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Top Death, Number 8: Suicide
Cause: Depression, Legal Problems, Cheatin’ Bitches
Prevention: Self medicating, fleeing the country, hookers

MSN reports "only one in 10 attempts is successful. It appears men are more successful than women because they choose more certain methods of self-destruction (for example, a gunshot rather than sleeping pills)." Well no shit, Sherlock. If we’re going to do something, we’re going to do it right, dammit. But who are these 90% of suicidal pussies who don’t follow through? I talked to a cop about that, and he said "shit man, we need to teach an adult education course. ‘Suicide: Getting it Right the First Time.’" I support that. No more of this "I’m gonna jump, man." Fucking do it. Aim for something hard so you don’t bounce and end up in a coma on the public dollar. If your life was a failure, make sure your death isn’t — it’s your last chance to make a good impression. Do you want to be known as Carl the Vegetable, or "what the fuck was that?!?"

Top Death, Number 1: Being Retarded
Cause: Parents are siblings, being a crack baby, rectal myopia, being from West Virginia
Prevention: Self medication, Top Death Number 8, expensive therapy concluded with one round to the head

The number one cause of death in America is not Heart Disease, like MSN claims — it’s being retarded. Driving drunk down the wrong lane of an interstate. Pulling a gun on a cop. Mixing drugs. Thinking McDonald’s has anything of nutritional value. Buying a hooker in Africa. Stupid bullshit you should figure out on your own, but luckily, many people don’t. These are the safeguards we have as a species, to weed out the slow members of the herd. Saints forbid that people figure out how not to die in staggering numbers — we’d have a population explosion only the Chinese can understand, and the bubble would rise on the sweaty backs of our most unworthy breeders. Think of someone of average intelligence — now realize that fully half the world is dumber than that sonofabitch.

And that’s why the top ten things that kill men are so important to society — it weeds the garden, thins the herd, and helps us all out. What frightens me, though, is that the Chinese have figured this out, while Americans are dying in staggering numbers from blazingly asinine things. We don’t need our dumbest citizens, but we can’t really do without them when other borders are bursting like John Candy’s aorta. The space they make is mighty attractive to those crowded together in other places…