So This Paradise
Born Again…is what the Christians call it…saved, reborn, redeemed…is what The New American Roget’s College Thesaurus says…revelation, epiphany…after a years of searching for love through sex…trying to perfect my skills…trying to compensate for the emptiness…trying to find comfort with women… whether it is a year, a month, a week, a day, or a moment…searching for purpose…I have used and I have been used…sex was how I showed love…sex was how I said I love you…it’s what they all wanted…I would stay away from women who liked the “beach muscle”…superficial…I needed the connection…I needed the empathic connection…anybody can just fuck…I had to make a connection that goes beyond the physical…a connection that made me special…something that made her stay…even if it was just for a while…Lord knows I am not gifted in the crotch area…have to make do with what I got…always learning…always trying to get better…reading books…watching porn…trying different things…I found out that not all women are the same…but if I can stimulate her emotions…she will not leave…how long will she stay…before she finds out how messed up I really am…a few people new exactly what I was about…they would tease me…”how many marshmallows’ did she squirt”…”you know you have to get better and better or she’ll leave”…just like my mother…I always thought…don’t get me wrong, nothing happened between her and I…but she was the one who left me…she was the one that abounded me…I used to imagine that she wanted the best for me…that one day she would come back in life…she wanted her baby back…I waited, waited…always looking out the window…would she drive up and take me back…had to grow up with a white raciest adoptive mother…had to grow up with a white brother…had to grow up with a white sister…so I grew up with so much hate…so much anger…and I acted out all my frustrations on people…I beat people bloody…in the Navy, the corpsmen hated me…on every liberty call I would send them more and more people…I would beat them until my anger felt relieved…finally the Navy had enough of me…they sent me back to the only home I new…back to Hawaii…back to them…my family…there was no love with them…no connection…all strangers…always trying to bring people down…always trying to convince themselves that there better…backstabbing raciest sons-of-bitches…I would love to squeeze the life out of all of them…came pretty close with all of them…except my adoptive mother…for some reason I could not touch her…could not even raise my voice to her…so this is paradise…what is hell like…
