fonzerrellie's blog: "thoughts on life..."

I thought this was a good topic... A woman was asking if it was OK to date someone that wasn't a christian, or just has different "faith" then you ? I totally understand your fear... I have loads of "faith" in my belieffs (although I'm not religious) And my last girlfriend wasn't sure on hers yet or just has different ones... she did feel like I was pushing my "faith" on her... but that deffinatly wasn't my intention, I mean doesn't everyone want thier partner or friends to understand them ? I know I sure want to know what my friends believe in thier hearts and share in it... doesn't mean I will believe it aswell. I believe that "faith" is personal...and "religion" is social, "religion" is ran by men... and "faith" is ran by your heart. (this kind of sums it up for me) For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it."--Matt 16:25 I think it kinda means follow the "faith" in your heart, not what someone has told you to believe... "faith" is your personal relationship with god/jesus/your belieffs and taking that into consideration will allways lead to doing things in life for "his sake" and I know my perspective of what it means to me as someone who loves jesus... may be totally diff then another persons view who loves him aswell. so I guess what I'm getting at is that I believe faith is in the heart and mind of the observer, that if you blindly go for a partner just cause they go to the same church as you it doesn't really mean they have the exact same belieffs/faith as you. I would say if your really interested in a person...take time to learn more about him and his belieffs in life, lol and take time to see if he follows it ;) Just cause he doesn't claim a church does it really mean he has no "faith" ? decide for yourself if "jesus/god/your life" would approve. not a label For me I love having differences like that... it gives us something to talk about... as long as the person is fundementally a good and moral person I would be open to loving them. I have the utmost respect for all of your belieffs, lol and if you took the time to read all of this I Thank you for your respect aswell Peace and love to all you groovy humans ;) (added 07/12/07) (someone said that a non-believer is more likely to bring down a believer, ??? I thought that was kinda wierd) If thier Faith is as strong as they usually say it is...then they would be a beaken of light to the non believer would they not ??? or are you saying that lack of faith is stronger then having faith ? I certainly don't believe that, I think that if both people have took'n time to come to thier own conclusions then they can certainly respect another for coming to thier own. and then the conversations should never be nagging or preachy. If someone hasn't took'n the time... then allmost any conversation about god or faith will seem like preaching

I feel all the damage done... I'm only 27 !!!! and have smoked regularly since 12. (since 17, 20-40 ciggs a day) I'm not retarded, I've known that my addiction is killing me and how bad the addiction is for me, In fact in my iggnorance for like the last 8 -10 years I've been trying to convince myself to quit by calling them "shit sticks" "cancer sticks" pretty much trying to make myself hate and resent ciggarettes... but you get out of life what you put into it, and in the end the resentment was really being passed right back to me. even though I was trying to do positive for myself I was using negitive tools and energy to accomplish it... Allmost 10 years I've hated and resented every puff, which I believe have only allowed the effects of smoking to pile up in me more and more... hatred, and resentment only equalls more hatred and resentment, and they are a cancer in themselves, the more conscious of this fact I become, the more I feel that I've been allowing the sickness in, and allowing it to spawn faster and faster. If the damage is done now, there is no point in feeling sorry for myself, and I don't want anyone else to feel sorry for me... I'm justa bit dissapointed that I had to learn the lesson in such a way, I'am however thankful I learned it. and atleast I will not die hugging a pack of ciggarettes or asking for just one more cigg... and that is good enough for me. I've made my peace, with myself... aswell as trying to help my mother and my friends understand how I see my path, and where I am with in it... something that may seem retarded to some... is that I've seen this coming since I was about 16 (I think) when I had a "vision quest" that showed me what was in store for me... I saw myself,,, lie'ng dead, I thought I looked about 35 - 40 in the vision, no circumstances that I could see had caused the death... in an oobe (out of body experience) I came across my body just lying there in a peacefull place, did not look hurt or sick I was just there at peace, dead. I never got the feeling that it was a controllable facter that caused the death... like it was just meant to be that way, and I was just giving myself a heads up. The vision is a big part of what has shaped the man that I have become, it helped me to see that my soul is eternal, that this physical body and my material wants and needs are not nearly as important as the wants and needs of my soul. I have lived my life and continue to live my life aware of the fact that if I don't deal with the important life lessons, in my past aswell as my future, I know they will be waiting for me when I pass... (you can't run from yourself forever) Drama is real, karma is real, my soul is real, happiness is real, emotional pain is real and Love is real and I believe that the universe/god/life cares and loves you, and wants you to love yourself aswell as all the fellow humans that we share our existence with. Put love out into the universe with no expectations...and you may be amazed at how much love the universe will give it back to you. Happiness is happiness, and money is money don't confuse the two. I only ask for happiness, to love, to be loved, balance, truth/honesty, understanding... to have a balanced enjoyable life. and I do my best to only project those same things out into the universe aswell as I try to give them freely to my friends. and those are the only things I want from my friends aswell. my friends may never know how much I truly care for and love them and that's OK... it is there if they want to see it. I hope you did not think this is a self pitty letter or somthing... deffinatly was not my intent... my only intent was to share a personal piece of myself and my path. and if anything more... mabye my friends will see that I'm not asking for pity if I'm talking about my death... I'm just try'n explain how I feel and what I'm going through. Peace and love to all you groovy humans (wish me luck with the cigg's it gonna be a long road) :)

