MysteryLady's blog: "mystery"

In March of 1997, I was pregnant with twins and one twin was pushed against my spine cause the other one absorbed in my uterus but the amniotic sack didn't. They never realized it until it was too late to do anything about it. I went into the hospital 8 weeks early and they were trying to keep the baby in me since the sack that broke was empty there was nothing wrong with the other one to give her a chance to grow. 3 days later, I called the doctors in and said I feel pressure I have to push, they said no you dont she is already out. I was only 16 years old. I was faced already with all the doctors telling me throught the whole thing to abort the pregnancy but like any mother I gave my child the chance that she deserved. Weighing only 2 pounds 10 ounces, she could fit in the palm of my hand and she had hypo plastic left heart syndrome which mean that only the valves on the right side of her heart worked the ones on the left didn't, so once the aeorta closed which is a path to help blood flow for the firlt 4 days of the childs life, then all her blood would pump to her body but not her heart. They had tubes and ivs all over her little helpless body and I went in there and started singing to her and she came out of the comatic state that they had her in and they kicked me out and pumped more drugs in to her. It was so hurtful, I couldnt sleep all I could do was sit beside her. She was too small for surgery and was so helpless. They had to keep moving the iv's cause she was so small that her little verins were collapsing, and they were bruising her little body everywhere. I finally went to bed after 42 hours, and the doctor came in to wake me up and tell me that she was not doing well, so I decided that I had had enough and I gave her the fair chance that she deserved, I called my mother to let her know to come up to the hospital that it was time to let her go. My mom came up with a friend of mine, and i went into the room and had to wait for 3 doctors to come in and witness me sign the paper that I was releasing all the machines from her and the life support machine. I requested that they did not give her anymore shots so that I could see her alive once more, and see her eyes once more before she died. They agreed, 10 minutes later the nurse came in with a needle and I was arguing with her, she gave her the shot. I was so pissed how dare her do that to me. I said I didnt want it done. The doctors came in and unhooked all her machines from her, she got into my arms took one inhale and exhaled and didnt do it again. Her little body just lay there in my arms. Lifeless, though I knew she was still alive and just didnt have the energy to move or breathe on her own. I hurt so bad. I held her for a long time, I let my mom hold her and then I took her back and the doctors came in two times to see if her heart was still beating it was. The third time they came in I laid her onto the crib and said mommy loves you baby, and he put the stethacope to her heart and when I was done saying that and kissed her, her heart stopped, forevermore. Was I wrong to want to see her alive once more, or was it selfish for me to ask them to let her feel the pain of her dying in my arms? She turned grey and I could not handle it anymore, so I handed her to the nurse and she was rocking her while I walked down the hall to leave the hospital, and I got to the end and turned around and went back in there and told her to give me my baby back. I was losing it screaming, and crying, the pain is so unreal. writing this and reliving it in my mind, is absolutely unbelievable. I sat awake planning her funeral arrangements, and cremation for 96 hours straight with no sleep. By the way her name was Aeryanna and she had dark black hair with the skiest blue eyes you could ever imagine. She was absolutely amazing. I think that this was an angel sent to me to show me that I had to change my life and my ways. To make me wake up and realize that life is so serious. I know you are never given more than you can handle, but I wish in my life I was not trusted so much. I am strong !

I guess the first thing I write should be about myself. So I am a 27 year old female with 4 children. I grew up in a broken household, my parents divorced when me and my sister were 6 and 7 years old. My mother got custody of me and my father got custody of my sister. We had weekend visitation with each other. Worked out sometimes, sometimes it didnt, shouldnt have been our fault. We were like pawns in a chess game to out parents. Used. My mother met someone and he was very abusive to her, we were in and out of that house between there and shelters for 3 years of my childhood, before she met someone else who she thought she would be with for life, and married him after a very short time. He was a coke head and very physically abusive and mentally abusive towards her, and he raped my step sister in my face and told me if I ever tell he would do worse to me. He molested me rubbing noxema all over my body. Saying did it feel good. I never told. They divorced and we went back to the one before this time she got pregnant and shit hit the fan, he was even more abusive towards her, I used to run and call the cops at my neighbors house. He kidnapped my brother at 6 weeks old, threw him on the truck seat, and drove away,only to come back cause he forgot his wallet, the police came right behind him, to take him away and let him go cause she wouldnt press charges, I tried, I was too young. We moved to NY, where my moms family was at that time. Things were better there, except that I was the black sheep in the family at this young age and never knew why. Even my father would tell my mom that I wasnt his when they would fight. huh. ok that is enough of a thought for now.I will continue to put more of me in my next thought to come out.