Persephoneia's blog: "Thoughts that Very Few Understand...."

You know, there are times when you just don't think it is possible for anything good to happen....when you're absolutely certain that only horrible, bad, terrible, tear filled days await you in the future. When you're completely sure of the fact that you will spend the absolute rest of your days in completely misery. And suddenly, from out of no where, a simple, joking, statement, opens doors that you were absolutely certain were closed and locked up tight. Doors that you just knew you would never have the opportunity to walk through again. And you find out that all you had to do was knock. And though it may seem like a small victory, like such a tiny thing...there can be so many promises in the moisture brought by tears of joy.

I believe that people argue just to make themselves feel better. I believe that it is not necessary to love yourself before you love another. I believe that everyone can do better. I believe that a beautiful mind is more important than a beautiful body. I believe that some people are simply meant to be alone. I believe in Jeffism (you'll have to ask or read later). I believe broken hearts are more common than happiness. I believe that world peace can be achieved. I believe people can learn to accept almost anything. I believe that trust is a more precious commodity than gasoline. I believe forgiveness is not always possible. I believe that marriage is an outdated institution. I believe that God has turned his back on us. These aren't lyrics, just thoughts. ;)

I believe the sun should never set upon an argument. I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands. I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you. I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do. I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem. I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone. I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned. I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned. I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side. I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye. I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality. I believe that trust is more important than monogamy. I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul. I believe that family is worth more than money or gold. I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair. I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires. I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness. I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed. I believe that God does not endorse tv evangelists. I believe in love surviving death into eternity. Alright, you caught me. They're Savage Garden lyrics. But I do agree with the song. I believe all that stuff. Good stuff to believe, in fact.

I can face almost anything. There are very few things that are simply too much for me. For instance, I could not face the death of one of my children. Now, logically, looking at it from outside the box, I can understand that this is an event that people do have to face. Even children die sometimes. But I am not sure I could see such a thing through to the end and still be in posession of the little bit of sanity I still have left. There are things that I think I cannot face. Things that I am sure will break the very essence of my soul. Crush it like so much chalk, demolish it into a smooth dust to be blown away in the wind. These things seem so very devastating to me...and then sometimes one of them happens. Something so simple as a long time friend simply losing faith in me. To some, this may seem to be unimportant, but when that person is not only a friend of many years, but a Mentor, a Teacher, a Leader of many of the very things I base the makeup of my personality on. When that person is someone I have looked up to, have cherished, have loved, have poured my heart out to on numerous occasions, have looked to for guidance so many times that I stopped counting long ago.....the feeling is absolutely cruel. Cruel in such a way that I would rather withstand the torture of an expert interrogator in some sandy foreign country where women are mere objects of amusement. (joke for those who know me) This event can surely be made even more disturbing when the details of the loss of faith are placed in another instance when I had gone to the person for comfort and guidance. I had thought that I would receive condolences, perhaps a lecture, some wise words. I had not even begun to consider such a reception as I received. And yes, it hurts. Yes, my heart aches with each passing moment, a little more. Some minutes go by and I do not think of the situation. But then it enters my mind once more and the tears flow freely. I feel hurt. I feel betrayed. I try to feel angry, but I cannot. Because somewhere deep down, I suppose I knew that this would occur at some point, on some level. And even though I know there is still one person who will never give up on me, who will never turn her back, who will be more to me than even a sister could ever even consider being...I am still, now more than ever...Heartbroken.

How is it possible for a person to be in a content mood...and still be frustrated, upset, irritated, etc? I do not understand that, most definately not. Things, supposedly, happen for a reason, and I would surely love to know the reason. If someone could tell me the reason, I would most likely be a happier individual. Unless I didn't like the reason, then I would, more than likely, just be more pissed off. Interesting how that works, isn't it? It's sort of like when someone says "Be honest, do these pants make my butt look big?" They said be honest, but if you say yes, they're not gonna be very happy. People only want to know the truth when it's the truth they want to hear. That doesn't make sense to me.

Sometimes you need to do something...and while you really do want to do it...you fear the backlash, the consequences, the results...of your actions. As you sit and consider whether to do what needs to be done, or to leave it undone, you must ask yourself.... If you do the thing that you think you need to do, will the worst possible consequences put you in a worse position than you're in now, or can things really only get better? Not to suggest that, if the worst possible result is worse than the present situation, that you automatically choose not to act. Because there may only be a .5% chance of that happening. But seriously weighing possible consequences against the current situation is most definately a good idea. But then, when it really comes down to it, people will base their decision on whether or not they really want to do the thing they think they need to do. Because if you didn't want to do it in the first place, you won't, no matter how badly it needs to be done. And if you did want to do it, most people will do it, consequences be damned. Know what I mean?

So, once again, I was wrong and Someone was right. I won't say Who. Perhaps two Someones were both right...that's more likely. You know, when you're young, you think that you know everything...and even if you're intelligent enough to be aware that you don't know everything, you still usually think that you know which decision is the right one to make, and most people cannot be dissuaded from those youthful decisions....until they realize on their own that they were wrong. However, normally, when someone tells you something, and you refuse to listen, and then it turns out that they were right all along....if that happens, with the same Someone, on several occasions...you'd think that after a while you would learn to listen to the Someone. However, I still don't listen. I mean, I listen more now than I did before, that's for sure. At least I think I do. But many times I am, in fact, though I disagree with others who say it, quite stubborn. I don't mean to be stubborn. I try very hard to be agreeable and sweet and nice and such. But evidently it's ingrained in the very makeup of my being to be difficult. Now, many people, when faced with someone who is constantly stubborn, constantly doesn't listen, rarely admits they are wrong....most people would eventually give up and walk away....but there are some people who don't. There are some people who stand by, waiting, quite patiently, for the stubborn person to figure out, once again, that they were right. These are the people that truly deserve to be thanked. These are the people who you can depend on, no matter how many times you screw up, no matter how many times you're a spoiled, rotten, rebellious, stubborn, brat. And maybe, just maybe, that's the real meaning of Family.