ScarlettMoon's blog: "stuff"

Ok... It's been way too long since I bitched in a blog so heres my latest whine..... Doctors! They suck! I've been really sick with some mystery ailment for sometime. headaches massive fatigue dizzy ... bad enough that I missed 2 months of work and genrally feel like death on a stick so what do I do? Why, go to the doctor of course, because these highly trained medical professionals will surely know what the issue is and fix me right up, right? WRONG!!!!!!!! So I finally get a doc to see me, nice lady an all but then it all starts. She writes me a bunch of perscriptions and says " And I want you to take this stuff for your allergies" Huh? I dont HAVE allergies! I tell her this and she says yes you do. Uh, no ...... I don't. Last time I checked one with allergies either wheezes sneezes coughs and is usually generally misrable. Ok so I'm misrable without the other symptoms..... but ok I'll take the stupid allergy meds ( haven't done SHIT for me. Why? Because I don't bloody well HAVE allergies!!!!) Fair enough, she ordered a bunch of tests for me. Also offhandly remarks. Hmmmmm..... maybe you have a brain tumor....... BRAIN TUMOR!!!!! WTF???? Who the hell tells someone MAYBE you have a brain tumor before having a godamn MRI done? Lady, ya better now give me something for stress as ya sure as hell scared the crap outta me! On the bright side they sent my hubby home from deployment as well looking as I'm dying from a brain tumor IS a excellent excuse to come home after much arguing with the godamn navy. ( I may be sick but fuck if I can't still argue hehe) Sooooooo after much freaking out I have MRI. No brain tumor. Moving on...... Then she says. hmmmm Maybe its your heart. Here wear this heart monitor for a week. My heart!!!! WTF is wrong with my heart?????? It's a fucking HEADACHE! ( inducing more panic thereby needing more meds to calm me down because she is scaring me) So I wear this fucking heart monitor for a week. is anything wrong with my heart? NOOOOOOOOO! Why? Because its my FUCKING head that hurts! Next up... She looks at my head. Yay! finally! In the right direction! Finds these funky bumps on my head and says hmmmmm maybe it's a brain tumor. No way lady..... we already did that route remember????? So she sends me to a dematologist to look at my head bumps. Makes sense. I'm happy with this plan as it causes no stress thereby negating my need for stress related meds. Ok now here's where the conspiracy kicks in. ( not that I'm paranoid at this point) So I see the dematologist. He pokes at my head bumps and says to me......... (wait for it) head bumps...... hmmmmmmm Maybe its colon cancer. WTF???????? colon cancer???? from bumps on my head???? WTF???? How the HELL do you look at my HEAD and decide something is wrong with the other end? WTF WTF WTF!! He sends this to my doctor who of course then schedules me for a colonoscopy. Oh fun! I highly recommend it for everyone its good times! ( and more meds for my stress now that they say I may have a type of colon cancer that would kill me in like 6 months) So...... I go get the damn colonoscopy after spending a day drinking like 3 gallons of water and this nasty stuff that purges your entire system. ( yes I learned soft toliet paper and a good book is your friend because guess where YOU are spending your night!) So I go and see the ass masters ( they give really good drugs thats the consolation prize) And I get back their results. No colon cancer. Why? BECAUSE I HAVE A FUCKING HEADACHE IS WHY! Not a ass ache! Well to make a long story short ( and yes this is the short version) I've so far had..... MRI MRI with dye Cysts removed from my head Colonoscopy blood work ear nose an throat specialist poke at me inner ear tests eye specialist look at me eye tests out the wazoo and this week I'm lined up for another fun visit with my regular doc and a sleep study test. Where does this all leave me? What is the out come? What exactly is wrong with me? THEY DUNNO! These highly trained professionals haven't a damn clue. They have however sent me plenty of bills so I can PAY for them not having a clue. And I still feel like shit. Now I'm just broke and feel like shit. Screw this, I'm gonna go see a witch doctor. I'd write more and bitch but it's time to take my meds that don't work. Fucking Doctors.

