Ms Kak Tease o NgC o OG's blog: "Thoughts & Emotions"

I still think about you I day dream bout the fun times we had How you made me laugh and I miss that feeling Many things remind me of you and I miss our friendship we had You was like a best friend How do i get that back Will it ever come back Lost in my thoughts here waitin on love

So sometimes things happen And you really wish they didnt Or maybe the way they unfolded was differently done Sometimes you wonder if certain things that are done or have been said, are on purpose. But you never know, and Id never ask. There are people you get really close to and maybe there could be more. And sometimes arent. Yet you still want to be really close to them. Things that you miss about that person. And so many things can remind you of that person Which can drive a person batty, especially when you are not on speaking terms. And as well havent smoothed things over with the actions you both have done towards eachother. And all you want is their friendship. I sometimes wonder whats the world got in store for me. For all the crap I have gone thru in my life. They say if it doesnt kill you it only makes you stronger. Well Ive been thru so much I feel like an ARMY of strength. And it makes me wonder, why must I have to be so strong yet not completely happy right now for? What the hell am I going to go thru in the future? To get so prepared for now? I think fuck Im a pretty fucking cool person and hell a god damn bad ass chick! Yet, here i sit, single, alone, 28 bout to be 29, no children. Been in Love ? Totally not so sure. Afraid I might not ever have children and being alone, Both totally Huge Fears of mine. And I just i dont know, need someone to comfort me. I got this huge heart that always gets stomped on. Or so it seems. But I keep on being that person, who forgives and learns and gives and loves. I cant change that no matter how hard I try. And yes I get hurt repeatedly and say I wont let it happen again. But I always open myself up for it. Because I forgive to easily. And maybe all this shit is for learning practice for me. Who knows. but it really does suck. And Im tired of this game. I only try to those I really do care about. Try to be their friend, try to care try anything... And that in itself should say alot about me. And only a few on here Would even KNOW what that means. That I dont give up on people I care for. Im not sure what this blog is even about... Prolly just me rambling things off that flow thru my head. But damn when can a girl get a break? Im tired of the Lies, being ignored, not telling the WHOLE Truth, avoiding, assholes, non caring fucks. Im an honest person. I try to always tell the truth and whats on my mind. I just would like that back in return. No matter how much YOU think it might hurt me. In the end the truth U tried to spare my feelings for, so you lie, actually ends up Hurting my feelings the most. You lie to those who DONT Deserve the Truth And right there.. U lie to me.. U think I dont deserve it. And you just put me where Im not worth much to you in your heart, and if thats the case... Then I dont need you in my life. And Yea I may not be perfect either. You may end up hurting me and I may end up saying or doing a few actions towards you because i hurt. But eventually I do apologize for it, even thou I dont think I really need to. But I do. I really dont want to hurt anyones feelings. Thats not me. I may not speak up enough to certain people that might be hurting my feelings, and I may keep it bundled up inside, til it explodes like a valcano. but thats me. I try to shrugg it off. I am just me, and thats all I try to be. When will someone Try for Me as Hard as I would Try for them ? And WHy is it, past few years, Every guy wants me so badly, and then its always, the case they arent ready for the relationship? Why are these the only guys that seem to frolic towards me? And its not like I go out looking for these types. I dont even go looking. Usually something that just happens. Start talkng turns to more, but when you get close or even right before that. Breaks turns on ! And its always not ready to settle. This is really starting to annoy me. Im starting to think Im going to have to just say no, everytime. Put the brick wall Back Up. And hope someone knows how to chip it down. Maybe someone who Will TRY Hard enough, just Might break it down. We will see.. And I hate to say this, but Only time will tell ! Bah back to my dark corner

