CandyDangles's blog: "Whatever"

4:29 and trudging along famously.Huh I went out with my cousin last night.It was all good.The only thing that sucked was that my attitude toward everything basically sucks as soon as I get into a bar but , shes cool for inviting me.She tried to get me to pep up but Im kinda shy so I didnt really like mingle or anything.And I just felt so out of place.I drank Pepsi all night, maybe if I had been drinking I wouldve who knows felt more like part of the group but it wasnt happening last night.All I could think about was my ex and how shes not here and how I have to try and get along if she decides she cant handle being one persons woman,and I also at the same time felt like I was getting her back for something.Like I could use it to show her how I felt those nights she decided the bar was a much better friend to her than I was.But I havent talked to her. She starts work on Monday and shell only have weekends off and I dunno how often Ill get to talk to her.And yknow sitting in the bar shes all I thought about, I was almost sick to be sitting there around other women.Just because Im thinking of her so much, and she probably doesnt care.Shes probably still working somewhere in the shadows to hide things I shouldnt see, but Im gonna let things happen, see if she proves herself, get my car fixed so we can visit and all that.I just dont want her to slip away I guess..I dont want to forget her face, but at the same time I dont know how long it will last if the trust isnt there.Thats probably enough for today.Not much has happened so there isnt much to write about.

Huh its about 4:15pm. Man I need to get up earlier.Something here makes me so ultra tired.Maybe its the warmth of my bed or carbon monoxide poisoning..who knows. Anyways I just want to get this out of the way...I dont have much to say about today other than last night was kind of demanding. I got all these friends that want me to come hang out with them, and since I'm trying to forget a few things I go to them to keep my mind off of it.But what they dont realize is that while theyre begging me to come over, theres like 2 or 3 other people wanting me to come hang and its like, they got me at their house and I dont feel like letting my other friends down.So maybe Ill just see the rest of them today if theyre around.Dont wanna stop being friends just cause I couldnt stop over for an hour on Friday night.Well then I probably couldnt consider them friends if they got pissed because of that. Just checking out the Cherry Tap. Seems pretty cool, Alot of people Ill never know. I cant rate anyones stuff yet cus Im still freshmeat or whatever. So Until yall hook me up I wont be casting any votes.Boohoo huh. I seen this dickhead I know from myspace here, actually I dont know him, he just tries to hook up with my girlfriend when I'm dating her.I aint digging it either cus he thinks I dont see his little messages he wrote her and shit. ITs all good.ITs all up to her anyways, but hey a guy can be a little serious when it comes to someone hes in love with I suppose. Im still thinking about her, wether I should give all of it up and totally trust her or if I should continue to watch her, or If indeed I must break it off. It kind of sucks to have to psyche yourself up to break it off with someone.Actually a friend of mines in the same boat...well sort of..his girlfriend, or w/e she is, actually lets him talk to the guy thats fucking her when hes not there, probably because he lives in california and she lives here in Ohio.Yeah that shits hardto do, especially when you can never trust whats going on miles and miles away.But to sit there and take it while her live in fuck buddys telling you to give it up and shes telling you she loves you behind his back, I dunno I wouldnt have it.That bitch woulda been broke off the second I heard it. Girls get all "confused" or something,which has got to be the stupidest cornball fucking excuse Ive ever heard.Especially from adult women who cant make up their mind as to who they wanna get it on with. HE said hes making her do the same thing that Im doing with mine, making her prove her ass.So i kind of feel sympathy for him, but at the same time I feel whipped because I even gave her another chance. Hmm I dont have much else to say and I'd rather go do something else. JANUARY 27, 2007

uh its like 6 pm. So like I guess those lucid dreams are not to be fooled with. Big deal you get to control some of what happens in your dreams.I mean, is that going to change reality?Noooo. I mean ok like I went to bed early last night. I had a very long dream right before waking up and then I got up, was up for about an hour and then I got soo groggy I fell asleep on the couch and 5 hours and a few dreams later i wake up again. Feeling so groggy that I could probably go back to sleep. Like all that sleep did nothing for me. All those dreams I had are almost instantly forgotten as soon as I wake up too.Its kind of defeating itself because I dont want my dreams taking over my reality.I dont want to be asleep for umpteen + hours because I was so very busy running around in a dream all night...and day. Or maybe my body just felt it needed that much rest and the dreams are a perk of the process. So anyways the ex thing has like calmed down.She had to go to court today , and I couldnt help but be worried for her. We talked for awhile via messenger and I was sad she had to go but as it turns out shes not going to jail, so I do feel kind of proud of her for taking care of it and getting everything she needed done and etc. We want to see each other soon and Im not going to stop it. At the same time I dont want to walk back into her fuckups with me again. She thinks I'm going to be like the type of person who sees all her hard work for me and then turns around and says "har har fuck you its not enough for me!!" and its not like that. I suppose in the end even if she did decide to hide things behind my back theres nothing I could do about it because I obviously wouldnt know, and she's not the type of person to just volunteer everything. Even though I still feel there might be a few personal webs she keeps that she doesnt exactly want me to know, I think shes told me enough to allow her to come see me.YEah I got trust issues and to me those in a relationship are some of the most important. Im not really in to sharing my girlfriend with anybody.Im not really into sweeping things under the carpet just to keep something going.It kind of feels like Im going to let her fool me again and in the end I suppose she could if she wanted.But this has to be my final time going with her.I have no taste for coming back if she fucks me over again and I want all her friends to know it.Yknow its funny how her friends protect her from things by keeping things all private and hidden along with her. Of course they dont care about me but they do care about her.So I'm wondering how much theyll think theyll be protecting her when they help her lose the thing that she claims she loves most in this world. SO I guess thats it. Five people have called here since starting to write this thing and I need to get going. JANUARY 26, 2007