Patience and honesty are two of the most important things people can have for one another... and with that you will allway's have a foundation for a true friendship, and love. for people who are learning to love, or learning what true friendship really implies, Patience and Honesty for youself aswell... cuase shouldn't "you" be "your" true'st friend of all ?? Peace and Love to all you groovy humans and to the few that I call my true friends that know how much that really means to me... you will never know how much I adore you for your patience with me.

some will find this boring or just me venting, and it is... just my form of expression. If you do take the time to read this I thank you for sharing this little piece of me. Never have I wanted somthing so much...but yet been so content with what I have. I used to enjoy being alone so much, I would be more then happy to see my friends leave so that I could be alone in my own mind and to sit with my guides/ gaurdian angels (whatever you refer to them as), It was nice being content to just be... To be connected to my guides, the earth and space in that momment in time. I was content to be in that state for what seemed like an eternity sometimes (maybe it was) It became so natural, life brought me my teachers and students as I needed... when I allowed myself to maintain the balance/ vibe, I would allway's be beyond my ego and rarely would human drama be allowed to remain in my life exept with'n the moment that I was sharing with one of my friends/loved ones/fellow students of our home. and I was happy/content being the conduit for my friends... never attempting to create my own drama or deal with the karma that I had allready allowed to be placed on my shoulders from my childhood... and That is not truly balanced in the end. But I know now why the patience I had was so important to my life (and to my teachers and students) We are not raised/nurtured to have the confidence it takes to deal with our drama on our own, let alone the patience it takes to help another with there's. it takes tools... tools that are not formed over night or that can even be learnt through meer words, they have to be learnt through life experience, reflection of those experiences aswell as the experience's and choices that others have made to obtain all the diff out comes in there lives... pretty much the trial and error of life on this planet. I was pushed through my childhood my parents never having the time or patience to allow me to learn at the rate at which I naturally learn, or even the compassion to see that I need and have the right to follow the path that seemed so natural to me and my heart... and this was the cause of much of my troubles and despair in my early life and even now as I write this I'm wishing for that one day my father will see me as the man that I am, and be able to let go of his own ego... all the expectations he had placed on me to be what he had invisioned for me and all the dissapointment he feels that I choose not to or could not follow his path... that dissapointment seems to have turned into resentment toward me... in fact I cannot remember looking into my fathers eye's and not seeing and feeling his resentment and fear toward me, It has broken my heart every time. But that is his fear and I must allow him to own his own karma. I will be here waiting for him to come to me with respect, with true emotion and honesty... If he cannot controll his need to be in controll and his dominence that he needs and makes him feel like he has the right to belittle another mans life and to litteraly steal anothers confidence and energy (becuase he has so little of his own) then I will choose to continue on my path and allow him to continue his existence that I find so distructive to his loved ones, himself and his soul. I have not seen or spoken to my father in well over one full year, and as much as that fact breaks my heart, it is nothing compared to the heartbreak, confusion and depression that the sick relationship brought to me in my daily life as a child and as a man. My choice has brought me great confidence in my self, my communication skills have been flurishing... the progress I've been making with my own karma is outstanding, which has allowed me to be even more compassionate and helpfull to my friends. I am proud to say that it has been the best year of this life of mine. (a conscious man can learn from others aswell as themselves, and an ignorant one can only learn from themselves) So much deception, frustration, helplessness surrounding so many individuals... and I am here to help anyway I can to help find even alittle bit of the self confidence in themselves it takes to obtain the tools that are so drasticly needed to clean our own Karma and create less and less drama in daily life. I have never wanted money for the time and effort that I give so freely to anyone who speak's to me with honesty or curiosity... how could I ask money for something that brings me so much joy when I see personal growth and confidence in another... it is truly a gift that I cherish, not to mention the unbelievable personal growth that I obtain in the same moment. It is my belieff that we are all the students of this planet we a call home aswell as we need to accept and have the confidence in the fact that we are all teachers... and should respect everyone as such, wether it be a stranger on the street... or your own parent or child. and I choose to live my life as such. I thank my mother for being strong enough and patient enough and for having the ability to try her best to step away from her fear and allow me to flurish into the man that I am today, she may never know how much she has done for me. I thank all my friends and all you wonderfull humans that have so selflessly help me along my path, with your honesty, compassion, art and love. and I so graciously thank god and the universe for all the little hints/coinsidence's and for showing your intent through every piece of your spectacular creation... through our pens our words, through the songs the birds sing or the light that the sun so willingly offers us. It is there waiting to be seen, respected and lived by anyone who can truly let go off themselves even for a moment and truly love and be loved... your ego does not love you ! your ego will work you into the ground and still demand more of you, it will make meaningless material things more important than the things that we really need in life, in the end realize we really wanted in the first place and was allway's waiting there for us to enjoy... life, love and the wonderfull things we find with in it. This is some of the knowledge and things that the gifts of being what has been called "chroniclly depressed" "emotionaly crippled" "waste of existence" "dwelling on my past" all the labels that others have tried to put on my shoulders instead of allowing me the right to come to my own conclusions and to follow my own path. I have many opinions and belieffs, I do not judge you for having yours... in fact I honor and respect you for them. and I thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts and please if it compell's any thoughts, I would love to hear them. Peace and Love all you groovy humans. Chris Fontaine / fonzerrellie (P.S. The messenger is not important)