152380's blog: "Who I am"

It seems people know who I am. I wonder how this can be when I don't spend any time with them. If you knew me you would know that it is hard for me to let people in my life. If you knew me you would know just how much pain in life I have gone through. If anyone finds me let me know. I am starting to believe that I am losing myself. I find myself looking for the impossible situations instead of what is right in front of me. I have been told that I have pushed some away from me, but if you knew me you would know it is only to protect myself from getting hurt. I fear putting my heart out there again only to have it crushed. How much more heartache and pain do I need to go through before I can find my happiness. Why does love have to be so difficult? Is it possible to find happiness anymore? Once upon a time is just that. Too many people are jaded and left with doubt that there will ever be the one for them. I can see that now, but please don't even try to give the happily ever after story. Don't come into my life and then not see me, yet talk to me often. Mixed messages cause more damage than just walking out and never looking back. I understand confusion and I know I am not the only one. As I like to say call a spade a spade, be upfront and honest. I think that maybe if we all started doing this a little more instead of worrying about who's feelings will get hurt, life would be a hell of a lot simpler? Tell me if I am wrong!

Too many times I think we over look things that are right there in front of us. We seek things that we never really want and for what purpose? Is it because we know that we can't have them or just to complicate our lives more than they already seem to be. This can be said for many aspects of our lives from materialistic things that we think we have to have to the person that becomes the object of our desire. Has our world gone that wrong that we cannot appreciate what we aleady have and find contentment in that? A prime example of this is our divorce rate in America. Ask yourselves why this is so. Is it because we believe the grass is greener on the other side? Or is it because we are so disconnected with those that we are supposed to be closest too that we start to find another to fill that void in which we in many ways created ourselves. It may not have been intentional but nonetheless it becomes. I think that we look for something that is just instantaneous without wanting to put any effort into the long term goals. The saddest part of all this is that we only realize these lessons the only way that seems to be left anymore - the hard way. Maybe instead of sex ed in schools there should education on relationships, morals, respect, self worth. Maybe just maybe our divorce rate would drop and the family could be something of the norm again.

I have slowly come to realize just who I am. Most importantly I am a mother. I will always love my children and they are my life. I am a hard working employee who tries to show my reason for being there as much as I can. Sometimes I just try too hard and well actions are always louder than words. I have to remind myself of that sometimes. Most important of all is that I am just a girl who like everyone else is looking to find someone that is the missing piece to my puzzle. I cannot say that my journey has been one of ease to find what I seek. It has cost me two divorces, abuse, heartache and lonliness. I would like to believe in that happily ever after but my reality is that I have children with special needs and many cannot handle it. Will my prince charming come with my glass slipper? I don't know that answer and maybe that question will never be answered so instead I focus on making life better in whatever ways possible. I work and go to school. To the man who finds my missing piece. . .hold on to it and someday find me. Prove me wrong in my belief that love is not meant for me. Till then I will be sleeping in my tower. . . . .