Chlorophyll? More like BOREophyll.

Every dog is either a bitch or a son of a bitch.

I ordered a Chicken off of Amazon and an Egg off of eBay. I'll let you know.

Falling back asleep in the morning is much easier if you have things to do.

Everybody talks about how the early bird gets the worm but nobody ever mentions that the early worm gets eaten.

Checking the time now involves looking at social media for 10 minutes, putting your phone back in your pocket, and not actually finding out what time it was.

The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4am is discovering that some people do it on purpose so they can exercise.

The internet connects people at a long distance, but disconnects people at a short distance.

I just had a Hebrew National Hotdog. It's like a normal hotdog, but with the skin at the end cut off.

The voice in my head curses a lot more than I do.

We have facial recognition technology yet a vending machine cant recognize my dollar bill.

Sometimes the only difference between dedication and addiction is whether whatever one is doing is socially acceptable or not.

Don't come to me for advice.. we'll end up buying a bottle.

I t.hink I. mig.ht hav.e ina.dverte.ntly tak.en one .of my wif.e's bir.th c.ontrol pi.lls beca.use m.y perio.ds a.re irr.egu.lar

You may be the #1 best in the world at something that you’ll never have a chance to try.

Maybe we get one magical wish per lifetime and no one knows because we waste it as a baby on extra crackers or something.

If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.

Almost every hand you’ve ever shaken has touched a penis

I watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought “Wow, dogs are so easily entertained”. Then I realised I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes.

Don’t underestimate boredom. Once there was somebody so bored, they rubbed two sticks together for hours. Now we have fire.