Won a time machine the other day!. Disappointed when I received a clock.

My x-wife said I’m too immature and if I don’t grow up it’s going to erect a barrier between us. Ha ha ha, erect.

If you're in love with 2 people, pick the second one, If you really loved the 1st, you wouldn't have fallen for the 2nd.

The best way to win an argument is to play dead.

How many times do i have to say "excuse me" before "get the fuck out of my way" becomes acceptable?

I'm guessing all my future girlfriends are going to turn out to be tramps too. I hate them already....