1197554's blog: "Plot-Two"

NOTE: MY blog = MY opinions. You do not have to agree with said opinions. --- My theories of Existence are incomplete and mangled. New opinions are floating in this mass of gray matter which we call our mind. My imagination is caged; freeing itself in short bursts which society refers to as hallucinations. What if the pen I'm writing with is a mere hallucination? When I go back to read this, it will be a memorized hallucination. If we play with this theory, what if my existence is a hallucination? Existence isn't so justified if you're an imaginary friend to some lonely being. I suppose it ties in with the theory as the dream state. If we are sleeping, dreaming a lifetime of existence. Perhaps I am comatose, and none of this is real. Perhaps reality is a lot more amazing than we thought. Has this always been so? Where does the true power lie? Are we to believe blindly in religion, and a story of an almighty existence? We create. How do we differ from God? We create, we control, we determine the existence of ourselves and other beings. We are Human. We are the almighty existence, a perfect collision of atoms, molecules and emotion in one. I believe highly in Anarchy. I believe we are no greater than we perceive ourselves to be. Anarchy is merely human nature. Survival of the fittest. Society today has a different view : survival of the elitist. Who has the power? Presidents, senate, military and celebrities. Money fuels power. If we take away money, power is reduced to ashes. End result? Anarchy, AKA, human nature. I'm a very self-reliant person. I fear the future, I fear love, and I fear loneliness. I enjoy being alone, but I'm on the neverending search to find someone to spend the rest of my so called existence with. I am a pile of contradictions. I don't fear Life, I fear existence. I play by my own rules, and my beliefs and theories bring me to a higher existence. Our small minded society finds comfort in the most ridiculous acts. Dropping an atomic bomb on hundreds of thousands of innocent Japanese people brought America comfort years ago. What brings elitist George Bush comfort today? His quest for a man with his own opinions and beliefs. A man supposedly the brains behind the 9/11 attacks. I'm not saying what Bin Laden did was right; his acts were very wrong. But when a voice is crushed by a self-involved superior foreign government of a foreign country, we act out of pure insanity. Why wasn't this a wake up call? This isn't an invitation to war, this is the rest of the world bearing their opinions to America. I refuse to fall into this ridiculous American belief/values system. The United States of America? The United States of Conformity. And this is my United State of Reality. This is not directed at the children and youth of America. This is pure venom, spit into the face of our government. I want to infect the country with my disease of knowledge. With free will, equality, acceptance. But anyone other than Bush with an opinion, will be hunted and shot down as a terrorist. Keep your coins. I want change. I want a fresh start. Another shot at the human race. Eliminate technology, electricity, vehicles. Give us the bare essentials. Burn all of your money. We're all so self-absorbed with social status. I've been an outcast since elementary school, and now I have friends. What shock! I have friends equally or more opinionated than myself. And the "popular kids" from elementary school? Still self-absorbed, fake conformists. In the event of disaster, people such as they would dissolve into the cracks of society, and the truly strong would rise. We're evolving. Evolution is inevitable, disaster is preventable. We're slowly losing our most admirable human emotions. Empathy, compassion, guilt. These are all being replaced with greed, tainted with the subtle hint of fear. We are in the process of breeding a new generation of monsters. The Cyber Generation. Internet terrors, children of megabytes. Society's army of robotic, alienated beings, created for the mere purpose of existence. Keep running in the race. Humanity failed.

This is can only go one of two ways: A: I've finally broke down and cried. Now I'm over it. I've dealt. B: The start of crying for the next two weeks. I wish when you'd send out text messages that involve lyrics, you'd just leave me out of them. "Here's to the nights we felt alive. Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry. Here's to goodbye, tomorrow's gonna come too soon." For the next few months, at least, I'll be avoiding that song like the fucking plague. But for now, I refuse to stop playing it.

               Turn your speakers up.

                           Put yourself where I am,

             And miss the fuck out of them.

"Then we will stomp some log houses, am I right guys?" "I’ve been meaning to start running again anyway." "Darling, it’s better." "Quiet kisses are so hardcore." "Is it a boy or a girl? Maybe..." "I used to want to plant bombs the night of prom." "We’ve been good, but we can’t last." "You were always laughing!" "I can contain it if I have to." "Does he even clean his own hair?" "Really, I am glad the romance is gone." "What about their friends?" "You fucked it up." "I’m here for ART, sir." "Like she’s going anywhere." "I wake up in long term relationships." "Don’t you have anywhere else to be?" Damn, I missed you guys.<3

Currently listening:

Right Now, You're in the Best of Hands
By Bear vs. Shark
Release date: 22 July, 2003

               I find myself at an impasse as I am grounded with no short-term objectives in mind, and no crew. My previous of the latter were inept, and unwilling to focus themselves on a single goal, but rather deciding on branching out by themselves and placing all stock in their own endeavors. Their demise was begun with -CENSOR CENSOR CENSOR- I think, and it's end was met with an inception of sorts, a new chapter in my own fate. Anyway, enough about what's over and done with.

