re sweetbluevixen's blog: "re's ramblings and thoughts"

I woke up in a bed on the beach in a white nightgown I'm doing better today I guess after my talk about the gyno visit to my friend sheryl put it into perspective because this poor girl went thru Cancer twice in her life first time she was 30 years old I was pregnant with Arielle at the time and the way she found out was awful she miscarried and after the miscarriage she went to the doctor and yes she was pregnant what terminated that baby was a tumor the size of a basketball. she had to go thru a total histerectomy and limpnodes with not only left her sterile but diabled for the rest of her life the chemo left her weak and unable to stand or sit for long periods of time her second bout was this past year they found a growth on her heart after 6 months of chemo again this time she will have numbness in her legs for 2 years at least she is only 46 and when I met her 24 years ago she was this beautiful raven haired doe eyed model today she is but a memory of this beauty. Three things kept her strong her will to fight, her man who has stayed strong to her and her son becoming a first time father and her having her first grandchild, a girl. She's the tru fighter and surviver my God bless her for putting me in a better place. The second person My best friend Celine her life until a year ago was something I wanted no part of she was doing crack and selling it, stealing, prostituting for money and drugs, her boyfriend beat her he too was using both crack and steriods she od and ran thru the streets naked and she had epiphany and returned to the church since than both cleaned themselves to the point that she and he has devoted themselves to the church and each other and will be married july 8th she has been praying for me and lead a prayer for my soul to be healed. I can never return to church because there is no true church as much as I believe in God I find the church no matter which denomination have demands I can not abide by or agree too. I am greatful and believe prayer works and in someways lightened the burden I feel waking up to everyday. the third is friends I made on line who have helped so much. I need someone to talk to because my situation limits my chioces. Celine tells me I'm looking in the wrong places to find the love I so want. this maybe true but people are human some have all the best intentions with all they're limitations yes most are superfisal but serve a purpose. That is the same in any medium. I will tell you one thing I can never be happy with a man who spouts the bible and won't be able to enjoy a little secular fun. All in all yes I still have alot going on that brings me alot of pain inside but last night in my dream I was healed and I woke up in a bed on the beach I wore a white nightgown,if some one can intreprate this dream tell me what it meant tell me but all I now I woke up in a better mood than a long time.

I was browing looking for some favorite music to post. I was so innocently looking, when it came to me just to check on something and noticed some thing that should not be there, someone I knew I tried so hard to foget. this person just pop's in my head I feel so confused I wished he was the one but wasn't. I should go on with out another thought. But, there I was looking and focusing on him like a trainwreck. though not in focus and part of the scene I watch not hearing the music I might as well have gone deaf i did not watch the performance I just saw him. It was like being there not able to respond I wanted so much. I walked away from the mess but somehow it draws me in. It's a madness I cannot cure, a sickness where there is no medication.My mind is lost to him. everything else has a small meaning everyone else just a memory. all fuzzy and unclear. but here you are, the memories and details forever crisp in detail and form. every word still echo'd, every lie spoken, everything said kind and cruel, everything I remember The first kiss, the one 20 years later the hope you gave so falsely My willingness to do anything to have you when there was never a chance. I can never show or feel anger to you out of fear of losing you. why do I have great fondness when all you caused was pain. You are such a contridiction your given name is that of an Angel and your nickname is the that of a Demon. Who are you and why do you beckon me? I want to be free but i feel possessed. How did this happen what caused this? Why can't you just go away leave my heart and head forever? Why am I so drawn to this devastation? Why do I kill and leave the bodies? Each one had a future but I ended them. I've killed every chance at love and happiness because of you. I am so obvious in my words, in my eyes. how I lose myself to a land that doen't exist a life so unreal. I seen something in your eyes one night but was what I saw real, how quickly you not looked again when someone noticed. Why do I go back to revisit this place so painfully ugly? Why do I see your beauty but what you did makes you hideous? Seeing you is like, looking at a trainwreck so many bodies left to die, I walk away barely alive full of pain but not feeling a thing, my burned flesh healed over with many scares. I am numbed by horror you caused, I am in shock forever.

