smtx26's blog: "smtx26"

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WOMEN'S REVENGE "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MARRIAGE SEMINAR While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He a nswers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she. (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WIFE VS. HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WORDS A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- CREATION A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. "The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you ! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee ." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .......... "HEBREWS" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM . " He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece .

((Got this from a friend LOL)) A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, gHarry, what is your problem?�? Harry answered, gIfm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and Ifm smarter than she is! I think I should be in third-grade too!�? The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the principalfs office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he has to go back to the first-grade. The teacher had agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: gWhat is 3 x 3?�? Harry: g9 Principal: gWhat is 6 x 6?�? Harry: g36 And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, gI think Harry can go to the third-grade.�? The teacher says to the principal, gLet me ask him some questions!�? The principal and Harry both agree. Teacher: gWhat does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Harry: gLegs.�? Teacher: gWhat is in your pants that you have but I do not have?�? (The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!) Harry: gPockets.�? Teacher: gWhat does a dog do that a man steps into?�? Harry: gPants.�? Teacher: gWhatfs starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?�? (The principalfs eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answerc.) Harry: gCoconut.�? Teacher: gWhat goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?�? Harry: gBubblegum.�? Teacher: gWhat does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and dog do on three legs?�? (The principalfs eyes open really wide againche was looking restlessc) Harry: gShake hands.�? Teacher: gNow I will ask some eWho am If sort of questions, okay?�? Harry: gYup�? Teacher: gYou stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.�? Who am I?? Harry: gA Tent.�? Teacher: gA finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when youfre bored. The best man always has me first.�? What am I?? (The principal was looking restless again and a bit tensec) Harry: gA Wedding Ring.�? Teacher: gI come in many sizes. When Ifm not well, I drip. When you blow me, I feel good.�? What am I?? Harry: gA Nose.�? Teacher: gI have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.�? What am I?? Harry: gAn Arrow.�? Teacher: gWhat word starts with an eFf and ends in eKf that means a lot of excitement?�? Harry: gFiretruck.�? The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, gPut this smart ass in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself.�? ((How many did YOU get right? Or are you just a HUGE perv?!..... like myself. Haha))