lots of things go thru my mind. which i mainly keep bottled up inside. and i do talk to a few people and let them in on some things. trust to me is something earned. but also if i think i can trust you. i trust you with all my might. and things that have happened to me in the past. well if i start getting weird feelings can make me kinda paranoid, that the trust i have given so easily, might bite me in the ass. theres a many reasons why i feel or get this feeling. and i feel the need to let some of them out. lets see i lost both my parents by the time i was 16. many horrible things happened leading up to those events. but i will elaborate on those another day. after my father passed, i was told to live with my half sister who was 20 years older than me. which was hard. she was shelterd and naive. and i was independent and street smart. ended up she wanted me gone, and things went really sour with me and her. well when she got custody of me, she made her children and i move into our fathers and mines condo. which was a 1 bedroom condo. she had 4 children. well when i moved out of my own place.. she stayed with her kids. she ended up leaving before my apt lease was up where i had to live at and as well took all my social security money to fix a leaky pipe. that trust there gone. someone that i thought i could trust totally took advantage of me for her own gain. she ended up somehow able to buy a new car and place. coincidence.. i think not. anyways.. i have had my fair share of boy trouble. i tend to be pretty choosey on who i date or talk to. i wasnt the girl with many boyfriends. i barely gave anyone the time of day. i finally let one in. he ended up getting bad on druggs. and i thought i loved him. so i stayed hoping hed change. but i was always fooled. in and out of jail. selling dope in my condo, having parties. leading to other felony events he did as well. i finally let him go, after i lost the condo my dad left me. he stole things from me, blamed it on his friends. took money, jewelry, etc.. when it came to be the times i needed him to be there for me, for whatever reason, the drugs always took 1st place. i was forgotten bout and never appreciated. so i finally let him go and everything and moved on. which took me years to trust someone again to get that close to me. this is when i found yahoo chat. made new friends and still have a best friend i met from there i still talk to. well, i started talking to this guy. thought it was too good to be true. we talked for almost 1 yr. we really had something between us. i thought there was something real between us. so i went to meet him. everything was great. so later that year we planned on me moving out to where he lived. that would be 6 months later. so 1 month before its time for me to move out. he asks for some money from me, saying he could turn it into more. and it would help with me moving out there. so me being the trusting person i am. sent it. after a week or two goes by. i cant get ahold of him, and he disappears on me. totally crushed and feeling like a complete fool an idiot. trying to get ahold of him, not knowing if he was alive, in jail, or anything. i finally give up after a month and figure i was just played the fool. unsure and totally not understanding. with the embarrassment of the trust i gave and then made a fool of. I decided im going to still move. so i moved to tampa florida. a year later after moving. the guy i thought i was going to start a new life with calls me. says he was in jail and then blames everything on me. so from there on, i told myself no more internet crazyness. i move on, live in florida 6 yrs and been burned 3 times by guys. 1 long term relationship for 3 yrs, guy breaks up with me and then gets married 6 months later. which the break up totally abrupt. he live 3 hrs from me. we saw eachother every weekend. everything was awesome. he comes to visit for valentines. he goes home. we talk to next week and its we are over. and it was my fault for being so far away. which i would try to find jobs and he always told me dont move out here for me. yet the distance got to him and im to be blamed for it. the next guy, shows alot of interest, we hang out, we talk, and then just liek usual, stops calling, and seems to disappear.. when we finally talk again, its i thought U wasnt into me anymore. like usual its my fault i did something wrong. on to the next guy which was recently. so talking flirting and etc for almsot a year. things are great we hang out alot. do thigns together, go to movies. i get along with his friends and vice versa. he takes me to meet other friends he introduces me around as his girl. we have crazy talks that are semi serious. and then next thing. the calls and the hanging out seem to seise and happen less and less. so i write him an email. telling him my feelings and laying it out all on the line. and i never get a response from it. i end up only running into him at the bar. so i confront him and its who said we were together. as usual im totally confused and we talk a lil. he says he wants to take things slow. i agree thats fine. as if we were barely talking and hanging out as it is. this becomes so less thats its like we arent talking what so ever. however if he sees me at the bar hes all over me hanging on me near me etc. so then we end up talking again..at the bar .. like usual since its the only place we run into eachother. and i get told this time. i thought we were only friends with benefits. foolish me, to think there was more. and its all my fault like im dilusional to be thinking there was more going on, as if it was all in my head. this was hard for me to get over. hes someone i really started liking alot and actually thought it would go somewhere. but as usual, i was fooled. im always that girl that i guess isnt enough. never right. it just always seems guys just want me for one thing. i feel like im not good enough. that i will always be alone. that i wont ever find that someone.. so for me to trust someone is hard ive been burned alot. and for me to trust someone to be with, in my life. is even harder. yet the person i am, i am in love with love. so i cant ever give up on that. and i will let people in and be totally blind at times. and at times totally coherent to what is going on, but unwilling to believe it and hope that its not true. and i always seem to get hurt. i feel like i will never be appreciated and always be taken for the fool. im usually extremely intuative about things and my gut usually is right. but sometimes my emotions run so high, everything gets confusing and im totally off. thus causing paranoia in me and extreme crazy thoughts run thru my head. and i get worried, that again i will be disappointed like usual. and it will be my fault in some shape form or fashion. at times i feel like a complete idiot and foolish. crazy even. i just want to be totally happy. and with that i will do anything i can to be totally happy. and that seems to always, in the past, take me for a ride that leads no where but heartache. but i wont give up on something i want and think i deserve. so i may overreact, or exaggerate, and be totally insane for certain thoughts. just know, its whats ive been thru, the disappointment. i think its me, my fault, something i did wrong. on those days, i just need some reassurance than normal on those days. to prove me wrong on my crazy thoughts. so here i am on fubar. i got here on a whim by a friend i played yahoo poker with. and it became more as the days went on. been burned by someone on here already. but got over that, because it was all kinda of expected. then by some chance i found someone. without trying. not sure how it happened but it just did. which im totally happy. and they always say dont jump in feet first. but thats who i am. feet first full trust. open arms, entire heart in it. so i went and met this guy. and things are great. going to be moving in with him, within the next few months to somewhere totally new to me. no friends, all alone, except for him. Im totally scared and unsure and yet totally excited and couldnt be more sure. all at the same time. and because of all the emotions and feelings runnig thru me my anxiety and paranoia over certain things intensify. so the littlest things can get me really sad and depressed and have me overreacting. i care alot for him. hes the reason i have a good day. he makes me smile just be hearing his voice. i dont want this to backfire because right now, he makes me happy ...update ... dec 17th.... well things arent what they seemed..but at least it didnt go too far.. we are just going to be friends.. yes there was hurt feelings , sadness.. and maybe im a lil pissed off .. but i will move on.. and eventually put it past me.. who knows what the world has in store for me.. but i guess DC wasnt it.. dont worry im fine :) All My love