Ok so I posted a ad on craigslist looking to barter computer repair for having my lawn mowed... simple enough one would think Right? Nah...... the trolls just HAD to come out of the woodwork. So I of course wishes to show my appreciation for their kind emails and posted accordingly on craiglist again. The following is my post in response to the absolutely brillance of a few complete idiots. Enjoy. Rant Some people didnt take their meds today! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ok here's my bitch du jour. I posted on the barter section looking for someone to mow my lawn and trim some hedges as my hubby is deployed and the bloody mower died. While I did get some legit replies.. I wanted to share and send a shout out to the parade of idiots who must have not taken their meds as cruising the BARTER section for chicks on a friday night is just plain pathetic...... so here goes... To jason at Jason who said Hey, saw your ad on craigslist. I can mow ur lawn for you.. if u want to trade some action since ur hubby is deployed I shall pass on your kind offer but I have fowarded your email addy to all the gay message boards I could find as well you seem pretty desperate that your looking for a hook up in the barter section. Please re read my ad as it clearly states MOW lawn not MUNCH. Hope you have better luck with the gay dudes. Dont worry I made you sound really cute....... and willing. Then there was mark....... at mark smith who had a oh so kind offering of.......i will do it for a nice massage. Uhhhhhhhhh lemme think...... NOPE! But hey Jason seems lonely perhaps you two can hook up and trade massages for sex. I'm sure you'll make a cute couple. being you have motorcycle man in your email I'm sure you have some leather in your closet. jason seems like the type. Hope it works out and let us all know here as we care..... really, we do. There was more but those are the 2 winners of the night I applaud you asshats for your sheer genius and amazing abilities to acertain thru my posting that in reality I did NOT need my yard mowed and hedges trimmed, but in fact I was cruising the barter section hoping, nay, PRAYING your mental geniuses would see that in fact what I needed was sex with a troll or a burning desire to massage some sweaty faceless man. Oh yay! THANK YOU ever so much for seeing thru my ruse of lawncare and to the heart of the matter. And for gods sake......TAKE YOUR MEDS YOU MORONS!

Dear stupid kid with the spraypaint..... I woke up, went outside and found overnight your artistic rendering on my mailbox. Not a the large fence, not the house but the frigging mailbox!!!!!! I live in Sandbridge. As I don't really think there is gang activity in Sandbridge this must mean you either drove all the way down here with nothing better to do but spray paint a mailbox..... or one of neighbors has a wanna be baby thug who thinks spray painting a mailbox gives him some sort of street cred. What's worse,I can't even read what the hell you are trying to say as it's all black and scrolly psuedo gang type garbage. So next time kids,please make it legible if you wish to "represent" I'll have it all painted over for ya by tonight. That's right a nice fresh white mailbox just awaiting your next missive. One small request....... if you want to re decorate for me again,I really like "The Scream" and think it would look lovely on my mailbox. I know my neighbors myself and my mailman would appreciate a lil more artistic effort next time. By the way do you do fences? I will leave a posty note on the fence for you with my vision what what I think will work best there. I'm thinking a nice cream color...simple yet elegant, what do you say? Just in case you are just a fustrated artist with no outlet for your art, I shall leave the paint, a roller and a few small brushes out by my fense, should you feel the need to paint it. Thanks again for picking me and my mailbox for your renderings...... we all really enjoyed it! Best Regards, Lady with the way cool wanna be gang symbols on my mailbox in sandbridge. PS One small note. Next time when applying your spray art, you may wish to not hold the nozzle so close as to prevent the unsightly drips that marred your masterpiece. Had you had better skills in your application, I feel this would have given your piece much more depth and character. Thanks again!

Ok this didn't happen to me but damn I can so see this happening..... WAX is Not your Friend This is funny! CAUTION: Be prepared to laugh out loud...I laughed till I almost cried as I could just see this happening! All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!) So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIP! P!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. *hoo-hoo*? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!! I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, I but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point. Next week I'm going to try hair color......Now that's funny ....... Notttttttttt Send this on to other ladies who need a good laugh!

