Lovegoddess's blog: "Truth..."

It has been awhile, but I have returned to my blogs. The dust has settled, the pain has leveled out and I've met lots of really cool people on fubar, so guess you could say I've been somewhat distracted and hadn't needed to go to my blog-writing for the catharsis I was feeling I'd be needing. As for where I left off, I touched base on the history of how I ended up on fubar and the fateful end with said ex-boyfriend who is a very popular DJ on here. I believe in fate and destiny and things happening for a reason and all of that kind of stuff. People come and go in our lives sometimes for a short time and maybe we'd like for them to stay around a bit longer, but perhaps they fulfill a purpose and need in our lives that we can't see at the time, but after they are gone, we realize that it's for the better that they are not in our lives anymore, but they did touch us for a short time, and it was for some reason that they came into our life in the first place. That's the way that I choose to look at my failed relationships rather than just consider them to be a huge gap of wasted time, which is what I did for the longest time--basically feeling sorry for myself and wishing I had never spent so long with that person since they were so very wrong for me. Anyway, speaking of fate, just a few weeks ago I was working out with my youngest daughter and she mentioned how someone on the workout video reminded her of the ex-boyfriend whom she absolutely adored. Of course, it made me sad since she called and left a message on his answering machine the prior week wishing his son a happy birthday. It's always so sad when children are involved. I told her not to expect a response and she understood. When I came upstairs I was shocked to see a Yahoo msg. from him on my computer saying that his son was thrilled to get the b-day greeting and also that he was worried about me and wanted to know if I was ok. Well truth be known, I wasn't ok. My oldest daughter was about to have surgery and at the time it was questionable if it was cancer, so I was extremely upset, so we started talking and he asked me to call him. Well, as you can probably imagine, I was emotionally weak, slightly intoxicated, and very fragile at the time, so when he invited me over the next night, uh, I guess I didn't exactly say no. I hadn't seen him since the end of June and I guess I did kind of miss him. Good thing I still had his apt. key since by the time I got there he was asleep/passed out? (he did request that I come over after midnight so his son would be in bed since he had 'abandonment issues'?--like this was my fault?) Well needless to say, we had a wonderful time. Yes, I was aware of the fact that he was having on online relationship with someone in another country, which I couldn't understand that at all, but what really got to me was the blatant almost throwing-it-in-my-face stuff which seemed to happen. I knew I was a bootie call that night, but he told me he wasn't expecting the emotions and feelings for me to come back full throttle as they did. As I sat on his bed, he typed msgs. to his sweetie on Yahoo, "I miss you, I love you my Princess." Her picture was his screensaver on his computer and when it was 'their private time' I would leave the room to go play a video game with his son who appeared quite happy to see me. I guess I just didn't understand how he could be so deeply, madly and passionately in love with someone so quickly as we had just broken up 2 months ago. Then he tells me that I wasn't just a booty call and that his feelings for me were genuine yet just say her name and you could wake him from a coma...

First off, let me begin by saying that in my experience, the guys who say they don't like drama, hate it, avoid it with a passion, save it for yo mamma kind of people are generally the kind who tend to crave it the most. Now let me qualify that here with saying that is in MY OWN personal experience and my own opinion. Here again it has been proven to be right. A guy who swears that he hates drama and he has apparently been sucked up into the middle of the eye of a hurricane. This one is SOOOO hot that he is sweatin some major bullets right now. I'm gettin way ahead of myself here. I skipped the phase which led me to fubar in the first place: our little 'after-break-up-tryst.' What he did was so completely uncalled for and twisted and cruel and....anyway, I need to take a breather and get something to eat before I get too upset. I just happened to think about the drama thing. I'll be back in awhile. Fate and destiny are my next 2 topics I wanted to discuss...

