ScareGasm aka founder of Whores of Haddo's blog: "Reality...or just diluted fantasy?"

This was the worst Thanksgiving I think ever. Family probs, my brother having relationship probs, a break up, about 7 people missing for dinner who were originally supposed to come, plus no date for Thanksgiving dinner at moms because 2 people stood me up. (Both my OG date that I was dating but dumped and my back-up date which also happened to be an ex!) Ridiculous I say! Have all you humans gone mad?! I also just found out a good friend of mine from WI just found out today that she is 5-6 weeks pregnant. I'm so happy for her. She had weight loss surgery almost 2 years ago and lost 150+ lbs. and she's always wanted a kid. I want a kid really bad, unfortunately I cannot impregnate myself. This makes me sad cause I want nothing to do with any male I know. They're either fucked up in the head big time, are a total loser, trying to currently stalk me, or just aren't grown up and cannot act their age. I spent the past 3 days hanging out with my 15 year old niece Kacey that came up to spend Thanksgiving with the family. She's my brother's only child and she has a beautiful 2 & 1/2 month old little girl named Jacey. My god I love that baby and she loves me too. She always wants to be held and played with and she's so content with me. I have pics I shall add. Alright, I guess that's really all I have to say for now. I'm sleepy and I'm for to bed. No work tomorrow though, yay!

Ok so this week has been horrible yet unlike any other week I've ever had. Friday and Saturday I was sick throwing up and couldn't keep most food I tried to eat down (since having my gastric bypass surgery it's kinda like a trial and error sort of thing.) I broke someone's heart that I did care about, just not in the way that I should have cared for them. I wish I could control my heart and feelings, but if I don't follow my heart how is that going to benefit me in the long run? I still kinda mentally torn up about this whole matter. And finally I spent 3 days this past week with someone I love very much. Someone I go back years with. I really would like to think that they've changed because of how they've been towards me and I truly hope thats the case. We're going to see our fave band Type O Negative in May and it's gonna be awesome. I know that they really like me because they told me they did. I'm just waiting for them to appropriately tell me we're "an item". Granted, with the physical and romantic gestures they've shown me I'd like to think that we are. I think they're just scared and got a lot of shit going on in their head. I think I need to give fate more credit for the turn of events that happened with us. That's all I really have left to say. Goodnight all. It's 4AM and I'm sleepy and got a toothache.

Someome showed up at my door at 11:30pm last night. My heart did drop to my feet cause I never expected to see them. We talked about life and listened to music all night and it was just like old times. They just left about an hour ago. It was great, just seemed to great. I fear I should be wary of fishiness in the air....I dunno. That is all. :-s

Shit's been crazy personally and in the family over the past month I swear. Two weeks ago I just found out that my 14 year old niece is 2 months pregnant. I feel bad for her cause she's kinda slow and her mom is a drunk ass (thats why my brother left her sorry self over 10 years ago). She's not mentally prepared for a kid and so I basically told her if she didn't want the kid I'd take it and raise it. My mom just got ot of the hospital for having lung and chest discomfort, but luckily it was not her heart just an acute case of indigestion that hasn't gone away in like 5 days. A co-worker of mine's husband dropped dead of a sudden heart attack last weekend. I felt so bad for her cause she's a great lady and did not deserve this to happen to her. But I guess the most shocking realest thing of all is my own personal news (because it still seems to surreal and is still sinking in!). After 5 months of fighting my insurance company I finally got my approval on February 6th for my gastric bypass surgery. My surgery is on February 29th and I'll be in the hosptial for 4-6 days after surgery. Then I'll be recovering at my mom's place for about 4 weeks cause there's no way I'll be able to get up my 15 apartment steps after being cut open and stapled. Today I'm going to my surgeon to get my before surgery instructions and sign my life away in papers. I just registered for surgery with the hospital about an hour ago. It's so surreal. I'm glad after fighting for so long something finally pays off for me. I'm looking forward to a whole new beginning. I am gonna feel naked though considering all my facial piercings will have to come out and I'll have to get them all repierced again a few months later. But a small sacrifice it is for a big change in my life so I must say I'm quite ecstatic. Laters!

This holiday is going to suck. As a Matter of fact, it's already sucking hardcore. I'm depressed, lonely, and I'm just gonna go back from which I came...bed. And yes, having a cold for the 3rd time in a month really does suck too.

Ok, so I (was) all excited to watch this new paranormal reality based show on A&E. I'm currently now 30 minutes into the show and personally I think it's a bunch of caca. I mean, sure if you've experienced paranormal shit of your own fine and I'm sure you are searching for answers. It would only be natural to feel that way. But I guarantee you atleast half of this group of Penn State college students are younger than myself and trying to say they have had several years of experience within the paranormal field. Not trying to be a wise ass here, but I think this show is yet another bs attempt from a major network to draw a younger range of audience to some amateur wanna be TAPS show. I gotta hand it to them though, great way for some college kids to get some television airtime exposure. lol *rolls eyes* I mean I'm sure its quite easy to get into shows like this, considering back when it was just starting out and became popular I used to watch that "Fox's Scariest Places On Earth" show until I found out that it was severely rigged. But anywho, to each their own! I'm off! :)

