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What are you waiting for?
NEW TAX LAW
The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time is is pissed off, and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has 2 dependents and they are both nuts.
Effective January 1st, 2013, your penis will be taxed according to size. The brackets are as follows:
10-12'' Luxury Tax $30.00 8-10'' Privilege Tax $15.00 5-8'' Nuisance Tax $3.00 Males exceeding 12'' must file under Capital Gains. Anyone under 4'' is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!
Sincerely, Pecker Checker IRS
***NOTE*** We are still waiting for answers for the following questions:
* Are there penalties for early withdrawals? * What if one's penis is self-employed? * Do multiple partners count as a corporation? * Are condoms a deductible expense as work clothes?
Cannot believe i am going to post this, but it appeals to my sense of humour.
Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage,
a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a
large insurance policy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary),
and arranging to have her killed. A "friend of a friend" put him in
touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name
of "Artie". Artie explained to the husband that his going price for
snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was
willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash
on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie
insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front. The man opened
up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept
the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed. A few days later,
Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway grocery store.
There, he surprised her in the produce department, and proceeded
to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting
woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager
of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene.
Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but
to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the
entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and
observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called
the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave
the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie
revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements
with the hapless husband. And that is why, the next day in the
newspaper, the headline declared: "ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR
A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY."
men were caught carrying large amounts of cannabis and where summond to court.
the judge told them each to get as many people to quite smoking cannabis forever in one week and they will be released with all charges dropped.
so off the 2 men went on their mission to avoid being charged.
a week later when both men were back in front of the judge, the judge asked the first man..."how did you get on with getting as many people you could to quite smoking cannabis forever??" the man looked proudly back at the judge and said "well i got 37 people to quite cannabis!!"
"WOW thats good" replied the judge "how did you manage that??"
the man replied "well, i drew 2 circles, a small one and a large one, and explained to them that the large circle is their brain before they smoke cannabis and the small circle is their brain after they smoke cannabis..."
"good tactic well done!......and you??" he said turning to look at the second man.
"well your honour" he said very smugly "i managed to get 763 people to quite smoking cannabis forever!!" "WOW thats amazing...how, how, how did you do that??" said the judge stuttering...."well, i used the same 2 circles, a large one and a small one, and explained that the small circle was their ass hole before prison and the large one was their ass hole after!!!"
Grandma Goes to Court
Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?
Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years.
Defense! Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!"….And that's when I shot the son of a bitch!:)
Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold, a Genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope...Due to inflation, constant downswing, low wages in third world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...What'll it be?"
Bill didn't hesitate. He said, "I want to be remembered for bringing peace to the Middle East, instead of that other stuff with Monica, and Jennifer, and the rest of those women. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map of the Middle East and exclaimed, "Jeez, Fella! These people have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good. I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."
Bill thought for a minute and said, "You know, people really don't like my wife. Even though she got elected, they call her a carpetbagger. They think she's mean, ugly, and pushes me around. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like her. That's what I want."
The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Lemme see that map again.":)
After being married for 30 years, a man took a look at his wife and said, "Honey, do you realize 30 years ago, I had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a pull out bed and watched a 13 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 21 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 51 year old blonde. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things." Now the wife, a very reasonable woman, told him to go out and find a hot 21 year old blonde, and she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and if he was lucky he would have a small television to watch.:)
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. :)
He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility .....
Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes, sir.'
Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.
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Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot in the head by the woman's husband. Pass this safety information on to all your buddies!
Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1
......bottle Vodka, 2 cups dried fruit.
Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK. Try another cup just in case.
