LANDON's blog: "NEW RULES"

November 2, 2007 Send Bill Maher's New Rules to a Friend New Rule: When you're supposed to be "taking off the gloves and really letting your opponent have it," don't get caught checking out her ass. [a series of photos of Obama checking out Hillary Clinton at the debate are shown] New Rule: You can't claim to have seen a UFO and have the pointy Mr.Spock ears. [photo of Dennis Kucinich shown] New Rule: Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas must be combined into one single super-holiday--called "Thankshallowistmas." That way, you only have to get together with your bat-shit family once. In a costume for candy, presents and a big turkey dinner. Then it's everybody into the den until you're drunken uncle calls your cousin a whore. New Rule: You don't have to recall things that would make people sick anyway. General Mills has recalled five million Jeno's frozen pizzas because they might be contaminated with E. coli. Couldn't they just as easily say they're recalling five million strains of E. coli because they might be contaminated with Jeno's pizza? I mean, what's the difference? One gives you stomach cramps and diarrhea, and the other is E. coli! New Rule: Waiters in Asian restaurants have to stop giving me attitude when I ask for a fork. It's not a hate crime, you know. Now, if you would please, I would like to get that food you just put in front of me into my stomach before it dawns on me what the f*ck it is. And, finally, New Rule: If America's richest one-percent are now so rich that even a five-star hotel isn't good enough, it's time to bring back the guillotine. Yes, what's being dubbed America's first "six-star" hotel has just opened in Miami Beach. How ritzy is it? Well, let's put it this way. J-Lo can afford to stay here, but her husband can't. At this hotel, when they ask if you'd like help with your bag, they're talking about your scrotum. But, this is America, and we can afford it, along with $2-trillion wars and tax cuts. But, there's one thing we can't afford, and that's health care for sick kids. So, the question I'm asking is, how did it all ever get so uneven? Warren Buffett asks that question. He's the third-richest man in the world, and a decent man. He points out how ridiculous it is that he - the third-richest man in the world - is taxed at 17.7%, while his secretary, who makes sixty grand a year, is taxed at 30%. Which brings up a very fundamental economic question: why is Warren Buffett paying his secretary only sixty grand a year? He's the third-richest man in the world! But, you know, the days when a shop girl in the big city could support herself working a full 40-hour week, or a family of four could live off a single blue-collar breadwinner, are as bygone a fantasy as malt shops or heterosexual wizards. If you're living hand-to-mouth, and still buying into the con that the big threats to America are socialized medicine, Mexican immigrants and tax increases, then you're not being kept down by the rich. You're being kept down by you. In America, it's not the haves and have-nots. It's the haves and the been-hads. If you, the citizen, deliberately vote for someone who won't give you health care over someone you will, you need to have your head examined. Except you can't afford to have your head examined. Please remember that if you hear the new radio ad from Rudy Giuliani, who says his chances of surviving prostate cancer in America were 82%, whereas, in England, under "socialized medicine," his chances would have been 44%. Numbers that, like the cancer, were pulled directly out of Rudy's ass. Now, I know socialized medicine sounds like Stalin himself is going to come over to your house and perform a forced sterilization. But, really all it is, is universal health care. Which means everybody - not just the rich - gets to see a doctor when their erection lasts longer than 72 hours. And I just hope that one day, ten or fifteen years from now, one of Rush Limbaugh's "Ditto Heads" is going to wake up in his cell in debtors' prison - because that's where President Giuliani throws you when you can't pay your Visa bill - and he'll turn on the Fox Financial Channel, and as he watches some CEO gloat over his $200 million in stock options, he's going to suddenly realize that he's been had. And on that day, that man will begin the great middle class uprising of the 21st century. Oh, no, he'll probably just switch over to "Pimp My Truck.

