ladydeath3311981's blog: "The many laughs to come."

DON'T LEAVE YOUR HUSBAND ALONE WHILE SHOPPING AT WALMART !!!! Why men shouldn't be forced to go shopping with their wives!! Dear Mrs. Blum, Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. John Blum, has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Also, three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Blum have been compiled and are listed below... MEMO Re: Mr. John Blum - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. John Blum has done while his spouse is shopping: 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking. 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms. 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares ..... and watched what happened. 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's in layaway. 6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'd bring pillows from the bedding department. 8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" 9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera, used it as a mirror, and picked his nose. 10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knew where the antidepressants were. 11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme. 12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels. 13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!" 14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!" (And; last, but not least!) 15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."

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This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little: Once upon a time ~~~~~~~~ in a land far away, ~~~~~~~~ a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess ~~~~~~~~ happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. ~~~~~~~~ The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: " Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. ~~~~~~~~ One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am ~~~~~~~~ and then, my sweet, we can marry ~~~~~~~~ and set up housekeeping in your castle ~~~~~~~~ with my mother, ~~~~~~~~ where you can prepare my meals, ~~~~~~~~ clean my clothes, bear my children, ~~~~~~~~ and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. " ~~~~~~~~ That night, ~~~~~~~~ as the princess dined sumptuously ~~~~~~~~ on lightly sauteed frog legs ~~~~~~~~ seasoned in a white wine ~~~~~~~ and onion cream sauce, ~~~~~~~~ she chuckled and thought to herself: ~~~~~~~~ I don't freakin think so.

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it." "You're wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing. ************************************************** A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" ; "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out." ************************************************** Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is her husband. ************************************************** ************************************** ************ Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay." ************************************************** A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't kn ow how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

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When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits

Jeff Foxworthy on Ohio >> >> All I have to say is "Go Bucks!" >> >> You might be from Ohio (pronounced O-hi-uh), if: >> You think all Pro football teams are supposed to wear >>orange! >> You know all the 4 seasons: winter, still winter, almost >>winter and construction. >> You live less than 30 miles from some college or university. >> You know what a buckeye really is, and have a recipe for >>candied ones. >> "Toward the lake" means "north" and "toward the river" means >>"south." >> You know if other Ohioans are from southern or northern Ohio >>as soon as they open their mouths. >> You can spell words like Cuyahoga, Olentangy, Bellefontaine, >>Tuscarawas, Wapakoneta and you know which letter is doubled in >>Cincinnati ! >> "Vacation! " means spending a day at Cedar Point in the >>summer and deer hunting in the fall. >> You measure distance in minutes. >> Your school classes were cancelled because of cold. >> Your school classes were cancelled because of heat. >> You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day. >> You know what should be knee-high by the Fourth of July. >> You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. For >>example: "Where's my coat at?" >> >> You install security lights on your house and garage and leave >>both unlocked. >> You think of the major four food groups as corn, pork, beer, >>and Jell-O salad with marshmallows. >> You carry jumper cables in your car. >> You know what 'pop' is. >> You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a >>snowsuit. >> Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are >>filled with snow. (Amen!) >> You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel >>nightgown. >> The local paper covers national and international headlines >>on one page but requires six pages for sports. >> You know which leaves make good toilet paper. >> >> If you actually get these jokes -- then forward 'em to your >>OHIO friends!

There are witches in my mailbox. What am I to do? I found them there this morning, doing things they shouldn't do!! How the witches got there, I haven't got a clue. But they won't be there much longer because I'm sending them to YOU!!!!!! You've been Witch Kissed! Before the warts begin to spread, pass the kisses on instead!

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