PhiloNerd's blog: "Random things"

IDEA!!!!!!!!!!! As I was chit-chatting w/ YouMeRompHay 18 seconds ago I suddenly had an epiphony! I should get the following tattoo.

It will be a gay pirate riding a unicorn leading an army of asploding hellfiery rainbows... all in stick figure-ness!!!!!!!!!!

I will draw this one day and I will upload a picture and then I will get it on my body somewhere and it will be amazing. Ok... you may go back to your lives now.

How to Know if You Are Hetero

Determining your sexual orientation can be a confusing experience. If you have started to wonder if you are het, these tips can help. However, only you will know. It may take years, or it may even change over time. Just know that however you identify, you are still a valuable human being, no matter what others may say. Eventually, you may end up accepting that you are straight; but then again, you may discover that you are indeed queer after all. You may pass on to the next step of accepting that you are straight, and eventually to having a successful heterosexual relationship.

Steps

1. Learn about the various definition of Straight; there are many different considerations on the subject, depending on whom you talk to, but be honest with yourself as to what defines being straight to you. The debate on the subject is often referred to as the "nature versus nurture" conundrum. (Are you born this way, or does environment and upbringing play a contributory role?)

2.

• Some people believe that anyone and everyone have the potential to have a sexual or romantic relationship with a member of the opposite sex.
• Some people believe that heterosexuality is a biological or genetic condition; that you are naturally born straight. Others may agree that you might be born straight, but believe that it is the act of having a hetero relationship that makes you straight. Still others believe that heterosexuality is a product of one's environment and the experiences of your life, that is to say, that events in one's life contribute to your sexual orientation.
• Some believe that simply fantasizing about sex with a member of the opposite sex is proof that you are straight, but others believe that it is merely a sign that you might be leaning that direction.

3. Understand that fantasizing about members of the opposite sex does not necessarily make you straight. Gay people can have the occasional "opposite sex fantasy"; a woman having a strange dream involving a heterosexual experience, or a man wondering about what it feels like to snog that tough-looking girl on the soccer team, but it does not mean that they would jump on the chance when actually given the opportunity to do so.

4. Understand that if you and a member of the opposite sex have had intercourse, it does not mean that you are now exclusively heterosexual. After all, if you were gay, which indeed may be the case, you did not have to have sex with a member of the same sex to be able to say that you are gay.

5. Realize that there are many different paths to discovering your sexuality; some people may have known that they were very, very ordinary from a young age, while others take time to discover it, perhaps even in later life.

6. Understand that sexuality is a very complex issue. There is room for every degree of sexuality: some will be exclusively straight or gay, and never consider having sex outside their normal orientation. Some lesbians occasionally seek out male partners, and some gay men seek out females. There are many degrees of sexual orientation, and if you find you don't fit easily into one category, perhaps you are bisexual. Don't allow yourself to be labeled until or unless you are ready and willing to be.

7. Respect others' privacy. Do not attempt to undermine a straight friend or family member's realization of his or her sexuality. In a matter of speaking, they chose to be heterosexual the same day you chose to be gay - think about it; you never did choose either.

8. Think about your past romantic experiences with the same sex. How did you feel when that guy kissed you? Were there fireworks when you made out with that one spectacular girl? Who did you have crushes on? What kinds of fantasies did you have? What do you feel comfortable with and enjoy doing? Try looking at "sexy" pictures of both the opposite gender and your own; study them, and decide what you find attractive, and what turns you on.

9. Examine your recent behavior with your friends and acquaintances. If you're a girl trying to decide whether or not you are straight, has there been a close male friend you felt extra possessive, or protective of? One that you wanted to be your 'best friend forever' - and you insisted that you were his 'best friend forever', too? Did you just want to be his best friend, or did you take it a little too far? Guys, if you go for the tickle on the same girl friend at every band practice, consider whether or not you're also trying to make it to the instrument locker room at the same time. Are you more than passingly interested in her? Do you try to get a look at her body, get excited thinking about watching her change into her band jacket? Think about the way you're feeling, and really examine and analyze what it means.

10. Remember that you are not alone. There are many, many heterosexual people in the community from a variety of backgrounds who have been in your situation. Your parents, friends, teachers and other people in your life can be very supportive, if you feel comfortable talking about this with them. Talking to friends and family members if and when you are ready, and when you feel comfortable and safe can be a great help. Many people who you might think would not be very supportive might be very understanding. Being straight is not the end of the world! Do not attempt to undermine a straight friend or family member's realization of his or her sexuality. In a matter of speaking, they chose to be heterosexual the same day you chose to be gay - think about it; you never did choose either.Hide these ads

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics any problem they had with the airplane during the flight.

The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then explain in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken.

The pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance problems submitted by Qantas pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineer)


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200
feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: Thats what theyre there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect youre right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be
serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds
like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

This is cut/pasted from here: http://www.mil-millington.com/ ((Sorry for the huge size, the blog thing is being an ass.))

I'm not going to paste the whole thing because it is too long but omg... so much funny!

Nothing keeps a relationship on its toes so much as lively debate. Fortunate, then, that my girlfriend and I agree on absolutely nothing. At all.

Combine utter, polar disagreement on everything, ever, with the fact that I am a text-book Only Child, and she is a violent psychopath, and we're warming up. Then factor in my being English while she is German, which not only makes each one of us personally and absolutely responsible for the history, and the social and cultural mores of our respective countries, but also opens up a whole field of sub-arguments grounded in grammatical and semantic disputes and, well, just try saying anything and walking away.