New Rule: The problem with this picture of Vanessa Hudgins isn't that she's a bad role model. The problem with it is that there's no room for it on the flag. If you ask the Marines in Fallujah what they're fighting for, this would probably come up slightly more often than the name Nouri al-Maliki. The only thing wrong with this is that in eight years, it's going to turn into this.
New Rule: Technology businesses must cut the baby talk. It's 2007. You're a rapacious, multi-billion-dollar corporation, not a stuffed animal. This week, Yahoo! announced a deal with Bebo, which will help it compete with Google. I had to Wiki Bebo to find out it's kind of like Friendster and Woofy. Gosh, I hope they can all band together and save Fuzzleton Village from the evil Snorgs! Grow up! If I want to see uncaring money-making machines with cutesy names, I'd go to a strip club. New Rule: We may never know what the World Trade Center meant to our enemies, but our inability to build anything on the site in six years symbolizes our national head-up-the-ass. You know, it took two years to build the Eiffel Tower. In the 1880s. By hand. By French guys, while screwing their mistresses. Of course we can't rebuild Iraq. We can't get shit done in Soho! And while we're on the subject, New Rule: Crazy people who still think the government brought down the Twin Towers in a controlled explosion have to stop pretending that I'm the one who's being naïve. How big a lunatic do you have to be to watch two giant airliners packed with jet fuel slam into buildings on live TV, igniting a massive inferno that burned for two hours, and then think, well, if you believe that was the cause… Stop asking me to raise this ridiculous topic on the show and start asking your doctor if Paxil is right for you. New Rule: Stop b*tching that Apple cut the price of the iPhone. Early adopters always pay a premium. "Early adopters" being a business term meaning "dipshits who stand in line for six hours... for a freaking phone. It's not a price cut. It's a repeal on the "Nerd Tax." If you didn't have to be the first on your block to have the latest gizmo, you'd now have an extra $200 to spend on your imaginary girlfriend. And finally, New Rule - and I never thought I'd be the one to say this, but: Don't show me your tits. Last week, the world's first "Nurse In" was held to protest the case of a woman who was breast-feeding in public, and asked by an Appleby's manager not to leave, but just to cover up a little bit. Because the wait staff got tired of hearing, "I'll have what that kid's having." Look, I'm not trying to be insensitive here. I know your baby needs to eat, but so do I, and this is Appleby's, so I'm already nauseous. Breast-feeding a baby is an intimate act, and I don't want to watch strangers performing intimate acts. At least not for free. It cheapens it. But breast-feeding activists - yes, breast-feeding activists, called "lactivists" - say this is a human right and appropriate everywhere, because it's natural. Well, so is masturbating, but I generally don't do that at Appleby's. Not in the main dining area, anyway. I mean, next thing, women will be wanting to give birth in the waterfall at the mall! Look, there's no principle at work here other than being too lazy to either plan ahead or cover up. It's not fighting for a right. It's fighting for the spotlight you surely will get when you go all "Janet Jackson" on everyone. And get to drink in the "oohs" and "aahs" from the other customers because "You made a baby!" Something a dog can do. Only in America do women think they deserve a medal for having a kid. In China, women give birth on their lunch hour, and by the afternoon, they're back on line, painting lead onto Barbie dolls. But this isn't really about women taking their breasts out in public, as much as I'd like it to be. It's about how petty and parochial our causes have become, how activism has become narcissism. It's why Al Gore can't get people to focus on global warming unless there's a rock concert. "Melting icebergs, brought to you by Smashing Pumpkins." It's why there'll be no end to this dumb war until there is a draft. Because, at the end of the day, Iraq is somebody else's problem. And, by the way, there is a place where breasts and food do go together. It's called "Hooters."

New Rule: Stop saying Barack Obama isn't black enough! First, you aren't sure America was ready for a black president. Now he's not black enough? "I like his stand on the issues, but can he dunk?" Why are we even talking about him this way? Mitt Romney, now there's someone who's not black enough to be president. New Rule: Victoria Beckham must smile. The last person who arrived in America looking this unhappy came on a slave ship. "Hey, Spice Girl, it's not spitting rain and ten degrees out there anymore. You're in Cali, baby! Knows how to party!" Nobody? "Your husband can bend a soccer ball using the muscles in his foot. You could at least bend your lips using the muscles in your face!" New Rule: Journalists in Iraq must stop celebrating miracle babies rescued by American soldiers. Like when U.S. troops found little Fatima lying in a pile of rubble, and instead of bashing her head in with a rock, they brought her to a hospital. Ooh, what a miracle!! U.S.A. number one! Thanks, CBS, for turning Iraq into a feel-good story for the "Baby Jessica Fell Down a Well" crowd. And, no offense, Fatima, but the real miracle in Iraq will be if we ever manage to get out. No, please, don't - don't tire yourselves out. New Rule: Stop wearing plastic shoes. It was only a year ago when only preschoolers and mental patients wore these. But, now grownups all over America have gone "Croc" crazy. The latest step in our unending quest to dress as casually as humanly possible. "You know, I used to wear flip-flops, but they're a little dressy." "I want clothing I can hose down." Admit it, we're a nation of slobs who won't be happy until we can go to the mall in a diaper. New Rule: If your winner is a ventriloquist, then "America Hasn't Got Talent." Besides, if there's one thing Americans have had enough of, it's the guy who puts words in the dummy's mouth.
Oh, we kid President Bush. It's all with love. And finally, New Rule: If you were surprised that the Chinese don't care about toy safety, then the child who needs protecting is you. Over the last couple of months, American consumers have been learning a shocking lesson about supply and demand: if you demand products that don't cost anything, people will make them out of poison, mud and shit. Now, since April, approximately 17 million toys in the United States, all of them made in China, have been recalled. Which is amazing considering that no one in the Department of Justice can recall a thing. Okay. Now, believe me, I was devastated when Mattel recalled almost everything in my Barbie Dream Closet. Although I had suspected something when Ken discovered a lump on his testicle. Until recently, I never even worried about being harmed by the Chinese. Unless they were in the left-hand turn lane. I kid. I love the... But then we found out … that their dog food was deadly and that they were making toothpaste out of antifreeze, and that the Number 62A at the Szechuan Palace is Beef with Bronchitis. They're the Chinese. They don't care if your precious little Britney sucks a little lead. Because in China, their kids aren't playing with the toys. They're the ones in the factory all day making them. Now, I know you're saying, "But, Bill, I don't have time to ponder whether these $12 jeans are the product of child labor. I just know I'm an American on a budget and our lifestyle is a blessed one. And I want to look nice while I'm standing in line for my iPhone." But, there is something to be said for thinking about why these bargains are such bargains. Wal-Mart is the most American thing in the universe, but all it sells is crap from China. Wal-Mart wouldn't exist without the American consumers' endless thirst for the cheapest stuff China has to offer. Like $30 DVD players and Jackie Chan.Yeah, you're right, it was a great movie. Anyway...in America, there is nothing more sacred than a bargain... And Jackie Chan. And that even includes the war. Yeah, there's too much lead in the kids' toys, but not nearly enough on the Humvees in Iraq. "Let's have a war and cut taxes; what could go wrong?" "Let's give mortgages to the homeless. Sounds like a plan." "Let's buy toys from a Communist police state. You just know they'll put in a little extra love." Speaking of which, you know why today's modern Chinese capitalist puts lead in the paint that goes on toys? Because it makes colors brighter. You've got to love America, a country that's literally being killed by the stuff that makes objects shiny.

