Kitten's blog: "This shit is too crazy to be true"

Well, theres no one in the world that knows me better than my girl Danielle that i grew up with. We're closer than anyone could be, Lovers couldnt get this close, Shes honestly my other half. Her fiance was killed recently and her adopted child was snatched from her by the original mother for his insurance money. Looks like shes finaly gonna be a mommy again, its not for sure yet, but we're both pretty certain. She asked me to be a second mommy today, to complete her family. I'm so happy, I can't wait and i hope its a girl like haven was. I have everyone I love around me, it finaly feels like things are coming together. This year started out horrible, I've lost alot of my friends and family to death and started to rethink my phylosophy on everything bad that happens, just leads to something better. But I'm starting to not worry anymore. I cant wait to give this baby all my love and it will also save danielle from drinking herself to death. I cant replace the man she loved, and I have the one I love. This wont be that kinda relationship, but its true no one can come close to what we have, and Now i'll get to play the roll of a mommy and show someone unconditional love and protection that I miss from my mom, The pain is still breath catching but maybe I can get back some of those feelings. I just havnt decided if this will require me getting that other nurve medication even more, or maybe keep me from having to get on it at all. Either way I'm happy, I'm so happy i could cry. you would think i was the one having it by the way im acting. I LOVE YOU DANIELLE MORE THAN THE WORLD! You, Brandy, Bry, David, Mike, and well almost everyone, is my whole being for living.

Yup i finaly got a seasonal job at EB games, and a job at an express Lube doing car maintance and working the desk. The lube place i really like is two hours away so i gota stay with friends in marietta to get there on time, and not even sure if im gonna keep both of them we'll see how the panic attacks let me handle it. But im finaly making making money, and kicked Nikki out the house for stealing so no more roommate and trying to find an apartment near dunwoody or sumthing, I dunno. Just got back from AWA, it rocked, had the whole rave following us. syncrinized raving is an odd thing to see lol. and even odder to conduct. but so awsome! So ya, working now, and trying to figure out if i want to hit up neko con in virginia in november or janicon in jacksonvill florida in november. I guess which ever rave greg ayers is hosting is the one i hit up. And i still got a buncha rave and crazy videos and pics to upload. Maybe sometime hehehe

Well right now im sitting waiting for the phone call that will tell me one of my very best friends i grew up with since day one, and someone i hold dear to me as more than a sister has passed away tonight. Its been about a month and a half since mom passed and i've pretty much taken on the role of cook/maid around the house since i have time now. Currently lookin for a job, cant get anything, and the bills are stacking higher. I tend to have breakdowns alot periodicly due to the pts (post tramatic stress disorder) that i was diagnosed with two years into caring for mom. I've gotten pretty good at convincing myself she hasnt actualy passed and just isnt around anymore, people cope a lil differently i spose. I've recently become very self destructive, phsycotic with pulling hair out and trying to knock myself out and often cant tell when one of those episodes will hit so not trusted alone a good amount of the time. I split from my relationship the day after moms funeral (not by choice) and been trying to find a way to find my way back to sanity and happyness lately. The hunt isnt going the greatest with recent events, But life is mostly good with great people around me if you dont count the emotional state i stay in and the thoughts that constantly dwell in my mind. But thats my update...

Its the day after the funeral, and we got food and flowers everywhere. Dads already pretty much got the mountaineer sold, so i gota rent something to take to MTAC in april. But anyways, The wake was really nice, they made mom look like just like right before she got sick. My dad wouldnt let me drive myself, and a good thing cause i refused to get out the truck when we got there for the viewing. I turned into one of those kids you see in walmart thats unruley and kicking and screaming and crying on the ground just about. But they got me in after a time and I got it all outta my system and saw mom, the flowers and she looked amazing. But anyways, the Funeral was the next day (yesterday, friday). Elly came home from Switzerland for the funeral and i got to spend time with her last night with Kathrin and Tariana. Her and John went to the Funeral, and john helped carry the casket, he was supportive and i know he loved mom more than anything. But I put her lei (flowers) she got from Hawaii (the second time she went right before she got sick) in the casket with her, and two pictures in there with her, lots of people put things in with her, mostly things that had to do with hawaii though lol. And i had a hard time getting through the service but we made it and shes resting in our family cemetary now. But today i get to go see and hang out with my favoritest people in the world Bry and Elly and they'll make me feel better but for now i hate the site of this house and it gets worse by the day, And i hate the fact i was forced to sit down at the table next to moms room and eat breakfast, and i cant get through my meal without crying the whole time, and dads sitting there just watching tv, and can hear me clear as day. . . .Just let me eat in my room and do my greiving out of everyones earshot if they're gonna turn their head anyway. But im going back to bed now, im gonna take something and maybe sleep the whole day today

