redscorpio's blog: "New member in my family"

Talk about a mental and emotionally drained. Dealing with my childrens father is just that. He has changed his mind and how he felt about me and our family more times than a girl changes hers about what outfit to wear or about what they want to eat. He is worse about that and takes longer to get ready than any of my friends. I am so glad that I have all the friends and support that I have. I haven't gone back to work yet, but everyone who knows has been there and helping out and letting me vent. Soon I will find a man that has me in his world and actually helps support me and my kids even though they were fathered by some man that can barely take care of himself. Someone that is ready to settle down and have a family and that knows what he wants in life and isn't just test driving women like another man who sees women just as a bunch of cars trying to find the right fit. Come on! I don't want another child I need to raise i'd rather have a full grown man who has a job and his own place and doesn't do every little thing that his mother tells him and isn't so easy to be controlled by her. Someone who thinks for himself. I am tired of constantly hearing I'm sorry from him. It's to the point where it feels more like he isn't sorry and trying to convince himself that he is. I love my kids to death and wouldn't change them for the world, the father and his family on the other hand I regret ever taking him back for any of the stupid shit he did. I regret saying yes to his proposal at the ice caves I should have known he didn't want to get married. I almost bet he never even cared or loved me the way I thught he did. He might have felt something he got confused with thinking it was love. He doesn't know what it really is or what it means to be in love or even what unconditional love was till he met me and I showed him how nice random acts of kindness and love felt like. I thought I helped him become a better man and the right way to treat women I guess I was wrong. He lied from july on till our daughter was 3 days old thinking it was wise and less stressfull. Bull it has put me in a depression while I have lack of sleep and energy with a 15 month old and a newborn. How smart is that? I say it isn't. I wish he would go away forever and leave me and my new small family alone, we would be better off.

ahhhhh!!! I’m going crazy! okay so I have 2 weeks left of my leave and I can take up till the 11th of October off but I'm already going crazy sitting at the house with the kids or when my grandma takes Lucian or even when I go over to someone else's house, I'm still going crazy. I need to get out with more social interaction with people, new people and guys. I realized I only have one guy friend that I can talk to and he is in Boise. HELP! I just need to get out more. I'm hoping to be able to get out a little more once I get somethings finacially set with some of my new bills. most likely next month which also will be my 22nd birthday at the end of the month. Oh, so lonely.

I have had my daughter as of August 30th at 6:28pm. she was 8lbs 14oz and was 21 inches long. her head was 14 1/4centameters and chest was 13 3/4 centameters. no real problems. One sad thing that has happened is Matt and I ended our 2 yr off and on relationship Sunday after she was born. Matt ended up messing up again for the second and last time. I am now left alone with a 14 month old and a newborn.