Krissi so Rocks's blog: "nothing..."

i really don't know why i try anymore...everything i put effort into, i will to work out, the things that make me happy...they all fall to shit...everything around me falls to shit...i just cant deal with it anymore...and so very few people actually show me support..to those i'm extremely greatful...to the rest of you, rot, thats all i can say to u...i hope you rot... and this headache bullshit...its so constant...its...ugh...my stomach is going to end up eating itself with all the pain pills i'm putting in it...and i absolutely HATE taking any kinds of meds...but this is so bad i have to... i need to get away...i need to not have to worry about or talk to or deal with anyone/anything that i currently know...i just need something different...something new and exciting and relaxing all at once...blah... i'm done

well its official..the car is going bye bye....a valve broke and fell into the piston...1200$ job...and that on top of the other 2 grand worth of stuff it would need to pass inspection in october...well i'll just be getting a new car by then instead...one with far less miles... and of course b/c of all the crap going on otherwise i'm fucking broke as all hell...i'm just barely scraping by...if anyone wants to contribute to the "help krissi survive fund" i am taking donations now...(thats a joke...i dont want ur money)... oh and the constant paranoia of running into the ex idiot..thats a blast...and it's just getting worse as that anniversary approaches...by october i'll be a complete wreck...friday's fall like weather proved that to me...totally reminded me of the last few happy moments i had...and of course the collapse of my universe... but besides all that i still have the ability to laugh...good thing huh?...i'm hoping so...if ya really wanna make me happy u should come keep my company during my radio shows in the dungeon of the damned... but its exessively late...my bed is calling...just felt like throwing this in here b4 i went...

so it seems a few people i know have had car problems with in the last week...well of course i fell victim to the same fate...saturday night coming home from a concert i stopped at the bar to grab some drinks to come home and chill with...my sister and my best chica vixie were with me...so vixie and i run in and grab the drinks and when we came out i started the car and thats when things turned to shit...the engine turned over no problem but of course it suddenly started doing this horrible knocking or something...then the check engine light started flashing...then i spazzed...called everyone i could think of...no one had any ideas or they didnt answer...finally broke down and called roadside assistance (its just like triple A but its through my cell phone provider)...they tried to get a tow for me but no place was open...so 2 hours later my neighbor was nice enough to come pick us up....then sunday i had to get my ass back up there and call again for the tow...so now my car sits there, outfront my house, smirking at us!...its a bitch!!!...gotta find some1 who will come look at it for free and gimme an idea of how much it'll cost or if i should just junk it... so to kinda make up for it i went over my neighbor's today and she and her husband gave me a tattoo...woohoo...ok call me whatever but it was my 1st and i only got a few tiny little stars on my hand..but still..its a start!!...and of course they did it for free since i've helped them out so much in the past...there's a pic up on here if ya wanna see it..i'll get a better one later... so yeah, just wanted to throw this all in here...time to get back to DJing in the Dungeon of the Damned....and to mentally prepare myself for riding public trans to work all week =(

i'm sure everyone feels this way every so often...but to feel this way nearly constantly?...there must be something wrong...having friends turn away...have that look in their eye like ur nothing more than a pane of glass...they're staring right throught you...like you u have no substance to you... i feel like i've become a lesser being...unworthly of acknowledgement...forget the good deeds or accomplished tasks...you have ur own life to live...why would mine make any difference to you?...what should it matter that i stumble and fall...or if i rise up and succeed?... and those breif moments that you do care...are they worth it?...should i bother suffering the suspicion that your toying with me again?...will it make any difference tomorrow?...you'll just go back to seeing past me...its plain to me that u only keep me around for entertainment... some affection...thats all...with out me begging...some how letting me know someone cares...that i dont need to reach to find you...that your already here... then again...being outside you may be better...

This is just something random that came to me the other day as i was driving down the road...its not very good but i dont care...i just feel like sharing... A long empty winding road Late on a summer's night The headlights barely showing the next bend Nothing but the dashboard lights and the voices on the radio for company The wind rushing in the open window, through her hair, breezing over her flesh like a lover's caress. Pushing the petal farther toward the floor Fingers tapping on the wheel to the music that is all but drowned out by the roar of the engine. A single tear slides down her cheek. Then more begin the blur her vision as thoughts blur her mind. Pushing the car faster yet. Trying to run from... A figure on the road, the screech of tires, the deadly thud of a body. Coming around to gaze into the lifeless eyes of the lover who abandoned her. ...the fate that she would run into him again.

so i was sitting outside, the freezing wind making my hands and face burn, smoking a cigarette on my break at work...for some strange reason no one walked by while i was out there...so i was just sitting there thinking...in 6 days i'm gonna be 24...24 and still working part time at a thrift store...24 and still without a college degree...24 and alone... last yr's birthday, tho not perfect, was still amazing b/c of the little things a certain person did for me and just spending time with him and such...and this year, nothing...i'll be working, just another night at the same shitty thrift store...thats it... 24...ok, so its not such a high number...not to alot of you...but it is to me...24 and basically starting things over...time is passing by too quickly for me to catch my breath it seems... today i'm 23...yesterday i was a teenager...the day before a small child....i don't want to see what tomorrow brings yet, but i'm barreling headlong into it... 24...heh...

i love how every little spec of hope i have gets blown away before it even has the chance to become a full on dream....my life is going nowhere and no one seems to realize just how depressed i've become...my own mother hasnt noticed...well, thats a lie...she's noticed that i never sleep anymore, and that i have no desire to go anywhere or do anything...but instead of putting 2 and 2 together and realizing something is wrong she just continues to add to it...she continues to bitch at me about how bad my habits are and how i never do anything... then of course there's the whole no relationship thing...i'm still completely in love with the idiot...and his whore is leaving for some job far away for several months without him!...but im a fool to think he'll come back...he left me for her in the 1st place...i wish...i dont know what i wish...i wish things had never changed, i wish things will change...oh nevermind... i feel like not getting online anymore, or going to work, or even getting out of bed...but if i stop doing these things my life will get worse... my mind is all over the place...i cant keep this train of thought going..so i'm just gonna end this now...maybe someday i'll actually be able to describe whats wrong and how i feel...