Mom died last night at 11:30pm. My grandmother and sister stayed up there with her till she died last night. We knew it was gonna happen and she struggled to get about three breaths in then stoped breathing at all for about half a minute, that went on all day. I watched it for about an hour yesterday, and everytime she would stop breathing my stomach knotted up, eventualy it made me sick and i had to spend the rest of the time i was there in the bathroom of her room throwing up. But I got a call from my sis saying what happened last night, it woke me up, and i think its weird or maybe cause i had been crying about it all day before she actualy died, but the news hasnt made me cry yet, and i just went back to bed, but now i cant sleep heh. . . . I am very angry now though, im not gonna try to punch the wall again though, it may be sheetrock but im still a tiny lil girl that couldnt punch through paper lol. Plus dads already looking to put the house up for sale and move somewhere farther away...that means taking down everything that was put up, but mom decorated everything and she was fucking amazing when it come to that kinda thing. But who woulda guessed when you looked at her she was the same one who decorated the house, and let all my underage hung over friends come over to sleep it off before going home, who also left me her brass knucks in her will, or who cooked for us everynight, or packed John Barrington a lunch for two years durring highschool cause i went out with him, or just packed candy everyday for everyone i knew lol. But i gotta let it go, But to all my friends you are great, even some im having it out with at the moment, we dont get along, but you let me know your there for me anytime i need and that means more to me than anything. I just dont know how to act, i mean whats right, to cry all day about it, or not at all, i hate to cry infront of anyone, specialy since it makes my face all puffy lol But all i can say is...that none of this was ever supposed to happen, I look back on pics i found from like five years ago and wonder if the cancer was there at that time, she was so heathy and happy then. Well, she was only sick in the head lol like, only she would pour a drink over my head cause i dared her she wouldnt cause it would ruin the carpet....she still did it, but i could go on forever so i'll stop. Life may have felt empty since she got sick, but its gonna be a hundred times worse now, i've dedicated my life to taking care of her for the last 4 years, i dunno what to do with myself, i'll figure something out...Thanks for the support guys, I love yall

Im going to pick my moms funeral clothes out today, she just wont wake up anymore and my family is super super mad that i havnt gone to see her this week since she went down hill. Soooo to be honest i cant stop crying no matter how hard i try, even though i've seen it coming for 4 years, and its almost ended more times than i can count but this time is real and i gota call people and let them know. So im alone at home with nothing to do but cry. And they said to get a pic so when they fix her up she'll look like she used to but i dont wanna. I dont wanna see mom there i'd rather her look like the cancer patient that i been taken care of for the last 4 years, not my mom that babied me and let me do anything i want. But it took being in a hotel room alone all day to make me finaly start thinking about it. Which is funny cause i thought it would be a short escape away from this mess at home, but all i did all day long was cry, forced myself to sleep, but it only lasted two hours then cried for the rest of the night until it was time to come home. But very soon i get to meet with my friend about finaly working. I need it so bad, I dun even wanna think about how much the funeral is about to cost us, since in order to get on medicade we had to cash in my mom and dads life insurance policies, then they droped us anyway a few months later. I just dunno

Happy V day everyone. This morning is really wierd. Started off with my sis trying to walk mom to the bathroom and her head and i guess body going out on the trip to it. We finaly got her to it (her legs wouldnt straiten and she was just dead weight) But then she wouldnt go to the bathroom, or stay sitting up or respond to us talkin to her. So we by the grace of god picked her up on either side and carried her back to her bed, where she lay but still cant streatch her legs out or do anything simple like trying to talk. Anyways we've called the nurse to come see her, cause the small bedside toilet we got her, we finaly got her to try to use it, but she cant, took everything to get her to it, but her bodys just not working. So I hope they put her back in the hospic unit again to get her fixed up or something cause my sis works tomorrow and i cant pick her up. Plus i got all dads bank stuff done today that needed to be done (which i actualy got the call to get the bank statements from the bank to get mom back on medicade) So nurse just arrived and i gota get this stuff done before she leaves. And my friend will have work for me soon clearing out forclosed homes....And im working with dad since i couldnt today, this weekend to build a building for Cowen Heating and air since my dads still in bad shape. buuuuut Till then. bye guys

Me and my friend got two houses to actualy clean out for forclosures i didnt think it would actualy happen now i just gota find time to do it and someone to watch mom while im doing it. It should be very intresting butttt anyways ya, my computers completely wiped and gota re-do everything on it so im not gonna be able to rate/comment like normal till we get the new windows system in this is just temp and the explorer fails alot sooo anyways thats it, at home with mom today and all that good stuff trying to fix the computer

Well no sleep...errr a lil sleep ummm, moms got more blood getting in her lungs now. The right one is still full of fluid...Moms back, worse like i already said...Very busy taking care of her. Monday i coulda gone in for a job at a pharmacy store...but mom came home that day and i missed my chance to meet who i needed but thats a good thing, i dont have time for lunch now adays ....specialy not a job. soo yeah, dads still kinda weak, a lil sick gota take care of him, hes getting better and i think thats all

Mom is back from the hospital today, things were pretty bad before she went in. in the three hours shes been home i've noticed she has come back home worse and my sis is sleepin cause she got off work and dad is still so sick he can bearly leave his room. Gotta install some countertops for him tomorrow since he promised to be back to work and cant by today. I'm tired of trying to walk her back and forth to the bathroom she dont understand me when i tell her to bang on the counter to let me know when she gets done so i can get her up or ring her bell when she needs to get around. Shes very delusional and is thinking people are around that arnt or people are talking when no ones around. Thats one of the hardest things to do, convince someone that no one said anything to someone that beleives someone really had even though no ones with her. bah im tired and moody. So since our dryer completely quit working and my dads to weak to pick his electric screw up im gonna go and put a clothes line up.