Rah Rah's blog: "My Confessions"

SoOoOo yeah, yesterday was better than the day before. Alex came and got me from work <3 listening to him to try to grasp the concept of directions was humerous.. Men and directions..do not mix..at all haha. We couldnt decide what to do so we drove around. Took the road by my house.. Looked at "xmas lights". Haha, I love being navigator <3 I pointed out reindur.. Haha which was alot.. Apparently people in York like the light up reindur.. Pathetic really.We did a big circle.. Ended up on Reynolds Mill, Im like OoO Douchebags house is by here BOOOO nah no cold blood. But I did say yea I was on this road alot.. and I mentioned Ricky the Racoon. Good timez Manda good times. Than around 900pm we came back to my house from our adventure.. I realized he likes to go around corners at like 50 mph.. I was kinda shakie on that.. Ever downshift at 50 mph in a Mustang when its stick? Its scary as hell haha. I was like "Watch for Rudolph the ReinDURRR" and got "Yes dear" from him like 5 times.. Im like deer? I got meh back scratched till like Manda came.. mwahaha Around 930ish Manda came and got me from meh house.. well parking lot.. I saw her pull in and ducked.. hahahaha Im so evil, she was all walkin down to my house I was like What do I dooooo? So I had to scream her name. Shes like where are you? Im thinking up your butt now get over here dammit.. We went to the mall, I finished meh xmas shopping for Mom and basically almost done wif Dad. I didnt start Manda Panda yet.. Rut rooo. I hate xmas right now.. But shit happens. So yea the xmas party is tonite.. Matt house.. Im iffy.. But Im brining Manda Panda and Alex. That should be good. Ill get "whos that" like a trillion times, refering to Alex.. Although two of my aunts already saw Alex and gave me a werid look.. Eh, oh well. Im allowed to have male friends dammit! I noticed I have alot more guy friends than I did before.. Its scary really.. Anyway, Bryce is gunna be there at the party.. that'll be interesting. I showed him some of my other pics.. Yea hahahaha.. (Nothing too horrible) Some lady at work last nite was liek you lost alot of weight Sarah.. Im like is that code for I was fat? My ass is smaller..Theres also a bruise on it.. Yea, FUCKER.. Ill get him back.. So I was going to ask Alex what it was, wether I was fat but hes only known me for a month.. so i decided not to because him and I already had that conversation on assets..hahahaha. Yeah Also came to conclusion Mandas a mexican magnent.. I get black guys.. Wtf is up with that? I mean I get looked up and down by these guys when theres a guy standing right beside me..No respect dammit.. NO RESPECT. I literally hid at kmart the other day..hahahaha " Shh they cant see me." So yea.. Crazy Scary. I might go see Matt at the graveyard sometime this week or next week. I dunno, Imma talk to Bryce about it. Im scared. I hate graveyards. Holiday party at work today.. Fun fun. Than Im off till Saturday. WHOOOO. Yeah.. Im tired of working four days in a row.. IT SUCKS. Im going duckpin bowling Friday. Im kinda iffy on that... hahaha I was like to Alex and Amanda, dont be surprised if I take out a window.. roflmao.. Be afraid..Be very afraid. Daves not going.. Eh. I have complex feelings on that kid. He asks to many questions about Alex and I. Yea it gets annoying.. My parents dont ask questions, why should he be able too.. Welp thats about it.. Im going to go leave some ppl some lovin' than get meh shower.. Happy Holidays, because apparently.. Merry Christmas is not politically correct according to Amanda.. Roflmao.. <3 Sarah "Each day I wake up wondering who die will day today, wether Ill live tomorrow, each day I wake up to wondering how thin my bloods running, how bad my nerves are, each day I wake up to wether my mom will live another day, each day I wake up to guilt and remorse about Mathew, each day I wonder how I'll be hurt, each day I cry silently and you do not notice most likely, each day I ask myself why, each day I wonder more and more..." - Sarah-Ann Remember the Name - Matthew, shits changing mad fast. My whole personality is overturning, I care even less than before. Trust no one. Keep your friends close.. and your enemies even closer.. I open myself up just to allow critizism in and anger out. Silently wishing each day lastest shorter and shorter. Nobody has an idea of what Im thinking.