nothing really, just some random thoughts I realized something about myself. I really like to flirt sometimes brillantly, sometimes i can be naughty sometimes I fall flat on my face. sometimes all three at the same time. there are times when i flirt I want to take it back. I get scared afraid I'm doing something wrong. especially when I flirt and it goes terribly wrong. I changed alot of stuff in my life. but still somethings remain the same. I got to figure out what I need to do to not repeat the bad things. Somehow the bad things I repeat constantly that frightens me. Am i really that blind sighted or that gullible. I want what every woman wants but I also want fun but on my terms and upfront. one thing i hate is not being honest about what is expected. dam i hated being told one thing and getting the same crap. Now someone asked me what makes a man sexy here's my list when men are honest with themselves when a man interacts with a child and actually acts like a child in play or shows a gentleness to their child no matter how old they are a man not afraid to look foolish in front of his friends to impress the woman he loves a man who doesn't hide a girl even if he knows his friends would not aprove of this girl because of her looks or weight. a man who would stand up for this girl when his friends tell him he could do better. a man who calls just to hear her voice, or comes over unexpectedly just to drop off a token or flowers just to see her smile. even though she looks like a mess and thinks she's beautiful. a man who knows women are truly the stronger sex a man who can laugh at a joke even if it is a joke at they're genders expense a man who can make a date folding clothes and enjoy it because its time he spent with the girl he cares about. a man who really loves what he does for a living, and still finds time to sneak a little time to make love to his girl. a man who thinks a women is sexy when she sleeps in his old tshirt these are a few of the things that make a man sexy it's not his eyes body or the size of his penis or wallet, car he drives time changes those things but time should not change the quality of a man. one thing i get from married men the sex changes over time or it ends they look elsewhere but if they show the same attention they gave when dating maybe the sex they got when it was fresh wouldn't end if they remember how they got her in the first place what made her say "I do" in the first place. I know when my ex husband began to withdraw I did too I didn't find him sexy anymore. please don't withdraw even when she does keep trying to court her all over again make a fool of yourself make her fall in love all over again. even if you fail at the begining keep trying. If she was worth it in the begining and she gave you your children and you love them and want them to be in your life. treat your wife as if she was your girlfriend and lover. look at her every morning like it was the first time you knew she was the one call her in the middle of the day ask her out on a date at the end of the night before you walk in give her the deepest most passionate kiss like the one's you had before the kids and the house and the bills once you go in and go to bed as if nothing was different maybe she will become the lover you had remembered she was or maybe she'd become the lover you always wanted. i know that's what I wanted.

I really suck at relationships I know that. I know what I want and right now it's impossible. I don't have a job and my life is a mess but one thing for sure I enjoy sex. Sex for me is fun now.I don't worry about being pregnant or if i want to wake up with this guy generally I don't but it would be nice. but thats not going to happen any time soon.I still hurt from letting love get in the way. Right now i have a prefered partner but last night was almost a deal buster it was rushed and not too good. I like the freedom that i have a choice of partners but i am not to keen on it. I rather be with one guy. I have other offers but I'm not comfortable with that.I'm not to comfortable with revisiting a old lover either.I have one I would love to revisit but I can't do it reason that "L" word. I have feelings for him that are not returned so it's not happening it would hurt to much. HE was my Muse, a hope dashed, a visible scar. I waited a long long time to have sex after my daughter was born I never dated when she was young. Didn't want to give a bad impression of me. lived like a NUN and married a choirboy so I lived like a nun in marriage. After my divorce though I discovered sex for the first time with someone other than my husband. It was great it was a adventure it was fun and it was for the first time satisfing. that ENDed with a big truth it was just sex. First thing I did was have random sex with anyone that wanted me but it made me sick inside. Sad that i wasted my body on one man and sad I felt that I had to do what he did. I found much younger men to just think if he can I can. Stupid!!! One thing I now know. If I be honest about what I really want I just may find what I really need. One thing I hate is being called sexy. yuk I prefer beautiful or attactive. I have been told that from guys of all ages married single that any man would is lucky to have me as his. It makes me feel great to hear it and I do want that. What I'm given sometimes isn't enough sometimes. To the two men I did feel true love for the first one the love of my life Michael " Pazuzu" Hawkins you should have fought and come for me but you didn't.Chris Fullan you had something very rare and you couldn't see it.Both are foolish to ever let me go. In the end I do think I am a worth while lover and friend and not a random body in the dark.

flattered,cute, funny,but kinda wrong yesterday i got a message on myspace which caught me a bit off guard but i was flattered that it was there. Now i had my share of fakes, horny married men, horny young men in their 20's looking for a Cougar/Milf which is so much a must have so I heard, I've even recently had a guy message me willing to pay me to walk on him with stilettos kinky wooWoo. All of which now I just roll my eyes and delete. this one I thought was kinda sweet in a way i got a 18 yr old boy interested in my profile/me all I could think of 18 yrolds only in one way,as my daughters friends that's it and as my daughter say's boys this age are pretty i don't want to say dumb but I'll just say I see them as little boys still young and not quite ready to be adults, my daughter who's 16 say's they still play hide and seek and capture the flag geez how can a women at my age and a mom at that see a young man like that and not see a little boy. Though when I think about it aren't all men really little boys still wanting to play games and the only thing that changes is the price of the toys sometimes. The one big difference is at least with someone much older over 30 something I can talk to them on a much even playing field. I'm kinda glad I grew up around men I have such a varied knowledge and can play with them i know about cars and boats and sports.I can talk business and money and many topics, my experience is good and have a been there done that attitude,I also have a strong moral code about what i find acceptable behavior and were my comfort zones are and the Idea of being with someone so young I'm just not going to do EVER!!!