I'm sure by now that all of you fellow bloggers out there have taken root, ordered pizzas, cracked open some cold ones and have called over your friends and you're just sitting on the edge of your seats waiting for my next entry in this twisted little soap opera journal of events...lol! Well, let me start out by giving you the romantic 'history' of me and mr. DJ. We met a year ago and really hit it off. We started seeing each other exclusively and I visited him every weekend since I lived in another city. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve since I have been hurt so many times in the past, so I believe in taking things slow and gradually and really getting to know someone at first. However, in the first month he said he could fall in love with me and immediately I kind of froze up. I almost ran then, but I stuck around and soon after that he started telling me that he loved me, even though I kept telling him not to get emotionally involved. Well, maybe it was those incredibly intoxicating and mesmerizing blue eyes of his that had an effect on me, but it wasn't long after that that I was reciprocating his "I love you's." We got along great. We shared the same sick and warped sense of humor, the same laid back style, tastes in music, poetry, books, movies, food, cars, motorcycles, hiking, camping, cats, sensuality, and need I even mention we really hit it off quite well sexually in all regards. Ours was a relationship full of passion and love on all levels and it probably was stronger on his side I must admit. We had our share of problems, doubts, fears and disillusionments too, as all relationships do, but probably the greatest of them all was ALCOHOL! It seemed that every time a little problem came up in the relationship it was blown way out of proportion, and rather than communicating about it, I felt like his motto should have been: morph it with vodka rather than dwarf it with love. Anyhoo, he always insisted he didn't like drama and I can probably think of 2 maybe 3 instances of things that happened in the 9 mos. that we were together that could have been categorized as 'drama', but then again, they were really somewhat minor, and always involved alcohol. I got to the point that I thought he was just looking for excuses out of the relationship if he was constantly turning to drinking when there was any little glitch, and the constant lies were killing me. Lies about little things that didn't even matter sometimes. Then he would say if he told me the truth I wouldn't be able to handle it. Well excuse me, I'm an adult and if you're going to have a relationship with me you for better damn sure be prepared to tell me the truth cuz I CAN'T STAND LIARS!!! We would have little phases of no communication during these mini disputes, but then late in June, we got back together for an incredible, peaceful, beautiful weekend together right before I went on vacation. We agreed that we were going to take things slow and easy and try to go back to how things were when we first met. Great! That was fine with me. We parted feeling refreshed, rejuvenated and more in love than ever before. He promised he would keep in communication with me while I was on vacation, if not on the phone then over Yahoo. Well, 2 days later I discover a porn/sex site profile that he had set up a week prior to my visit and I got rather upset about it. Granted, he did this during a time when he was supposedly 'drunk and trying to deal with shit at a time when he thought that I hated him.' Another example how alcohol always caused that wedge between us. Of course the profile turned out to be completely bogus spam and he wasn't really using it, but imagine my shock when I had just been to his apt. making love to him and then I see my b-frnd's profile and pic all over a slutty sex site! OMG! I was hurt beyond words and I called him late at night crying on the phone. He answered and said, 'if I didn't care would I have even answered?' Duh...hmmm, that's kind of a no-brainer to me. If he hadn't answered I think I would have been pretty damn stupid to have even bothered at that point. So what happened then was he says, 'why are we torturing ourselves, we know it's over', blah, blah, I'm in the meantime crying trying to get him not to give up. I accept his apology and say I still want to see him when I get back from vacation. Well the next day when I get ready to leave I send him several msgs. which he doesn't respond to any of them. He remains very cold and aloof. The day that I leave to go on vacation he sends me a msg. over Yahoo instant msgr. that it's over, yes this is goodbye over an instant msgr. because I care too much to do it any other way. What balls! He cared so much. No face-to-face conversation, no phonecall, nothing, nada, zilch, after the beautiful weekend we had together. I'm left to agonize with this being dropped on me as I leave for my vacation. Well bon voyage to me! Happy f**king trails! I guess he was off the hook on havin to call me while I was on vacation.

First off, being a new member to fubar and this being my very first blog entry, I wanted to start off by saying that I absolutely LOVE to write and always have, but this is honestly the first time I have ever written a blog on a profile before. I have other profiles such as MySpace, Tagged, Yahoo 360, MSN, and I think some other ones that I can't even remember it's been so long since I visited them! I just never took the time to write down anything interesting. But then when I start writing there's usually no stopping me and I tend to ramble on and on and start writing novels at that point oblivious of paragraphing, etc. So pardon me if I use this newfound space here as a bit of a catharsis because that is exactly what it is going to be for me. A way to heal and overcome a situation that has exploded in my face. I consider myself to be a very kind and understanding and loving person, but the kind of emotional pain that I have been subjected to the past few days has practically pushed me to the brink. I said practically. I'm not here to point fingers, call names, be judgmental, etc., etc. I believe in forgiveness, but in all fairness, I also believe in fate and karma to a certain extent and that what comes around goes around. I am sitting here at my computer feeling utterly lonely, knowing absolutely no one on this site, and alienated from the one person who led me to fubar. The whole story is rather twisted, but to give a brief history on it, this person kept telling me in communications from time to time that he was a DJ on a site which would remain 'unrevealed.' OK, whatever. Did I beg him to reveal the name of the site? NO. However, somehow, his newfound moonlighting kept popping up in conversation and he always made it be known that he wasn't going to reveal the name, as if I cared. It was almost as if he thought I was gonna be begging him to reveal where this site was. Well then, just a couple days ago while at his apt. he again was taunting this DJing thing at me, saying, 'you would probably really like this site,' which I replied over and over to him that I probably wouldn't. I already had enough stuff going on in my life and I didn't need to be spending anymore time on the computer. He said he knew me very well and he knew I would like this. He then FORCED me to look at his computer screen while he pulls up fubar.com!! I tried to cover my eyes, honestly! Well, he was obviously just chompin at the bit and couldn't wait to let the cat outta the bag! So that's the first part of the story. Sounds innocent enough. Except for the fact that this guy was an ex-boyfriend and we had broken up 2 months prior to that and we were just hooking up again on Friday night because he supposedly missed me so much and wanted to see me again. Well, if I haven't lost you yet or bored you to tears, go to the next blog and read on...