I have a feeling that....scratch that, a horrifying nightmare that the lapse in activity I've been trudging through is going to change incredibly suddenly. I'm really really really fucking worried about something that I can't mention, but if it happens it'll change the rest of my life. It's something I'm not ready for, I haven't planned on, and I'll be looked down on by everybody if it happens. I can't even say anything about what it would involve, because I don't need anyone to worry. No one deserves that.

Waiting, waiting, waiting....

          I have this mood I like a lot that keeps me. And in revisitation it knows me so it’s like it’s home again. No more worries. I just breathe again. To hum it and to sing it to yourself as if there’d be somebody else hiding in a drawer to surprise and say that they wish you’d do it more but you don’t and that’s a sad sad thought. To me that the answer just for living is the answer just for growing smaller.. No one bleeds what they don’t believe. And where we should be dancing in the flooded streets.. We’re sleeping in the corner of a room nobody wants to see.
I’m not so damaged anymore, screaming, but more scarred and bobbing my head to a song nobody else likes the way I do. And it’s calmingly and soberly nostalgic just to sit alone and wish I weren’t like I always used to do. The feeling that I missed has come to me. And once again I find myself aware of just how old I am and just how young I am, and just how little time I have or have ever had to listen to the things he had to say to me. I’m done with that and I’m done with me being so unstable. Time to grow and time to feel. Time to know exactly who I am and who I want to be. I will hold onto that and die for that, and I will rage against that night the way I read about and loved.

                             ...Too late.

 

        Fight that starts without a punch and ends without a word leaves silence in a room. The drunk obsession where I burned the marks are spreading. Still the carpet stained and the mantel empty like the memory shattered. On the wall the family picture like the clock and unburned candles broken left alone, like me, but I don't mind at least not yet. So tell me how I'm not supposed to talk myself to sleep again...

It's not healthy but it's mine.

       Dancing staring without moving, taunting time on steps I refuse to climb because the landing above wasn't built for me. I think, but if the house is empty maybe stairs are what I need. But not today and not tonight I'll ask again tomorrow. Lying here can calm me if I wait, and if I wait I'll find myself...

It's not healthy but it's mine.

        Absent focus as I've said some people hear and I keep saying. Yet it doesn't ever hide the broken lines that shake beneath me. Does it hurt them when I jump and stomp? Fuck it, I don't care. Those limits set to break aren't budging, so to cope I'm only trapped and apathy consumes until I'm stone without my wine...

                       It's not healthy but it's mine.

 

What's to save?

I'm only stalling.

Currently listening:
Black Sheep Boy (Definitive Edition)
By Okkervil River
Release date: 06 March, 2007

               Turn your speakers up.

                           Put yourself where I am,

             And miss the fuck out of them.

Currently listening: Reinventing Axl Rose By Against Me Release date: 01 April, 2002

Current mood: breezy

Over the weekend I took out four of my piercings (Snakebites, Monroe, and Septum). I'm planning on dying my hair blonde, perhaps a hair cut as well.

You know, I'm not really sure. There could be a million and one reasons for it.
Part of me is going with: I'm all about change. Shocking people. Trying to keep them on their toes. Surely they won't expect me to do any of these three things.

Another part is going with: I'm moving in June. New state. New home. Soon to be living in a city. I don't know anyone there. This is my shot at being a whole other person. So I should go back to the plain canvas I was when I was 13.

Then there's the third part: Everyone prejudges. I'm sick of people looking at me and thinking I'm some kind of druggie. That I probably go out and sleep with whoever the guy of the week is since I'm always walking around with a bunch of males. I'm sick of people thinking I'm a horrible person for no real reason at all.

Then the fourth part of me is being pulled between those three different views.

I've been asked about my tattoo. If I regret it or anything yet.
Nope, I don't. After I move, I'm going to be living horribly close to that band. Know what that means? Going to every single show.
Sure having a tattoo messes with my "plain canvas" theory a bit. But I love my tattoo. So I don't mind the fact that it's always going to be there.

Currently listening: This Is Our Revenge By With Honor Release date: 18 October, 2005