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What are you waiting for?
Sitting here I have been trying to think. When have I been truly happy? To the
point to where I had no cares or worries in the world..
As far back as I can remember, I have always been stressed about something, have
always worried about something, had a fear in the back of my mind that something,
sometime, somewhere, something bad is going to happen to me and there is nothing I
can do about it.
Sure I can change things...but my version of changing is not what is needed. My
change is chasing everyone that I care about away for me to be left to my own
devices and destruction to try to see what will happen on the other side. The
depression and anxiety takes me faster than I can realize, faster than I can
comprehend.
My whole life has been filled with disappointment. Dealing with a mentally
abusive, alcoholic father, a mother that no matter how much she showed the front
of being a dominant type person, in her own reality, she is afraid of being alone.
She will not admit it, but I can see it.
Having abuse thrown at me in many different ways that I am suprised that I can
trust people, let alone let people touch me. Part of me wishes that I was still
the naive, closed up person that I was before I moved to Oregon back in 2004. I
admit that by then I had already seen addiction on my part, and been put in a
positon that I can't believe I even put myself in.
Coming here, I was too naive, too much that living where I did, I really didnt see
people for who they really are. So, I end up finding the worst person I could have
fallen in love with. Meeting him put me thru 2 years of hell. He put me thru
emotional abuse, physical abuse...and the messed up thing, i stayed there because
I figured it was what I deserved. What I was put on this earth to endure. He was
one of my partial bits of hell. I am still dealing with it. Will be til the
divorce is final. Hopefully sometime soon it will be over and done with. Going
through that I partially became closed up. Afraid to trust.
Not more than 6 months later, I got into another bad relationship. Same
type..emotionally abusive, physically abusive. Put me in a position to where I was
only allowed to leave the house once every month or so. He had me so afraid to
leave the house that I never even tried it. 2 more years down the drain..another
abusive relationship, and again, I felt it was what I deserved.
2008, I moved back to Oregon. Thinking that things would be better. I have seen
rough patches. Bad relationships, more reasons why I should be a cold heartless
bitch by now with what I have been through. I have been around people that have
loved and adored me....yet I turned them away, never gave them a chance...with the
slight showing of affection I ran because I didnt know if they would hurt me like
every other person in my life had.
I still don't see how anyone could get close to a person like me...let alone love
me. I ruin everything that is good for me and run to the things that are the worst
for me...and honestly...right now I am scared. I don't want to ruin what I have
now. Back in the deepest part of my head I know that this is the thing that can
help me. That the one I am in love with, I want to be with til the end. I want to
commit to Him. I am really scared of doing something that would cause it to
end...and I am afraid that He may be like the rest....that likes what they see on
the outside at first glance...and then sees the true me and sees how willing I am
to see the person I am with happy that they use it to walk all over me and break
me even more when in all reality there isn't much there to break anymore. I am
tired of hurting..I am tired of being scared...I am tired of spending most of my
days worried about who is going to hurt me next....
I apologize for the depressing tone...my heart just hurts for some reason...
A little ranting and raving and such.....
Current mood: bitchy
OK. Before anyone that is close to me hears the rumors about me...I am going to set a few things straight. I know that the people downtown hear something then twist it around to be something completely different. I know that one from personal experience. (ie: the many many many many times that I was accused of cheating on jon...and it was just a mixup of words)
Recently Jon and I have been drifting farther and farther apart. And it wasn't until about 2 weeks ago that I questioned my love towards him. To me it seems that he doesn't care about me anymore....he just wants me around for a quick screw.....I have been trying and trying to explain to him that the things that he does and the things he says shouln't ever be said to someone that he claims to love. I am constantly called fat, a bitch, a whore, and other choice words. There is too much mental abuse to even start explaining about...Another thing...and I want peoples opinion on it...What is a person to think when their spouse brings home another person and kicks you out and lets this new person take your place(and then lets you back in a week later)?!? What is a person to think when their spouse hits on other women (not to mention some that are minors) right in front of you and asks you if they can screw them?!? Well I think it is bullshit. And I was blind to see what he was doing to me because I loved him sooo much and the thought of losing him sent me into a really bad depressed state. He anounced recently that he wanted a break...and that was around the time I finally pulled my head out of my ass and assessed the situation... He wants me to go all the way to Texas to have this "break". I think he wants this just to be able to screw other people without the guilt. I don't know....maybe I am wrong but that is what I am thinking....I just can't take the stress anymore of worrying about whether or not he is going to be bringing home another woman or not..or whether or not he is going to get drunk and hurt me. Honestly, sometimes he scares the shit out of me. And when I am around him I no longer feel the same sense of security I felt when he and I first met. I mean whenever he raises his hand near me...even if it is to give me a hug...I flinch back. That is how scared I am....I tried to make it work between him and me but to no success and I am growing weary of continuing this losing battle. And I am not going to do it anymore....I QUIT!(i hope people can get the meaning of that)
Over the years too many people chipped away at what little trust and love I have. I don't want it to happen anymore. Eventually I will not be the kind person I have always been...easily persuaded by friends to help them in their time of need. I want to be a nice person but it gets harder to do so day by day and it hurts me when I am mean to someone that I care about.
So...that is all I have to say for now. If you would like to leave comments on this post...feel free to do so. I could use all the help I can get......
Lady Ravyn
aka: Tanya
