DreamWolf Way of the Wolf Pagan Study Gr...'s blog: "Rantings of one of the crazy people...."

You gave me flowers to say you were sorry again for breaking my heart. I will tend to them and when they die throw them out for a brand new start. Tell me... Does their beauty help blind you to the bruise you left on my cheek? Let me hide behind them so you will not see the pain you so blatantly seek. Does their scent mask the cheap perfume left by the woman you had in our bed? Let me set them there on the nightstand so you will not be filled with dread. Let me accept them once again--and water them with my oceans of tears I wonder how long I will let this to go on? Gardens throughout the years...

I'm tired... of loving of sharing of believing of caring for those who cannot love me back I'm tired... of fighting of crawling of crying of clawing at the walls, a hole deep and black I'm tired but... I cannot sleep I cannot rest I cannot dream I cannot stop believing in love But I'm so, so very tired... From the depths of the arid plains of a ravaged soul and the emptiness of a desolate heart.

This poem was given to me by my foster children's counselor when she saw that I was burning out. I have been told by too many lately that I "cannot save the world." But I was determined to save those I can in my little corner. This has become detrimental to my own sanity and well being. One cannot help others if one is also broken. So I printed this poem and framed it. I hung it where I could read it daily. It has helped immensely. I hope that it can help someone else also... Love and peace, Singing Hawk The Journey by Mary Oliver One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began, though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice--— though the whole house began to tremble and you felt the old tug at your ankles. “Mend my life!” each voice cried. But you didn’t stop. You knew what you had to do, though the wind pried with its stiff fingers at the very foundations, though their melancholy was terrible. It was already late enough, and a wild night, and the road full of fallen branches and stones. But little by little, as you left their voices behind, the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds, and there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own, that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world, determined to do the only thing you could do-- determined to save the only life you could save.

People are cruel to one another. It blows my mind. I have been in some very bad situations, but no matter what, I have tried to keep my perspective and not hold grudges. I have never gone out of my way to cause another human being harm--except for one short lived time in my life. I am a healer. I walk the path of Healers before me. I try to keep anger and hatred from my heart. I usually do a very good job of that. At times though, something will happen that seems so unfair and blatantly hateful that I have to reign myself in. I have to stop and take a deep breath and re-center, clear my heart of harsh thoughts. Human beings are violent, mean and hateful creatures. But they are also the most compassionate, loving and caring. When they forego the loving nature to lash out at innocents, to hurt and maim people for no reason.. and there is never a good reason... it causes me an almost physical pain. I have stopped watching the news because of the horrors I see, but it has not stopped them from seeping into my life. There are people that have touched my life and those of my children, family and friends, that make me step back and wonder how much pain must this person have endured to make them so hateful. How much agony must they be in to want to cause so much pain to other people? How much must they hate their own miserable lives to want so badly to cause others misery? This is the only way I can step out of the anger, the rage, that I feel when I see or hear of things like this. I have tried to raise my children to look at people's actions and see beneath it to the core of what caused it. My 12 year old daughter said to me today in regards to one such incident.. It is because she is miserable with her own life that she has to hurt others, isn't it Mommy? Yes, Sweetheart, most likely that is it in a nutshell. At one time, I felt the pain, the hurt and misery and I too, being human, lashed out.. but only for a short time because it made me feel like dirt. I felt like I was less than human. Less than what the Creator wanted me to be. I made amends as best I could. Today something happened to cause my child pain. Someone else maliciously caused it... out of spite, hatred, I am not sure what. She is child. Whatever she has done, she did not deserve to be treated in such a manner. I became angry. I said things, ugly, vicious things. I wanted to hurt back... I wanted to take myself down to the level of cruelty that the person had.. but that is not who I am. I am a healer. Sometimes, I have to remind myself of that, not usually though. Only in the face of human cruelty. But that is when I need to be strongest. When I need my faith, my beliefs, to pull me out of the quagmire of hatred and remember who I am. I am not the same as these hateful people. I will never be. I have love in my heart. I will keep it there and it will protect me and those I love. Remember when people say and do things to hurt you... or those you love... they are to be pitied more than vilified. They are hurting, they need healing. Once again, shine your love more brightly than ever... they will either be brought into the light or run away from it. Thank you again for listening to my rant. It was a trying day. It is late. I need sleep. Love and peace always, Persephone