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Hangover Ratings for 2007

Hangover Ratings

1 star hangover
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you.
You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls.
However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara.
Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.

 2 star hangover
No pain, but something is definitely amiss.  You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler.
The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast.
Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

3 star hangover
Slight headache. Stomach feels crap.  You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive.
Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 am.
Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a kebab and a litre of coke watching daytime TV.
You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 6 chicken nuggets and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.

4 star hangover
You have lost the will to live.  Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew.
Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.
You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you (depending on your gender) either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, or, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems.
Your teeth have their own individual sweaters.  Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class circa 1976.
You would give a weeks pay for one of the following - home time, a cheeseburger and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.
You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.

5 star hangover
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you.
Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.
You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth.
Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.
You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body.
Death seems pretty good right now.  Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic.  You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe ..... very gently.
 
6 star hangover
You arrive home and climb into bed.
Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi.
You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up.
You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room.
No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck.
You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail.
After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet.
If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls.
You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting.  Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived.
Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts.  Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark.
With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent.
You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion.
It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed.  She/he abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair.
You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital.
Work is simply not an option.
The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving.
You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or three hours at least you might even succeed.
OK, now hands up all those who have never had a six star hangover!!
Thought so!

MSN are country folk

 

Yep MSN are country folk

 

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Maintain Physical Contact

Always maintain physical contact with the person receiving the massage once you begin. It is very disruptive of the physical bond that develops if you take both hands off her body at the same time, and placing them back can be somewhat of a shock. With practice you may become aware of the sexual energy that flows between you and your partner. Sounds strange, but it is true. Have everything you need within reach of your free hand. It is also a good idea to touch her knee, then slide your hand up to her inner thigh, then finally her up to her vulva, so as not to penetrate her personal space too quickly. Placing your cold hands directly on her vulva may be a shock and ruin the mood. Warm, in a bowl of warm water, any lubricant you may use prior to applying them to her vulva.

Basic Techniques

You will be massaging her clitoris using one, two, or three fingers. The size and prominence of her clitoris will determine how many fingers you use. If you are able to locate and feel her clitoral shaft with your fingers, you will use your thumb and index finger. If she has a well-developed clitoris you may want to use your thumb, your index finger, and the finger next to that. If you cannot grasp the shaft and glans of her clitoris because it is small or hidden, you will use just the tip of your index finger, or perhaps your thumb.

If you can grasp her clitoris with two or three fingers you will want to do the following. Very gently grasp the shaft of her clitoris with your thumb and index finger. Gently slide the loose tissue covering her clitoris around, primarily back and forth, getting a feel for the shape and firmness of her clitoris. Determine how much the tissue along her shaft slides around. You do not want to grasp the glans at first if possible; if her clitoris is small you will not be able to avoid it. As you slide your fingers back and forth along her shaft, the hood should also be sliding back and forth, stimulating her glans. Go slow and watch your partner for indications of whether or not she is enjoying what you are doing. Try to maintain eye contact with her if possible, or as much as possible. If you cannot tell by body language, then ask her if what you are doing feels good. Ask her whether you should be going slower or faster, or applying a firmer or lighter touch. After you make the suggested change, ask again. If she does not know, just experiment but keep communicating.

If you cannot grasp her clitoris, you will want to place the tip of your index finger on top of her clitoral body or hood. Experimentation will indicate which is most sensitive. You will want to gently move the tissue under your finger around in small circles, or back and forth to stimulate her clitoris. Hopefully you will feel the firm structures of her clitoris under your fingertip, when she is aroused and erect, even if her clitoris is really small and hidden.

Continue to stroke her clitoris. If she is enjoying what you are doing just continue in a steady rhythm. As she becomes more and more aroused you may want to slowly and gently increase the amount of pressure you are applying, but always be gentle. The speed of your strokes can vary to, very slow in the beginning, then possibly faster as she nears orgasm. Your fingers should always be grasping the loose skin covering the body of her clitoris, causing it to slide back and forth along the shaft. Continue until she reaches orgasm. As soon as she has an orgasm switch to a very very light stroke, as her clitoris is likely to be very sensitive, or move your fingers to her labia. After a couple minutes you can begin again or stop. Never stop the massage abruptly unless she reports she is too sensitive to touch, in which case caress her vulva or inner labia for few minutes. Maintain physical contact as she comes down from her orgasm.

