Energy of the human mind is a wiley fucking bitch…. I have some views of some very fucking basics that I feel can't be denied because of simple goddamned existence. People have highs and people have lows, different people maintain on different levels. If you follow the normal standards of life and do your shit the way you do, and always are on a slope and in a rut, maybe the shrinks have a fucking point about some meds to help the process. This is how it was for me when I tried to follow the fucking rules people said to follow. I worked for my cash, paid my way for education, didn't apply for welfare, even worked two jobs and full-time several times… I was trying the Christian shit out at the time, and was going to church and studies three times a week, lived with Christians, didn't smoke or drink, and followed the entertainment rules with discretionary practices, I even put effort into personal prayer and study, and contemplated life and shit, but I was depressed as fuck. I cried for help with false suicide attempts four different times, wound up at the hospital, and lived in fear of separating from the cocksuckers because of eternal salvation and “fellowship” rules of faith. I was unable to admit the shit that what I was doing was just not the right way, and was in a very severe goddamned rut. The psychotic episode came and I was asked to leave. All the effort of attendance denied and they were all the narcissistic bastard sycophantic fucks who all their former compliments and invitations of me to hang out with them were false ploys as some type of charitable feel bad circumstance for a homeless person.
I veiled my depression and sadness with an empty smile and typical what's up and how's it going standard statements without any feeling in them at all, there was no connection of friendship to top off the empty and false promises of having faith in salvation and going to church and socializing and “befriending” the parasites up until the event of my termination of attendance.
I was maintaining on very minimal poverty levels, trying to focus on normalcy, watching basic tv channels and catching news, ufc, adult swim, comedy central, madtv, just the standard that I could deal with as normal. But I never felt it and felt psycho as fuck. I'm still recuperating about this. This was before iPhones hit; when tracphone was still a thing. This was before social media to have connections otherwise. Before android and netbooks, before google got big and before Amazon hit. Back when DVDs were the newest phenomenon and Xbox just came out. Windows was still at ME and 2000, and myspace was still active, and during the time they updated the standard TV antenna.
Needless to say I wasn't in a good spot. I was fucked. I really had some psychotic attachment dysfunctions about this view of eternal life, the way Christians always said it fucking was. John 3:16 was the trend, god so loved the world he gave his only son, etc… you're supposed to repent get baptized and witness the word, fucking represent. But I had been terminated from affiliation, and people could care less if I burned in hell, and didn't see me as an impact in functional ministry, and could see I was going psychotic and a third fucking wheel at every social event.. Severely fucking betrayed by the cocksucker posers. After being away for the last twelve years from the Christian parasites, I'm hella more stable now to even be able to reveal these interpersonal focuses with this level of confidence that I was very introverted and timid about before, and not so nearly positive in introspection.
But back to the fucking point, mental and emotional chemistry has its place. They're never magic pills that solve all the problems, they're an aid to the process. I've focused on nutritional stabilization and brain chemistry, and have focused on this faith crisis of mine about how to even believe anything what I truly fucking believe. It's a collaboration of events that have transpired to this point. And if I can fucking help it, I want to help someone who might be at the worst, in similar conditions wondering why the fuck these stories of changes for other people work, and why they burn in hell, and are left in the dust. A sad story of earth is that the universe really doesn't gift a fuck and good people get fucked over when they don't deserve it. It's just life.