Ok now I really have to wonder if it's just me, that I have a really bad case of weirdo attraction or what. Read and you tell me. So there I am yesterday moring, drinking my coffee mindin my business and there a knock on the door. I go answer it in my oh so attractive just got up look ( messy hair sweats cup of coffee) and there he is the man of my dreams...... Ok, no not really it was the maintenance man there to replace my cracked toliet tank. I say hello let him,the usual polite thing. this guy looks me up an down in my lovely outfit in my LIVING ROOM no less and remarks how hot he thinks I am! ( hot???? dude wtf??? I just got up and your in my living room holding a toliet for fucks sake!) He proceeds to install said toliet, all the while asking me questions making small talk and making it impossible to ignore him, all the while making compliments in my direction, nothing too weird but leaving me with a wtf general feeling. Then........ IT happened. IT! Ok cool the dude is lonely or too friendly or maybe is trying to be nice but what came next is NOT in my book on any list of how to impress women or get a date ( if this was his intention) He stands looks at me adjusts his pants, blissfully covering the awesome plumbers crack he mustered up while installing said new toliet......picks up the toliet seat he had removed, looked at it and says....... " Wow your really pretty and nice, I'm not supposed to do this but what the hell.I'm gonna give you a BRAND NEW TOLIET SEAT TOO!!! (yay me!!!????) WTF? Is this some kinda weirdo maintenance man pick up line? Is this how he scores dates? Am I reduced to my womanly wiles scoring toliet seats? AAACCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK. Do I laugh smile vomit or cringe? ( I said thanks and the promptly fled to the safety of my bedroom) After much dwelling, I decided that this appeals to my sick sense of humor after all. On on bright note, when my other half got home, I did have the extreme enjoyment of informing him that I was indeed so hot I scored us a BRAND NEW TOLIET SEAT YAYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!! The look on his face was priceless. He spent the rest of the evening marvelling at my "Im so hot I score toliet seats hottiness"....like a good man should. Oy.

YAY! Got another box sent to me by my mother. I have since learned to open these with great caution and brace myself because well......see post about my mothers insanity, it explains it. This time in the box was once again a combination of items ranging from useful to WTF????? Contents this time.......... A book to job hunting (uhhhhh not looking for a job! ) One do it yourself gingerbread house kit( what am I martha fuckin stewart?) One pound of jamacian coffee ( thats cool!) One tshirt that is scary beyond all reason ( blue and white stripe with BIG ASS nautical like symbol on it. no I do NOT belong to a yacht club!) Strange stuffed animal ( for the kid I guess) One butt ugly precious moments like picture frame with a meanful like saying framed in it (ew ew ew ew *shudder* ew ew ew ) And the the piece de resistance................ MY 4TH PLACE MATH FAIR RIBBON I WON IN 1980( with a small stuffed penguin tied to it) once again............. wtf?????????

okkkkkkk...... so there I was, driving down the road here in virginia, listening to the radio, and we had a redneck moment that just well........ you be the judge. Song ends, DJ comes on, with a caller on the line and this is what I heard. " Heyyyyyyyyyy darlinnnnnnnnnnnn can you all play sumfing I aint ever hear on here?" DJ- *chuckles* Well like what? DR(dumb redneck) How aaaaaboutss sum maaaayyyyyyyyyydennnnnnnnnnnn (translation for the english speaking world, Iron Maiden) DJ- *chuckles* Ok sure, what song do you want to hear, I can play some Iron Maiden. DR- welllll shoottt honey I dun know nune of them names of them songs........how bous that one about playing with crazy people or soumthin I aint never hear that on here! DJ- * moment of silence then chuckle* Ummmmmm, do you mean "Can I play with madness" by Iron Maiden DR - innit that wut I jest sayid? *cue song* I was amused. and scared. and realized he's probably wearing a maaaaaayydennnnnnnnnnn tshirt stained beyond belief with car grease and drinking some old milwalkee beer out in radio listening land. Wish I knew what town he was from. I do NOT want to visit it *and cue Deliverence theme*