I cannot pretend to feel impartial about colours. I rejoice with the brilliant ones and am genuinely sorry for the poor browns. Sir Winston Churchill British politician (1874 - 1965) You are not here merely to make a living. You are here to enable the world to live more amply, with greater vision, and with a finer spirit of hope and achievement. You are here to enrich the world. You impoverish yourself if you forget this errand. Woodrow Wilson 28th president of US (1856 - 1924) Seek not happiness too greedily, and be not fearful of happiness. Lao-tzu Chinese philosopher (604 BC - 531 BC) The question should be, is it worth trying to do, not can it be done. Allard Lowenstein, O Magazine, September 2002 Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens. Epictetus Roman (Greek-born) slave & Stoic philosopher (55 AD - 135 AD) Only the educated are free. Epictetus, Discourses Roman (Greek-born) slave & Stoic philosopher (55 AD - 135 AD) I think we ought always to entertain our opinions with some measure of doubt. I shouldn't wish people dogmatically to believe any philosophy, not even mine. Bertrand Russell British author, mathematician, & philosopher (1872 - 1970) If there were in the world today any large number of people who desired their own happiness more than they desired the unhappiness of others, we could have paradise in a few years. Bertrand Russell British author, mathematician, & philosopher (1872 - 1970) Men fear thought as they fear nothing else on earth -- more than ruin -- more even than death.... Thought is subversive and revolutionary, destructive and terrible, thought is merciless to privilege, established institutions, and comfortable habit. Thought looks into the pit of hell and is not afraid. Thought is great and swift and free, the light of the world, and the chief glory of man. Bertrand Russell British author, mathematician, & philosopher (1872 - 1970) So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence. Bertrand Russell British author, mathematician, & philosopher (1872 - 1970) The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts. Bertrand Russell British author, mathematician, & philosopher (1872 - 1970) Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness. Bertrand Russell, Conquest of Happiness (1930) ch. 12 British author, mathematician, & philosopher (1872 - 1970) Obstacles cannot crush me. Every obstacle yields to stern resolve. He who is fixed to a star does not change his mind. Leonardo DaVinci, Notebooks (c. 1500) Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men. Martin Luther King Jr., Strength to Love, 1963 US black civil rights leader & clergyman (1929 - 1968) It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare; it is because we do not dare that they are difficult. Seneca Roman dramatist, philosopher, & politician (5 BC - 65 AD) The man who writes about himself and his own time is the only man who writes about all people and all time. George Bernard Shaw Irish dramatist & socialist (1856 - 1950) This has to be my most favorite of them all.. I quote this one a daily basis Happiness is a journey, not a destination. Dance as though no one is watching you. Love as though you have never been hurt before. Sing as though no one can hear you. Live as though heaven is on earth. -- Father Alfred D'Souza