Clitoral Sensitivity, and Lubrication


You know where her clitoris is, so now what you ask? Well, first I must mention clitoral sensitivity and the possible need for additional lubrication. The sensitivity of the clitoris varies greatly from woman to woman. There are women who experience pain if their clitoris is touched directly, others do not find their clitoris sensitive to touch at all. Others may require a very light touch in the beginning but need a firmer touch the closer they are to reaching orgasm. It is best to start out with a very light touch then slowly increase the amount of pressure as you see her become more aroused. Watch her body movements and listen to the noises she makes to see if you are applying too much pressure or not enough. Be careful, you almost never want to squeeze the clitoris tightly, perhaps firmly, but almost never aggressively. A few women may enjoy a firm squeeze at the point of orgasm, but talk to her about this before actually trying it. She will either see stars, or smack you across the head. Ticklishness can be an indication of nervousness or too light of a touch; have her breath deeply and relax.


Depending on the sensitivity of your partner's clitoris and the amount of natural lubrication, you may need to apply additional lubrication before beginning the massage. Try it without at first, but if she pulls away or reports she is too sensitive, or feels nothing, apply a generous coating of lubrication to her entire vulva. Use water-based lubricants like K-Y Jelly. (Use of petroleum-based lubricants can result in infection.) You can also use the new silicone sexual lubricants; NOT the type used to lubricate cars etc. When you first try clitoral massage have additional lubrication on hand just in case. You will almost never want to touch her clitoral glans directly without your finger(s) being lubricated, but this may not be a part of the massage in any event.


You may also want to consider wearing latex or vinyl gloves. They will make your fingers very slick, which will come in handy if your partner's clitoris is extremely sensitive, or if you have rough skin on your fingers. They also come in handy if you insert your finger(s) into her vagina during the massage, fingernails can scratch the vaginal walls. Most pharmacies carry vinyl and latex gloves and are an inexpensive over the counter item.

Watch & Learn

 

Watch and Learn

The next step for beginners or as a warm-up for the experienced is for your partner to masturbate to orgasm. She should go slowly at first, demonstrating her different strokes, the amount of pressure applied, and frequency of her strokes. This is so you can get an understanding for what she likes and is most responsive too. It will take lots of practice and repeated masturbation sessions for you to become as good at masturbating her as she is. Her masturbating to orgasm before you begin the massage helps to put her in the mood and makes her more responsive to additional sexual stimulation. There are women who find their genitals overly sensitive after orgasm, so you may need to gently massage other areas of her body for several minutes before you begin or continue the clitoral massage. Some women are only able to have one orgasm in the beginning, so go slow and just try to make her feel good if you discover this is true for your partner. If your partner is reluctant to masturbate in your presence, this is perfectly okay and is not a requirement. Suggest it, but do not place any pressure on her.

To the women reading this please rest assured that masturbating in front of your partner is perfectly normal, a lot of women do it. Masturbation is not just a solo activity. Women are very beautiful when they masturbate and share their orgasms with their partner. You cannot do it wrong or make a fool of yourself. You will not lose any of the intimacy you experience when you masturbate alone. I believe most people know their partner masturbates, so you are not going to shock them by admitting to it, they most likely masturbate too. If you maintain eye contact with your partner while masturbating, I think you will be blown away by the experience.

Locating her Clitoris

 

Locating Her Clitoris


The first requirement of clitoral massage is knowing where your partner's clitoris is, and what it looks like and what it feels like when flaccid and erect. The only way to learn these things is to go exploring. With the lights on, have your partner undress; she may want to wear a comfortable shirt. She should then lay on a bed, sit in a chair, or sit on the bed while reclining on some pillows placed against the headboard. Make sure that you have easy access to her vulva while ensuring you are both comfortable. Sit or kneel so you are facing her, usually off to one side. If she is sitting in a chair or at the end of the bed, you may want to sit in a chair or kneel on the floor. You can also have her sit between your legs, both of you facing the same direction. You need to get close to the subject at hand. You may also want to have a light close by, or a flashlight, to illuminate her vulva so as to be able to see everything clearly. You will also want to have a small handheld or freestanding mirror available so your partner can see her vulva and clitoris, and what you are doing.