Tears I cry today because I am alone. I cry today because I feel cheated. I cry today because no one see's who I really am. I cry today because no one see's my beating heart I cry today because I want to be loved. I cry today because I want more than I have. I cry today because I have no one to hold me and tell me its ok. I cry today because I have so much to give and no one wants it. I cry today because I'm hurting inside. I cry today because I am in need. I cry today because I'm sad. the tears I cry are not for me alone, they are for those who are too blind. The tears are for those who are for those who use and are selfish. The tears are for those who want for the moment and nothing more. The tears are for those who put emotion in a box outside the door. The tears are for those who use me for their pleasure and forget I feel, what i just gave is a gift something so precious to me I do cry tears because I feel cheaped inside, that i feel shame and disgrace. The Tears are the pity I feel for them and the pity I feel for myself. The tears I cry are for forgivness and strength to not to lock up my heart, not to give up hope.

Entry for June 05, 2007 its weird I put myself out there I write about my life, I write about love or the lack of it is out there, sex how random it is what a disappointment it really is and how passion is truly missing, how i get hit on on a daily basis by men young enuff of being my son but how its now in vogue and acceptable. i'm still on the fence on that as many other ideas that i have recently been presented. I guess as progressive I think I am. I'm not on so many levels. My emotions,values and heart play into it. I'm put too much thought into every aspect of how I conduct my life but still I kick my self on the misakes i make or how all the wrong turns that kill most opportunities presented the last two days. Friday it started I slept with a guy I dated for a while and yesterday says he wants to take me to this party i said sure. My first thoughts hey he's going to show me off, stupid no its was a swingers party damn it to top it off a BBW and friends of swingers party shit good god what is wrong with me. that fact this is something i should explore is scary enough but to top it off this guy considers me a BBW kinda hurt I'm not perfect body wise and I think of myself average but curvy. Big definitely not. Two years ago I weighed 265 pounds, sick, miserable and felt totally sexless. I personally thought I was ugly and hated my body, hated me. I hated anyone to touch me sex sucked more I was sad and my ass deserved a zipcode of its own. I lost over a hundred pounds because I began to want to live and love myself and I gave away over $2k of lane bryant clothes not cheap walmart stuff and I threw away my size 24 wedding dress vowing i will never ever let myself go like that that my clothes will never have a "W" in the size meaning "my fat ass" I'm sorry everytime I see a young woman like that how this nice person will never see or have a healthy life. It makes me sick inside and angry sorry, people I can't find anything attractive in big women and I was one I am now dusgusted that I gained 30 pounds since I moved back home I'm trying to lose it because I don't want to die from being obese. I cried and was so emotional today I feel betrayed, used, and ugly. Another thing I got a call from a job I applied for 2 years ago but my current situation kept me from going for it. I am angry at me at everything these past few years have thrown at me how dare this happen now damn I punishing my self for everything I had no control because I feel I did this to myself that it is my fault. I blame everything that has happened I let happen. I feel deminished by this today but tomorrow I will get up and fight for my life again. I am determined not to let my disappointments win. I not going to cower and pull the covers over my head nor will I die sorry lay down and die I'm a fighter and dam you all beautiful just beautiful fuck the big I'm 5ft tall big is not in my description I buy clothes in the petite dept not Womens, plus size or Missy. Fuck that I don't live in a double wide trailer and nor will i need a double wide coffin Kiss My Tight prominent Ass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