why is it, that you are never truly thankful, till you lost what you are thankful for? i once heard, when you say " i love you" that is your feeling. Which doesnt matter much at all. Its what you do that matters the most. No matter what the lie is, the other always knows the truth. And no matter how much it hurts, to always tell the truth. why is it, its the truth that never gets told. and when it does its like a volcano exploding. what is it we are all so afraid of ? we say we hate lies, but condone them. we want to hear the truth, but keep the silence. We want to talk about our feelings and find a resolution, no matter it be good or bad. But never do, and just ignore the facts. why is it we always settle and never reach and strive for our goals? do we think they are unattainable? and if we do why is it ? when before they were our dreams and we would of done anything to achieve them ? why is it we resist to be what our parents and grand parents and ancestors were ? why must we think we are better than they ? why dont we ever learn anymore from our mistakes ? why is it 3 times a charm ? must we fail 3 times to understand the reason it was wrong in the first place? why are there second chances if no one gives them to you ? do people ever change or do they learn to hide the truth better? why do we always have doubt ? why arent we optimistic ? why do we always point out the bad and not the good ? do you ever wonder when you think back, why you can remember all the bad moments, but not as many good moments? they always say the good ones out number the bad ones. If so, why cant you remember them ? is there such a thing as a soul mate ? is a soul mate the person you fall in love with ? or can it be your friend ? if a soul mate is someone who will love you thru the lies and truth, no matter what you do right or wrong, isnt that a true friend ? Can your best friend be your soul mate, and not be a love interest ? why do we wish upon a star ? a star being of a gas that eventually dies. why is it when you stare at your reflection you dont see what other people see? why is it that we say we just want to be alone, but really want someone to hold us? why is it, you dont cry till someone asks you what is wrong ? why can you only talk to certain people and not others ? how come we are afraid of being ourselves in public? but at home can act like a monkey ? we defend our thoughts, our reasons, our opinions, but yet never defend who we are. and intstead hide who we truly are, so people respect and or like us ? why is it there are so many more unanswered questions that answered ones? why do we question ourselves more, and not others? how is that, we set expectations and rules and boundaries, yet never live by them? If rules are meant to be broken, and guidelines meant to be bended, what is not to be broken and not to be bended? How come the one you love says they will give you everything, but never truly give themselves? and when you ask for it, they cant give it ? how come my heart can still feel so empty and alone and hurt and feel so much sorrow, even tho i havent been thru any pain lately ? why does it still feel like someone just pulled my heart out ? am i still grieving from my fathers death ? do i grieve for grieving ? do i feel empty because i have no companion? it is because i have such high standards and no one fits ? how come we say never judge a book by its cover, but do ? and the ones we dont, we read, we embellish in, yet never love? how come its easy to do the wrong thing, and harder to do the right thing ? are we searching for just a soul mate, a lover, a true love, a best friend, a companion, a hero ? or are we searching for someone that combines all of that into their being ? or is it, we find only one of each, and have to figure out which one means most or one you need most ?