So yea for the past like 4-5 days Ive veen sick. It all started off from me being hot, so I turned my fan on.. Well I fell asleep with it on and and I ended up getting sick.. Yay Go Sarah.. haha. So Yea I was getting better till Saturday came around.. I went out with Mandy and got into a bunch of shit, screamed, flicked people off, hung out of the camaro, the usual shit.. and yea.. I lost my voice on Sunday from it.. Im getting slowly better. Right now my stomach just hurts.. Gahhh. I go back to work tomorrow. .BOOOOO.. lol. Im also redying my hair black so yea, keep checking for new pics.. Prob will take new ones tomorrow after work =) -- Rah Rah --

So I came home from work and I new my Mom had her test today.. The doctor first told her it was Scoliosis.. Well now they're saying it isnt that, and it could be either MS or Leukemia.. Wtf do they mean it could? These are suppose to be our doctors, not dicking us around.. Its like if its Leukemia, wtf am i going to do.. I already lost two grandmothers and a cousin.. After Matt I cant bare to lose anyone else for awhile.. This is my Mother for Christs sakes. Yea we bitched and shit for the past 18 years but I cant lose her.. Not now. I keep thinking of what would happened if she died, of all she would be missing throughout my life.. Remembering the kids from school who alrady lost their Mothers.. I never realized that it could happen to me. Its like I never really cared if I died, but after I lose my parents Im alone. Im only child, I don't have anyone else. Im so incredibly terrified, I have never been this scared about anybody dying in my entire life. I feel so guilty for every time that Ive done her wrong, that Ive yelled or havent done something for her. Than all Ive been heearing is hope for the best, wtf is hoping going to do if she already has it. WTF am I going to do. People have no realization of how fucked up I truely am. I know that sounds absolutely horribly, but I am mentally unstable. I know I am. Im not crazy, but Im not all there since Matthew died. Its like all I wanted in life was to have the people who I love around me, I wanted to get married have kids, and just be normal. I'm scared I'll never amount to anything.. Ive never really had a friend who I could honesty talk to. Everyone says they understand but I know they have no clue and in their minds they are prolly just analyzing the situation and laughing at me. I just wish I had one person who tried to understand me, who didnt judge me, who would hold me when I cried, and talked to me when I needed them.. Just one person.. Ive been more suicidal in the past 8 months than Ive been in the past 18 years. Like before it was the teenage drama, oh I hate life such and such, now its straight up I dont want to live if this shit keeps happening. I understand there are people out there in worse situations than myself, and I give them kudos on dealing with it as strong as they do, but I cant do that. Im so afraid of being alone, of dying alone... I know i most likely do not make any sense and Im sorry for whoever is reading this. I dont mean to sound all depressed and emo, I just needed to vent, even though it really didn't help.. but yea.. thanks for your time.

So why is it even if I talk to one fuckin guy that everyone automatically assumes either theyre trying to get into my pants or Im trying to get into theirs. No I dont fuckin use people. So thinking that I do, shows apparently how well you do not know me.. I would never use someone due to the simple fact that Ive been used so many times previously in my life. Am I not allowed to have friends. Who the hell are you to fuckin judge me? Are you my father? No. Even if so. I wouldnt give a shit, as much as I do not give a shit now. You act as if you do not care for how many months now, telling me that I never fuckin talk to you unless I want something, when its always me the one trying to get ahold of you. Think about it. Even when we were dating, who was the one who always called you, I always IMed you, it was always me. I confess I am not perfect, I confess that I have flaws, but Im not a criminal, Im not a bad person, and as much anger as I have for you right now I still care about you. I wish you could realize how much I do care. If I have hurt your feelings in the past, which I know I have, I apologize, but you have to realize that their were reasons. If I like somebody Im going to talk to them, wether you like it or not. I dont tell you what to do, so do not try to tell me what to do. You have no power over me. Theres way too much shit going on in my life right now for this childish drama. I wish you would speak your mind, be a little open, tell people how you feel. People cannot read minds. As much as you may think people can read you, they can't. Do me a favor and dont judge me. You barely know me. Ive changed so much, and you have no idea how, or which way. Respect me and I'll respect me. Judge me and I'll judge you. Hurt my heart, I'll slit your throat.