black angel's blog: "without you 2-10-07"

ok,just so people know, the blog i had written called "life" was actually written 2 years ago.when i posted it on ct i just updated my age.people ask how do i know he never tried....well he had the contact to get me with the push of a button.he still talked to a close family friend regulary.ive seen pics of his daughters.i know he lives down here in florida now.HONESTLY im glad he never did now,cause it only made me stronger.alot of peope had fathers to teacher them things and i didnt.i had to learn and survive on my own.and anyone who knows me knows that i turned out pretty damn good for not havin a "father figure" in my life.

some people say they'd rather not have a father...sometimes i differ sometimes i agree .when i was born my father said i wasnt his and acused my mom of cheatin,but everyone knew HE was my father.as time went by, my mom moved from here to there.well when i was 2 1/2 she was datin this guy in cali.he was abusive.i can still remember gettin hit ,still remember wakin up in the hospital.turned out he had a record of child abuse.i also have a half sis(his daughter,she was pregnant with at the time).my mom got blamed for the abuse and was sent to jail.my family(my aunt) bailed her out.the state of cali took her and me away from my mom..im 28 years old and i can still remember the pain, the tubes in my chest( yeah i still got the scars),the smell of the air, and even the nurses name....larette.yeah it sounds as bs but its all real.somehow and someway my 'aunt and uncle'(my grandfather's aunt(yes i said grandfather's aunt) were allowed to adopt me me.in most cases they wont allow it to happen cause it is blood and there will be some sort of connection, in this case they accepted it,i dont know how but they did it.when i grew up all i had was them and on occasion my mom.my aunt would let my mom see me whenever she wanted, and so the same for me.yeah it was illegal. when i was about 9 -10 i saw my uncle layin on the front lawn...heart attack.it hurt so much seeing the only person ive ever really had as a father die... For the last 17-18 years ive grown up without a father.my aunt died on oct. 19 2004.for years she always told me "no matter what...everything will be alright".MANY things have happened to me and somehow things turned around and i was alright......except 1 thing......my real father never tryin to find me

without you nothing is the same without the future looking bright, like when i roll over at night, putting my arm around an empty space, opening my eyes to no longer seeing your beautiful face, or your good morning kiss to start the day, now i awaken to see the sky's turned grey, i know i'll see a brighter day, but its not the same..... without you. my days and nights pass me by, as i wait for your call as i watch the time fly, somedays i sit in silence, some moments i wanna cry, most of the time i dont know what to do, because im here..... without you. i dont know if you'll take me back, or if we're even thinking on the same track, you have your reasons for things you conceal, stop and take a moment and see this is real, talk to me about how you feel, now im alone staring at the t.v., wishing you were here next to me, i've opened my eyes and found the path of where to go, but the one thing i hope you remember and know, is i'm still lost....... without you.

price of the cost got up one morning, awaking to the sound of the clock, threw on my clothes,realizing i couldnt find my sock, put on my shoes anyways, left for work, my phone rang, i answered the call, it was you on the other line, telling me its over, i dropped my phone to the floor, reached down to pick it up,and crashed in to a wall my body's laying broken, from your words spoken, feelin like i'm dreamin, inside my head i hear myself screamin, my body's bleedin, but we are what i lost what did i do wrong in my life, to make it end this way, could of known,never been told, trapped in my car,my body's turned cold, my breaths are shortening, i could have saved myself today my body's laying broken, from your works spoken, feeling like im dreamin, inside my head i hear myself screamin, my body's bleedin, but we are what i lost, you were the one thing i love the most, this ended up all wrong, my life meant so little to me, but you're the one i lost, after death i still love you, now i pay the price of the cost