stormdreamer's blog: "Pass It On *laughs*"

This was written by a black gentleman in Texas and is so funny. What a great sense of humor and creativity!!! When I born, I black, when I grow up, I black, when I go in sun, I black, when I cold, I black, when I scared, I black, when I sick, I black, and when I die, I still black. You white folks.... when you born, you pink, when you grow up, you white, when you go in sun, you red , when you cold, you blue , when you scared, you yellow, when you sick, you green, when you bruised, you purple , and when you die, you gray . So who you callin' colored folks ???

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately,they concurred on almost all counts. The results: Drink: Beer Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth. Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool. Drink: Blender Drinks Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass. Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy. Drink: Mixed Drinks Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants. Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink.................. Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel) Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles. Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends. Drink: White Zinfandel Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue. Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target. Drink: Shots Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk... and naked. Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad! Drink: Tequila No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there. THEN, there is the MALE addendum ----The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut: Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid . Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid. Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid . Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid. Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress. White Zinfandel: He's gay

Yuh Got to Love Them Oregonians > > > John the owner of a golf course in Oregon was confused >about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary, Carol, for >some mathematical help. He called Carol into his office and said, "You >graduated from the University of Oregon, and I need some help. If I were >to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" > Carol thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings." > >You gotta love those women from Oregon >============================================== > > A group of Oregon friends went deer hunting and paired >off in twos for the day. > That night, one of the hunters, Steve, returned alone, >staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. > "Where's Wade?" the others asked. > "Wade had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles >back up the trail," the successful Steve replied. > "You left Wade laying out there and carried the deer back?" they >inquired. > "A tough call," nodded Steve. "But I figured no one is >going to steal Wade! > >============================================== > > Regarding the year 2000, Beth a United States Postal worker was >overheard saying "when the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Oregon." > When asked why, she stated that everything happens here 20 years >later than the rest of the civilized world. > >============================================== > > The young Oregonian came running into the store and said to his >buddy, "Alvin, somebody just stole your pickup truck >from the parking lot!" > Alvin replied, "Did you see who it was?" > The young fella answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the >license plate number." > >============================================== >NEWS FLASH! - Grants Pass, Oregon > > Oregon's worst air disaster occurred when a small >two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by Arkie & Edna, >crashed into a cemetery earlier today in Grants Pass, Oregon >Search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so >far and expect the number to climb as digging continues >into the evening. > Arkie & Edna survived and are helping in the recovery >efforts. > >============================================== >And my personal favorite: > >An Oregon State trooper pulled over a pickup on route 199. > The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" > Bruce replied, "Bout whut?

I dialed a number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but Thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the Beep. If I do not return your call, You are one of the changes." ~~~~~ Aspire to inspire before you expire. ~~~~~ My wife and I had words, But I didn't get to use mine. ~~~~~ Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses. ~~~~~ Blessed are those who can give without remembering And take without forgetting. ~~~~~ The irony of life is that, by the time You're old enough to know your way Around, you're not going anywhere. ~~~~~ God made man before woman so as to give him time to think Of an answer for her first question. ~~~~~ I was always taught to respect my elders, But it keeps getting harder to find one. ~~~~~ Every morning is the dawn of a new error. ~~~~~ The quote of the month is by Jay Leno: "With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"

An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Datsa easy." and he proceeds to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asks. "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree makea nine," says the Italian. "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99." The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere a you go." The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99 ?" "Ea ch of da trees isa dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99." The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hi re this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred." The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" (You're going to love this one!!!) The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little doga came along and crapa by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, datsa makea one hundred. So, when I'm a gonna start?"

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS. And furthermore . HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN." 2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE." 3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY." 4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION." 5 . She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE." 6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER." HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY." 2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN." 3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS." 4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION." 5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION." 6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE

Don't worry, it's a good story - and worth reading - it's even humorous in parts. It's from the mother of a Marine in Iraq . She writes: "My son told me how wonderful the care packages we had sent them were and wanted me to tell everyone thank you. He said that one guy we'll call Marine X, got a girl care package and everyone was giving him a hard time. My son said, 'Marine X got some really nice smelling lotion and everyone really likes it, so every time he goes to sleep they steal it from him.' I told my son I was really sorry about the mistake, and if he wanted I would send Marine X another package. He told me not to worry about Marine X because every time I send something to him, Marine X thinks it's for him too. He said when my husband and I sent the last care package, Marine X came over to his cot picked up the box, started fishing through it, and said, 'What'd we get this time?' " "My son said they had the most fun with Marine X's package. He said he wasn't sure who we were sending the pack to, but the panties were size 20, and he said one of the guys got on top of the Humvee and jumped off with the panties over his head and yelled, 'Look at me, I'm an Airborne Ranger!!!' One of the guys attached the panties to an antenna and it blew in the wind like a windsock. He said it entertained them for quite awhile. Then of course, they had the tampons." "When he brought this up my imagination just went running, but he continued: My son said they had to go on a m ission and Marine X wanted the Chapstick and lotion for the trip. He grabbed a bunch of the items from his care package and got in the Humvee. As luck would have it he grabbed the tampons too, and my son said everyone was teasing him about, 'not forgetting his feminine hygiene products.' " "He said things went well for a while, then the convoy was ambushed and a Marine was shot. He said the wound was pretty clean, but it was deep. He said they were administering first aid but couldn't get the bleeding to slow down, and someone said, 'Hey use Marine X's tampons.' My son said they put the tampon in the wound. At this point my son profoundly told me, 'Mom did you know that tampons expand?' " "Well, yeah!" "They successfully slowed the bleeding until the guy got better medical attention. When they went to check on him later the surgeon told them, 'You guys saved his life. If you hadn't stopped that bleeding he would ha ve bled to death.' My son said, 'Mom, the tampons sent by the Marine Moms by mistake saved a Marine's life.' " "At this point I asked him, 'Well what did you do with the rest of the tampons?' He said, 'Oh, we divided them up and we all have them in our flak jackets, and I kept two for our first aid kit.' "

Here is a true story about the virtue of complaining.... Phone repair dispatch: A South Carolina farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: 1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar. 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called. 4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate. 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.