Scooter Trash's blog: "Test drive"

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."

Body: A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" "He said you're going to die," she replied.

This made me cry when I read it. I thought I would share it with all of my wonderful friends. The One Flaw In Women.... Body: Women have strengths that amaze men. They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy, and laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up to injustice. They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They go without so their family can have. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart. Women come in all shapes, sizes and colours. They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning. They bring joy, hope and love. They have compassion and ideas. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have vital things to say and everything to give. HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

>>>>>When everybody on Earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God >>>>>appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines -- one line for >>>the >>>>>men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for >>>the >>>>>men >>>> >>>>>who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to >>>>>St.Peter." >>>>> >>>>>Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line >>>of >>>>>men >>>> >>>>>who were dominated by their wives >>>>>was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of >>>their >>>>>household, there was only one man. >>>>> >>>>>God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to >>>be >>>>>the head of your household! You have been disobedient and not >>>fulfilled >>>>>your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him." >>>>> >>>>>God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in >>>this >>>>>line?" >>>>> >>>>>The man replied, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here." >>>>>

WOMAN'S POEM Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?" I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend. ------------------------------------- MAN'S POEM I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

> George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed > when his wife > told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which > she could > see from the bedroom window. > > George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw > that there > were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, > who asked > "Are any of those people in your house" and he said no. Then > they said > that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply stay in > his house, > lock his doors and an officer would be along when available. > George said, > "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. > > "Hello I just called you few seconds ago Because there were > people in my > shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've > just shot > them all". Then he hung up. > > Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, > and an > ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence! . Of course, > the police > caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to > George: > > "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" > > George! Said, " I thought you said there was nobody > available!" > > (True Story) I LOVE IT

>> Why athletes don't have real jobs >> >> In honor of the opening of NFL season, I offer these gems: >> >> 1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' > >> all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to > >> copulate me." >> >> 2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming >> season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes >> first." >> >> 3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my >> own mother to win the Super Bowl", Matt Millen of the Raiders >> said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too." >> >> 4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John >> Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." >> >> 5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, >> 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy > >> like Norman Einstein" >> >> 6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm >> going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." >> >> 7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up >> alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, >> and then line up in a circle." >> >> 8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would >> anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three >> years, not Princeton." >> >> 9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps >> a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget >> how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes." >> >> 10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime >> of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock >> in the morning regardless of what time it is." >> >> 11. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining >> to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at >> practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going > >> to be an uncle or an aunt." >> >> 12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told >> him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, >> 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'" >> >> 13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he >> told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like >> you're spending too much time on one subject." >> >> 14. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by >> Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips >> responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good- bye."

7 reasons not to mess with children. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him". A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl: replied, "They will in a minute." A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill." One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?" The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead." A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty." The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

Blood was all over as she walked through the door Blood on the table, the walls and the floor Looking around, she thought "What the hell?" Not looking below her, she tripped and she fell Pushing herself up, she looked down at her hands They were covered in the flesh and the blood of her man Her breathing becomes labored as her head starts to swim Then she slowly turns around....."Oh my God, it is him!" His face was disfigured with a gun on the floor He finally had done what he promised before Pounding his chest, she screams in his ear..... "You fucking coward, how could you leave me here?" Sitting straight up from a blood curtled scream He's laying beside her......It was only a dream

Looking out my front window, I could see the sky is trying to snow. I wonder how you are since you left that day, I just wanted you to know what I had to say. When you said you loved me, I thought it was true. You talked of forever like it was me and you. How could you do that to a woman in love? Wasn't the passion we shared from heaven above? When we kissed I could feel my body heat rise, and the urgent need to feel you inside. I can still feel your touch, so strong and yet gentle. I need you with me. I wish it were that easy, that simple. Come back to me where love first began, I will love you and cherish you time and again. Giving you all that your heart desires, keeping the sparks and passion afire. Come back to me I ask you once more, come back to love the way it was once before.