Examples? Okey-dokey. We have argued about:

• The Terror Of Lids: Yes, the rewards are high, but it's a game where the price of defeat is savage. Sometimes Margret, after grunting with it herself for a collection of 'hnggh's, will hand me a bottle or a jar that has a screw top along with an impatient, 'Open that for me.' If the gods lie content in the skies above England at that moment, then what follows is a rapid flick of my wrist, a delightful 'click-fshhhh' gasp of surrender, and my handing the thing back to her FEELING LIKE A HERO OF NORSE LEGEND. Generally, though, what happens is that I strain for a while and strip the skin off the palm of my hands. Then I wrap the lid in a tea towel and strain some more to equal effect. At this point I'm on to using the jamb of the door as a vice to hold the lid while I twist at the container; Margret will be saying, 'Give it back here, you'll wreck the door,' and I'll be swearing and twisting and saying, 'I'll repaint that bit in a minute.' The fear is upon me. If it's a fizzy thing, you can sometimes puncture the lid to relieve the pressure and then get it open, but you're not often that lucky. 'Give it back,' Margret repeats, reaching around me, trying to take the item from my hands. I swivel away - 'Just a minute' - and desperately twist at the lid again, now not even attempting not to squint up my face as I do so. At last, though, Margret will manage to get the thing back. This is the darkest moment. If she tries again and it remains fastened, then I am saved. 'It's just completely stuck,' I'll say, 'It is. Stop trying now. Stop. Stop it.' However, there are times - and my stomach chills now, even as I write this - when she gets it back and, with one last satanic effort, manages to spin the lid free. A slight smile takes up home on her face.   'What?' I say.
  'Nothing.'
  'No - what?'
  'Nothing.'
  'I'd loosened it.'
  'I didn't say anything.'
  And I'll have to drag the tiny, damp shreds of my manhood away into the reclusive garage until the slight, slight smile disappears from her some thirty-six hours into the future.

1. The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for Blood plasma.
2. No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.
3. Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
4. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
5. Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.
6. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
7. The King of Hearts is the only king WITHOUT A MUSTACHE
8. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.
9. Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you!)
10. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
11. Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN!
12. The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
13. So did the first "MarlboroMan."
14. Walt Disney was afraid OF MICE!
15. PEARLS MELT IN VINEGAR!
16. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but, not downstairs.
17. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
18. Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
19. And the best for last.....Turtles can breathe through their butts.

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting:

30% of women think their ass is too fat............

10% of women think their ass is too skinny......

The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world 

I fucking love the movie Fight Club. No, I have not read the book. Yes, I realize that makes me an epic failure. No, I don't care.
Anyway.
These are some of my favorite quotes from the movie.

• Tyler Durden: Man, I see in fight club the strongest and smartest men who've ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off.
• Tyler Durden: You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fucking khakis. You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.
• Tyler Durden: You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else.
• Marla Singer: My God. I haven't been fucked like that since grade school.
• Narrator: On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.
• Tyler Durden: Listen to me! You have to consider the possibility that God does not like you. He never wanted you. In all probability, he hates you. This is not the worst thing that can happen.
• Tyler Durden: Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken.
• Tyler Durden: Fuck what you know. You need to forget about what you know, that's your problem. Forget about what you think you know about life, about friendship, and especially about you and me.
• Marla Singer: A condom is the glass slipper for our generation. You slip one on when you meet a stranger. You dance all night, and then you throw it away. The condom, I mean, not the stranger.
• Tyler Durden: Fuck Martha Stewart. Martha's polishing the brass on the Titanic. It's all going down, man. So fuck off with your sofa units and Strinne green stripe patterns.
• Tyler Durden: Self improvement is masturbation.
• Narrator: Marla's philosophy of life is that she might die at any moment. The tragedy, she said, was that she didn't.
• Narrator: I flipped through catalogs and wondered: What kind of dining set defines me as a person?
• Richard Chesler: Get the fuck out of here, you're fired!
  Narrator: I have a better solution.
• Tyler Durden: Warning: If you are reading this then this warning is for you. Every word you read of this useless fine print is another second off your life. Don't you have other things to do? Is your life so empty that you honestly can't think of a better way to spend these moments? Or are you so impressed with authority that you give respect and credence to all that claim it? Do you read everything you're supposed to read? Do you think every thing you're supposed to think? Buy what you're told to want? Get out of your apartment. Meet a member of the opposite sex. Stop the excessive shopping and masturbation. Quit your job. Start a fight. Prove you're alive. If you don't claim your humanity you will become a statistic. You have been warned- Tyler.

Awesomely kick ass song that has to be posted in a comment because the new blog settings are an epic fail.  :)

Funny, Dumb and Stupid Warning Labels

Do not use while sleeping.
Sears hair dryer

You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
Bag of Fritos

Use like regular soap.
Dial soap

Serving suggestion: Defrost.
Swann frozen dinner

Fits one head.
Shower cap box

Do not turn upside down.
Bottom of Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert box

Product will be hot after heating.
Marks & Spencer bread pudding

Do not iron clothes on body.
Rowenta iron

Do not drive car or operate machinery.
Boot’s children’s cough medicine

Warning: May cause drowsiness.
Nytol

Warning: Keep out of children.
Korean kitchen knife

For indoor or outdoor use only.
Chinese Christmas lights

Not to be used for the other use.
Japanese food processor

Warning: Contains nuts.
Sainsbury’s peanuts

Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.
American Airlines peanut packet

Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
Swedish chainsaw

Guys... you know you've thought it! :P