One day we'll pass eachother on the street. It will be like we never once did meet. I'll look down and away as tears stream down my face. As I remember all the memories of us that I had forced my mind to erase. Your games were quite caddy. You played me like a fool. I finally got tired of hearing it. All the bullshit that you fed me til I was full. We knew eachother for seven years. Stuck our friendship out through all the liqour and the beers. Until you traded me for some piece of white trash at its finest. Just another idiotic ditz that you wanted to sleep with, to be quite honest. You never played a good victim. Everytime you were hurt you ended up at my door. Like some sick kind of stray dog that always comes back to you. But everytime your confidence was reboosted by me, you went back to the same whore. It's now been eleven months since we've seen eachother or spoken. It's getting easier to look back now and inside I'm trying not to feel so broken. Though at times I do think of you and wonder if you ever do of me in return. But deep down inside I know that if I ever let you back in, it would only be me that you would burn.

Thursday and Friday evening the ex best friend of 7 years cousin tried getting ahold of me. Atleast it was under his cousin's s/n. I actually think it might have been the guy. Never said a thing back to him though, just completely ignored him online and then eventually signed off. Whatever any of them have to say I frankly don't give a shit. I'll never get over the hurt they've caused me by the bullshit lies they've said and etc. You don't play with peoples' hearts like wind-up toys and expect to crawl back to them after not speaking with them for nearly 11 months. Friday night my friend Justin came over with his brothers and 2 friends. It was good to see him cause it had been a few months. My friend Patty was over also and we all just chilled at my place and had a few beers. Then Yesterday (Saturday) I heard from my first love/best friend of 8 years Matt. I was so relieved to hear from him cause it had been 8 months and we talked and I didn't know what had happened to him. I heard all sorts of stuff that he had went to jail and was married and had a kid and yadda yadda. Turns out he recently got out of jail for a misdemeanor charge and he's ok. He's on probation for 3 years which sucks but atleast it wasn't anything worse. He's always had my back and I've always had his and it just made me feel good to know that he was ok. Talk about guys from my past coming out of the woodwork man! Weird shit! Not that it matters a whole lot cause I'm taken but still strange occurances I must say.

I'm in dire need of some GOOD advice. I've been having a personal relationship issue with my boyfriend. Now you have to understand how many times I've been burnt and broken in the past by the opposite sex, even the men that "appeared" to be the sweetest and most faithful. I'm very scared and I'm not having good feelings about the situation. Ok so my significant other has this very annoying, obsessive ex girlfriend. I mean she's seriously not right in the head and she's got major issues. Anyways, she refuses to leave him alone. I confronted her online about it and she basically told me to fuck off that nomatter what I say him and her are going to talk forever and ever. So I find out tonight that her mother calls him (probably at another attempt to get him to take her demented ass back) and this REALLY pisses me off. What makes it worse is that he has not told her to basically fuck off and leave him alone. I confronted him about this once almost a month ago and he told me that he still cares for her but not in a romantic way like he does me. This still gravely concerns me. How can you still care for someone but be "in love" with me? Especially someone so malicious that would do anything to get you back and destroy your current relationship. Now he just got a new phone # on a paid monthly plan but still has his old pre-paid phone, but if I find out that her mother called him on his new # (which would have to mean that he gave it to her) then that's it. I'm at my last straw and don't know what to do. I love him, but it makes me feel like if he loved me like I loved him, there'd be no question about this fiasco and it would have been done long ago. I've even talked about this with my chick friends and they agree that if you're talking to an ex online or over the phone and are saying more to eachother than "hey how are you" there's something wrong. I've tried to hold my tongue about this long enough but I'm sick of it! Oh yea, not to mention a month ago when he yelled at me for verbally trying to put her in her place online. I don't care how nice of a guy you are, you don't let shit like this continue if you know it puts your good current relationship in jeopardy. I shouldn't have to feel like I'm in long distance competition with an 18 year old bi-polar manic depressant chick from another state. (No offense to anyone out there who is Bi-Polar.) You'd think it would even be easier for him to tell her to leave him alone considering how far away they are from eachother compared to him and I. I don't understand....arrrghhh! Alright, done venting. Going to watch more Ghost Hunters and munch on leftovers.

Ok not to sound even more fucked up than I'm sure I already am at times. LOL BUT... I was thinking about horror movies and how they turn me on. (In Particularly Michael Myers and the Halloween series.) So I was thinking, why don't they come out with these hot gorey horror movie based porno flicks? I mean come on! I know I can't be the only chick who is turned on by watching horror flicks. I can just see it now...they can do a parody flick of Halloween Ressurection and call it "Halloween Erection", "Halloween H2Blow", "Halloween: Whores of Haddonfield" and etc. LoL! Hotness I tell you! I always joked around with boyfriends in the past and told them good thing a guy in a Michael Myers outfit never showed up at my door, cause he'd be getting laid! Haha. And who knows...maybe if someone is really into the Friday the 13th flicks or Freddy Kruger and etc. they could make parody flicks of them as well. Ok I'm done discussing my concept. Woo! :)