love and resentment can be felt together at one time alone and crowded can be felt together at one time happy and unloved can be felt together at one time not all things make sense sometimes the pain is unbearable understanding what is going on is almost impossible sometimes hurt comes from where you least expect it sometimes love comes from unordinary places Just because the North star shines alone doesnt mean its not loved a mist the storm comes a new strength uncharted territory means braveness the ones closest to you dont judge you never say i told you so, never say ur wrong they are just there to listen just because your not her shinning star doesnt mean your not someone elses shinning star doesnt mean no one else cares and loves you one moment the sun will shine thru her windows she will see she missed that sunny day wondering what she can do to get it back. but no matter what she thinks you shouldnt let it hurt you because shes only one person of many who do care, who do see the sun in their windows. and at that moment she will understand love and resentment can be felt together at one time alone and crowded can be felt together at one time happy and unloved can be felt together at one time and then she will know what pain she gave you. and only then one person will truly understand your pain but till then im that hug u need that ear that will listen that friend who doesnt say anything because ur my north star ur the sun that shines thru my window and for all that i think its worth losing one person to gain another or even more not always is family thicker than friends not all friends are thick as family remember this happiness is a journey not a destination alfredd dsouzaa" not always is that journey a short, steady and even path sometimes its rocky beaten and bumpy. you may get lost along the way, but with your heart will guide you in the right place. so this is for you my dear friend my dear bunny Love ya sweetie.. No matter what anyone says , even god, your always my sunshine . And i would care if you would disappear.

Changes Everyday Some Minor Some Major Incredible to Deal with Or Irrestiblely Smooth At Times so Unwillingly To Accept the Change But Perhaps You Have no Choice Unbearable as it Seems The Next Day Unfolds And the Changes Have Happened Accepting or Not What Doesnt Kill You Makes You Stronger If it Doesnt Affect You Do You Change at all

I look into the clouds, take a deep breath of fresh air And I think, Wow I feel at peace Then it hink i wish I had someone to share this with I watch the sunset, radiant with color Everyday so different, so unique Just like the thoughts in my head From one to the next, minute to minute I lay in the grass gazing at the stars Shinning so perfectly, twinkling just enough Just like my thoughts provoking me to think what I think To making me so unsure of what it is I think, I think Feelings go thru me as fast as a falling star thru the sky Sunrise is here, as brilliant as the suset was Different in so many ways yet the same in other

so many feelings bottled-up inside thrown out to sea drifting away hoping for someone to open it, to understand me my mouth sewn shut unable to speak maybe someone will find it and see to feel what i feel and see what i think . unbareable at times, with no one to share i gaze out the window into the sky looking at nothing thru the clouds i stare asking ... why me why ? wanting to pull the mask off, to see my face bare so afraid to say how i feel, so i just lie . i know lies do me or the ones i love no justice i think bare it and grin, just say what you feel when i open my mouth, nothing comes out i think to myself i had a great spiel if my voice could just speak to the ones i love they'd know im in pain and that i need love . if only someone could open my bottle up to read my heart, my true emotions then they could feel what i feel they could see what i think who that person is, i dont know i wont know until they try to open me up, inside