Ok............... so I was doing my morning thing, drinking coffee and reading the news on msn. Flipped over to the local news to see what kind of things people where I now reside are doing. Usually the news here is quite dull but not today!!!!!!!!!!!!! There was this story, about what looked like a nice young man named Darryl Ellis who was shot a year ago and they didn't have any suspects. He didn;t seem like one of those typical crack head ghetto types, just a nice decent man and his family was still looking for justice. From what I gathered, it was a real tragedy. And then it got weird. Ok, so I live in the south now, and granted, they have some different traditions. I respect traditions. That's cool. But this....well...................... The family and friends of the before mentioned Darryl decided........... as a memorial on the anniversary of his death....to remember this poor dude.................... THE DARRYL ELLIS MEMORIAL COOKOUT. Yes you read that right, they honored him by roasting weenies. WTF???????? Is this some kinda fucked up southern tradition? I can see it now, bunch a people standing around a keg eating a dawg and shaking their heads, saying " Poor Darryl thats fucked up how he died." again WTF???????????? MEMORIAL COOKOUT. When I die, I dont want a big to do, and a year later, maybe perhaps think of me and smile but for fuck's sake if any of you fuckers have a WEENIE ROAST in my honor. I swear to god, I will come back and haunt your ass for that! Oh yeah, one other thing they did, was have a candlelight vigil. My best guess is they all let their marshmellows flame up and burn brightly in unison and had a moment of reflection about Darryl while gazing into dripping burning marshmellow fluffiness. Welcome to the south, where they honor your passing by charring dead flesh over open flame, preferably with BBQ sauce. Gotta love it.

Ok, that's it. This place called Williamsburg Virginia is offically weird. I mean off the richter scale WEIRD. And I should know weird. I like to think somewhere in hell when satan looks up weird.......... he sees my smiling face. It isn't as if there's anything WRONG with people here......... it's more....... well.............. ever see that movie The Stepford Wives? It's like that. Everything is perfect, theres no grafitti.........never any litter..........the sun almost always shines. Every car is nice and clean.... it's like this perfect lil place and then there's the people. I go into Wal-Mart.............. WAL MART the very bastion of " I hate my fucking job Im here because I need a paycheck and don't ask me anything because I would like to stick a spork in your eye" Ahhhhhhhh MY Wal-Mart I love you well. However......... there is the FREAK alternate universe of Wally World here. There I am lost in the aisles( as usual) Can't find what I need (as usual) tried using common sense to locate and didnt find it(as usual) so basically everything I know...all is well right? Then IT happened..... Someone in a Wal-Mart vest............SMILED at me........ LOOKED me in the eye....and without my even ASKING it... said to me ,the scariest sentance in the world " HI!!!!!!! Welcome to Wal-Mart...you seem to be looking for something, can I help?" I almost fucking fainted. I looked for the cameras. I looked again thinking " Ok this is some sick joke, and I like sick jokes" But it wasn't.............. she was SERIOUS!!!!!!!!! iiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee and thats when I knew................. I fucking live in a really weird place! This isn't cleveland anymore.......... good old cleveland ohio. Really shitty weather, rusty cars its grey alot and people are rude...I mean RUDE like your lucky you don't have em yell fuck you at you when you go buy smokes at the gas station rude. But you KNOW theyre thinking it and most likely saying "asshole" under their breath at you while you leave. Not that you did anything to rate it mind you..............its just cleveland..only the tough survive, otherwise we eat your children. Somehow this comforts me.. I MISS THE RUDE!!!!! It's the south. they're fucking polite! Neighbors WAVE for christs sake.....and say HELLO! The NEIGHBORS!!!!!!! You know those shadowy figures they live around you in those houses somehwere, I'm sure they have been there for years but fuck if I know or CARE who they are. For the love of god people, someone please PLEASE tell me to GO FUCK MYSELF before my entire belief structure falls apart, I join the stepford community and I actually start to think.........."yanno, maybe pastels wouldnt look too bad on me if it were the right kinda twin set" SEND HELP. Oh yes........ and happy mother's day.