Yeah so its like 4:16 pm. Hmm I've got a dinner with my daughter tonight for her birthday.I guess it will be ok but the last time I ate at the Olive Garden it sooo messed up my gut.Its probably that ulcer thing, well I think. I don't know I havent been to the doctor's yet. I told my ex everything yesterday. I say ex because in my mind she was already gone to me, even though she didnt know I knew all about her scandalous ways.She tried to lie in the beginning but in the end she finally just said yeah, I did and said all that stuff.So I wanted it all to be gone.But she says she loves me sooo much and doesnt want to lose me that shell do anything to keep me. I cant go on continuously worried as to wether or not shes cheating on me.I dont want to end up 2 lonely people in the same house and one of thems seeing people on the side.Thats not right to me. Thats dragging out a long boring painful existence thats destined to fail. So anyways I still love her. Yes some part of me loves the person she used to be but hates those secrets and twists and little hidden things she keeps from me.I dont want to be the guy that heard it from a friend because my girlfriend couldnt tell me to my face.I dont really understand the whole "girl" thing either.Like Girls who have one person or group that they just tell EVERYTHING to. Its like only getting part of a picture, if you had only part of a picture...would you save it or throw it away and start a new one? So after the whole big 4-5 hour long discussion she says she doesnt want anyone else and because Im not a total dickfuck thats harsh and cruel and w/e I'm feeling a little softer about the situation.And this is it. The only thing I had to offer her was that she could win me back by proving her love for me. I dont know what that is or anything. Its kind of like a fools task but at the same time once she does prove it, Ill know in my heart if its true and if shes honest about keeping me. I cant do all that non trust bullshit.That totally kills everything.Makes you on edge and full of emotion and grief and anger and revenge.and tears.... boohoo anyways so yeah thats it basically..she fucked up , I at least told her about it before I broke her off, and now I'm giving her one last chance. I guess someone might see it as yknow wedging back or letting her walk on me but I think everyone deserves a second chance.Unless they tried to kill you or something.lol And of course I loved her when we were together, so give me a break huh.Im getting older, time is flying past in handfuls of days and I didnt really want anyone else.I guess thats it, I dont have much to say cus I havent really done anything today other than dream some sweet lucid dreams. January 24, 2007

Well so here it is at 4:38 in the morning. I guess I have this overly extended hunger to write some stuff so..whatever.. Anyways. I woke up today talked to some people online and then I took a shower, played some guitar and then left to visit friends. It's amazing how many people I have to hang out with now that my former girlfriend has left. *sigh* Actually she still thinks I'm her boyfriend.She doesnt know that I know how scandalous she was and still is trying to be, now that we've tried working things out.I guess in the end I should have just left it where I broke it, but it hurt really really bad.So bad in fact, that we've tried but I already know shes working against me even though she professes her undying love to me everytime I see her. I mean if you were trying to get someone back what would you do?I suppose I should just break it off all mean and nasty like but everytime I talk to her I just try to hint that maybe I know more than she thinks I do, and besides I'm nobodys dog.Nobody likes being the fool that had everything happening right under his or her nose.Right? I mean do people really appreciate it when they find out theyve been cheated on? No I didnt think so. Unless you have some crazy swinger sex life and open relationships get you all you ever dreamed of..I suppose. I mean I'm just a simple guy from BFE Ohio. I dont have too many requests or rules in a relationship, but one that stands out for myself is: No Cheating. Unless of course youre in the aforementioned swinger/open relationship situation. Even though Ive heard those hurt feelings too and break up relationships and cause heartache and split kids up from their parents and etc,etc,etc. Why does it have to be so hard to find someone thats..trustworthy. Someone who actually has the guts to tell you what youre doing wrong in order to make the relationship grow? Someone who actually has the drive to make it work instead of letting it fester away until finally they get bored enough to have an affair. I didnt cheat you know. I honestly loved this person and wanted none other. I was ready to fully invest everything I had in this person. What a waste of time. What a mass of regret and emotion. But hey it happens all the time right. Maybe I'm just whining.Maybe thats why I'm trying to find someone new , but at the same time it's hard to trust anyone at this point. You never know whats being pulled over your eyes sometimes.You never know who theyll be outside of the online chatroom or personals service they communicate with others through. Well I guess this might be a little depressing for a first blog.I like having one but then tons of people are gonna like read my stuff.Well if they ever decide to check me out.I guess I just needed some time to let it out a little. If for anything its better than sitting in a room, bursting with emotion, and not having anywhere to release them. TUESDAY JANUARY,23 2007