Start by examining her vulva as it looks normally, with her outer labia at rest. Gently examine everything with your fingers. Caress versus poke. Notice the softness of her skin and pubic hair and the color and texture of her skin. Caress her vulva with the flat of your hand, your fingers molding to her body. If your partner has a lot of pubic hair, you may want to trim it with scissors. There is no need to shave the pubic area. Then gently spread the outer labia with your fingers, examine what lies within. Identify her inner labia, clitoris, and urinary and vaginal orifices. She can also assist by holding her outer labia open with one or both hands.

If you cannot identify her clitoris, ask her if she knows where it is and can point it out to you. Because of the vast variations in genital anatomy, some individual structures may not be easily identifiable, for men as well as women. There are women who do not have inner labia, or have only one. A well-developed clitoris will be easy to see, but many are so small and hidden by surrounding tissue that a woman may only know where it is by knowing where it is most sensitive to her touch, where she rubs while masturbating. If you both have trouble locating the clitoris, look at the illustrations on the Anatomy pages.

Once you locate her clitoris, try to identify all it's different parts: shaftbody, glans, and hoodprepuce. Depending on the size and tightness of her hood you may not be able to retract it far enough to expose the clitoral glans. If this is the case, you may be able to feel it under her hood. If her glans is small, you may only be able to detect the shaft of her clitoris when she is erect, but not the glans itself. There are shafts that are very thin and hard to detect. In this case, you may only be able to identify it when you feel it become erect between your fingertips. She may be able to tell you when you have grasped her clitoral glans in your fingertips if you are not able to feel it. Be very gentle when examining her clitoris, most are extremely sensitive.

A Valuable Skill

A Valuable Skill

Clitoral massage is an excellent skill to have at your disposal when making love to a woman. While most couples engage in a little diddling of the vulva and clitoris prior to intercourse, few would consider making it the main course. If you really want to impress your female partner, consider making her the center of attention by giving her a clitoral massage.

Couples with temporary and permanent physical disabilities can employ clitoral massage. Pregnant women may experience an increased desire for sex and orgasm but find themselves unable to engage in vaginal intercourse. Partners with paralyses may not be able to perform the physical motions required of intercourse. Men who are impotent may still desire to give their partner sexual pleasure and orgasm. Teens and adults who are not ready to have vaginal intercourse can still give each other sexual pleasure. It is important to realize that sex can exist in the absence of an erection and intercourse.

CT

I'm very new to Cherry Tap and i like very much

even our Jen loves Cherrys

35.jpg

italian divorce court

ITALIAN DIVORCE COURT

 ITALIAN DIVORCE COURT
Angelina and Giuseppi were standing before the judge in divorce court.
Angelina says:
"Your honor, we beena marry 25 years ana Giuseppi he always picka his nose
  
ana when we maka love he a never letsa me on topa. I justa canna taka dis nomore."
The judge listens solemnly and then addresses Giuseppi. ?"Giuseppi, is disa true. You always a picka your nose and you never let Angelina on top?? What have you gotta say fora yourself?"
Giuseppi says,

"Well your honor, itsa true. I picka my nose a lot and, yeah, Angelina,

I tella her she'sa gotta be onna da bottom. Itsa all go's aback to when I'mma a younga boy. My poppa, he's a very smarta man.
I always do ev'ryting he'sa say. My poppa one day he says, "Giuseppi, I gotta tella you
da two main secrets of a hava successful life:
Number one,
you always keepa your nose clean.
ana number two,
never screw up."
?
 
 
No i wasnt looking at your boobs  

 what the

 

 

 

 this is the coolest bar i've ever been to yeah it exspensive

but well worth it

and its only 20mins down the road

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