on more supplies to make curtains for the living room, but I'm thinking...I really want to start on the canopy. I'm so excited! Plus, I saw this awesome lamp idea on Trading Spaces, it'll be cheaper and faster but certainly won't give me the same amount of fulfillment. I love making my visions happen, that's why I have so much cool shit. Except a car. I probably could have bought a car with the amount I've spent on things like marijuana and fabric. I need a car, bad, yo, it sucks being a broke mofo that has to walk her poor ass everywhere. Who wants to hang out with some sweaty chick with a mohawk? S.

I rated this one dude's picture a 5 and he rated me a 1. That's hilarious. Wassa matta, need me to call you the wahmbulance because I fucked up your photo ratings? Boo hoo hoo... Angie and Ashley both told me to sign up here because apparently it is so totally awesome but pretty much to me it seems like this is all a great big pool of hormones where people get totally offended if you don't give them a ten or better. Everyone, if you think I'm a 10, you say so. If you don't, say so. I don't give no fuck either way. It's flattering, yeah, but am I going to do it with anyone out there in Cyberland? Probably not. Some other person just rated me a four because that's what I put on theirs! That's great. Okay, so normally I'm a cheerful and (dare I say it?) fun person to be around, but hey, nothing like being petty to get the day going right. S.