for once something has gone my way in reference to my asshole middle brother the jerk made me go to trial for my order of protection application he couldn't accept that he is putting my family in danger by his actions. I could not put up with any more the the felons coming out of my garage in the morning the fear of the police raiding my home with threats of them taking the house away and being on the streets. My mother is so co dependent and allowed it to go on so long but in her current health she proved over and over that she can not make decisions for her self and i had to make a proactive choice and its done. My brother a drug addict and drunk and has abused both since he was in his teens his brain is fried and because of my mother never took responsibility for his actions. he never was a adult in anyway. he's a coward and runs away from any thing that he should be doing like sharing in helping his mother that burden is left to me and my younger brother. we have always supported my mother paid her bills replaced things that broke and needed to be replaced he spent his money on drugs stock cars and his friends. in the winter he would sit in his room and not look for work. last year he sat there and my younger brother worked to jobs and struggled to keep the furnace going and the lights on which most of last winter they did without heat and slept in the living room. the house is now a hell hole because of his lack of caring for anyone but himself. well to get back to my reason for getting a order of protection he literally was putting my daughter in danger of physical mental and health wise i was in danger of her being taken away at no real fault of my own. because of his drug and alcohol use the, felons coming in and out. many thing get missing out of my storage shed the yard is a disaster. the constant police activity was the last straw all his comment was its not his fault its his friends fault but if he wasn't here none of this would happen. well in court he is not only has to refrain from me and my daughter but the judge added more to the order he cannot come home under the influence and he cannot have any of his friends on the property ever for any reason. thank god i brought my younger brother as a witness it helped alot and he corroborated all my charges. i told the truth of his behavior and the consequences his actions. may be this will make him more aware that he has to take responsibility. i know people like him won't and never will. Now the next step is to have my younger brother get power of atty and he will be gone.

the last couple of days have been good as indicated in my previous entry. My daughter started her job this week i wish i found a job it would help but i'm keeping my hopes up. I'm getting the counceling and medicine to help me with my mental health I feel more relaxed and able to deal with my current situation. I feel less hopeless and depressed. I actually believe in hope again. I've really started walking again and want to do it more to lose this baggage i have on my body and soul. I've also had the energy to train my puppy suzie though she's not really a puppy per say she is 3 years old but she is so tiny and so active that she acts like one she needs obedence training and i got her actually fetching and bring back the ball to my feet she just has to learn not get distracted. thats all i'm just trying to post more good news than my usual sorrowful laments.

why are people so afraid to have a relationship? I never understand why i can't find anyone who wants to have a relationship only people that are looking to hook-up, friends with benefits, have descrete affairs with no attachments. I think people are too hurt and damaged in the past and feel that no commitment will shield them from hurt but what about the other person maybe the other person went in for the same reasons but later some how developed feelings in every relationship even the most casual somebody becomes hurt in one way or the other. No matter how many times I have been hurt or used I believe someday someone will love me back. I still have hope. i get so discourged and sometimes feel worthless, never will I be the one. I find it hard to be in love it takes me a very long time to get to that feeling, but I start to really like someone it ends and my heart sinks into self doubt. I get alot of offers for sex but thats all.On the rare occation i will get a real date and the guy waits its usually no attaction on my part or its a big disappointment. How can men and women today be so jaded so disconnected that they not opening they're hearts to the possibility of love. Is it economics, are we becoming so selfish, todays children are given such poor examples for parents, part time moms and dads, children who don't know they're daddy's, as much as we love our children they have no idea what commitment is with another person. I know I am guilty of that myself I had my child out of wedlock but I was 32 I was alone and feared no one would ever want me except for a one night stand. I see her as my miracle. I shut down for 6 years devoted my self to be the best mother possible with out any regard for my self worth. considered my self ugly and damaged goods not worthy of being loved. Than I married the first fool that would have me believing eventually fall in love with him it didn't happen just made me sick inside and out. I lived 6 years without sex before my marriage and after 2 years I lived the last 3 years without it again I shut down. realized I still loved someone else someone I walked away from many years before because he didn't love me. That didn't stop me of daydreaming about him. Sad fact that I didn't really want to really see him it was a fantasy. So I stupidlly regained my sexuality with a old friend I had no intention of loving him it was about the sex but after 3 yrs I did and I was deeply hurt. to mask this hurt I began many liasons empty ones why, I gave up inside. After awhile I don't want that. Oh by the way sex can be the begining of a relationship and yes it can grow beyond just sex . Isn't that what brings two people together in the first place. I want that. I want to give it a chance, I want to take the chance again with the risks. The possiblity of getting hurt again, hey people thats what makes us stronger thats being human. All I see now are a bunch of robots devoid of real emotion. Its a sad state. I hate being called sexy. I find it demeaning. I want to seen as beautiful,lovely and me, someone who can offer alot of love, understanding, and compassion. I still believe in passion and romance. I really want to know if there are anyone real out there. I want to hear from people who still has the hope that I have. ARE people out there who want the passion and romance and to love realisticlly and not in the fantasy sense but really with all the warts, frailities and pain that goes with it.