I saw this and had to post it. He's probably going to get jail time for utter stupidity an arrogance, not to mention his involvement in breeding dogs for dog fighting. His buddies are rolling over on him! That's justice.
Shot at 2007-07-30

New Rule: "The View" must be renamed, "Morning Cat Fight." Barbara, Joy, get out of the way and let these two have at it! I want to see Rosie introduce the Republican chick to lesbianism, the hard way. [slide of Rosie O'Donnell in dominatrix outfit from film, "Exit to Eden"] New Rule: Fashion and Wal-Mart don't mix. Wal-Mart's first attempt to sell designer clothing has been a huge flop. I wonder why. Oh, I know, because it's Wal-Mart. If your customers cared about fashion, they'd shop someplace classier, like the Salvation Army. The only fashion question a Wal-Mart shopper has is, "Can I get this in camouflage?" Okay, never mind. It's all right. New Rule: You don't have to email me the pictures of everything your baby has ever done. The first step, his first sand castle, his first date with Demi Moore... I don't care. I mean, how many times do I have to say it? That's not my baby, Angelina! New Rule: Rudy Giuliani has to bring the comb-over back. Americans haven't voted for a bald president since Eisenhower. Now, here's Rudy without the comb-over. [image of Nosferatu] And here he is with it! [image of John Edwards] And finally, New Rule: Jimmy Carter must be shipped off to Guantanamo Bay. Last weekend, former U.S. president and current Al Qaeda operative--Jimmy Carter, launched an unprovoked attack upon democracy itself by telling an Arkansas newspaper that the Bush Administration has been the worst in history. And people were shocked... Arkansas has newspapers?! But, once again, we were sucked into a phony controversy about who said what and how it hurts George Bush's feelings. Because when you hurt George Bush, you hurt America's feelings; and when you hurt America's feelings, you hurt the troops. And when that happens, Tinker Bell's light goes out and she dies. Now, as for Carter's assertion, I was up all night on Wikipedia doing an exhaustive study of former presidents. And while other presidents have sucked in their own individual ways, Bush is like a smorgasbord of "suck." He -- he combines the corruption of Warren G. Harding, the war-mongering of James Polk, and the abuse of power of Richard Nixon. Nixon got in trouble for illegally wiretapping Democratic headquarters. Bush is illegally wiretapping the entire country! Nixon opened up relations with the Chinese. Bush let them poison your dog. Herbert Hoover, who was literally named after a machine that sucks--sat on his ass through four years of Depression, but he was an actual engineer. And if someone told him about global warming, he would have understood it before the penguins caught on fire. Ulysses S. Grant let his cronies loot the republic, but he won his Civil War. Harding...Harding sucked, but he once said, "I am not fit for this office and never should have been here." So at least he knew he sucked. He never walked offstage like Bush does after one of his embarrassing, language-mangling press conferences--with that smirk on his face like, "Nailed it!" Or maybe that's just the look you get when you have a showdown with the Democrats, and you win. Like he just did with Iraq. You don't get to become the worst president ever without a little help from the other side. You know, I like Jimmy Carter, but when the -- when the Republican "fake outrage" machine pretended to be so upset at his remarks, Carter did what Democrats do, and backed down. He said his words were careless and misquoted, and the sun was in his eyes, and his hearing aid went out, and he was molested by a clergyman. Instead of looking them in the eye and saying, "No, I meant what I said because it's true! And speaking as the first citizen of Habitat for Humanity, let me take out my Jimmy Carter toolbox and build you a house where we can meet, and you can blow me."