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What are you waiting for?
Okay so where to begin...
New revelations about my relatively new relationship today have show some new wonderful things as, well as some startling things.
I've found out and/or, come to realize that in order for things to work out I am just going to have to dig down deep and, stay
strong as well as focus. As each day goes by I fall deeper and, deeper into the abyss and, I have already fallen farther than I can ever
retrieve. I love this woman with all of my heart and, my soul. The only thing is my very being, my nature just who I am hurts this woman.
I have to go against my self, my thoughts, my beliefs and, my upbringing just to not make her feel uncomfortable in my presence. In other
words I have to go against and, fight myself. I have to tear myself apart and, change who I am. This is something I have promised myself
that I never would do. So far in this life I have never done so. Either accept me for me, for all that I am and, all that I am not or, carry on.
I fear I am in a no win situation. I am fighting a losing battle. I know I am out manned, out gunned and, out maneuvered. I am damned if I do and,
damned if I don't. I do this and, maybe I have a chance of having my dreams come true. I don't do this I will hurt the one I love, chase her away
and, in the process watch my heart crumble yet again. I am stuck in a place with no light to guide me, no sounds to break this miserable silence and,
no warmth to soothe my cold skin. Once more I am so lost and, so confused. Inside I feel it all should be so simple. I ask myself why do we as
one of the more intelligent life forms on this planet make our own lives so very complicated? Is it a insurance policy or, an easy back-up plan? Do we
need to create these problems in our lives in order to feel safer then when there are none? Or is it the simple need to be the one who in control of our
own lives? I am a walking contradiction in a sense myself. I have bottled up so many negative emotions, memories, and, experiences in my life. Yet on
the flip side I can not contain the positives ones that I feel for the one that I love. What do I do when those same thoughts and feelings are a
discomfort to her. They push her away from me and, give her the thoughts of leaving me here alone. I have been raised to be the gentleman who
always compliments his woman and, make sure to go out of the way to let her know she is wonderful. Make her known that she is loved and, unique in
my own eyes. As of now I do not know what to do to keep these things to myself. Only that I have to do so or, risk losing her. Until the answer
becomes clear this new journal is going to have to do the trick. So for now I wait, watch and, see what happens.....
