Chili Cook-Off >
> > > If you can read this whole story without laughing, >
> then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. >
> This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili >
> cook-off in Texas. >
> > > Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you >
> pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction >
> of the third judge is even better. For those of you >
> who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. >
> They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time >
> Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion >
> of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. > >
> > Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named >
> Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL. >
> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a >
> judge at a chili cook-off. The original person >
> called in sick at the last moment and I happened to >
> be standing there at the judge's table, asking for >
>directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call >
> came in. I was assured by the other two judges >
> (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that >
> spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free >
> beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became >
> Judge 3." > >
> > Here are the scorecard notes from the event: > >
> > CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI > >
> > Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. >
> Amusing kick. >
> Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. >
> Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is >
> this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. >
> Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst >
> one. These Texans are crazy. > >
> > CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI > >
> > Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight >
> jalapeno tang. >
> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers >
> to be taken seriously. >
> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. >
> I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides >
> pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to >
> give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in >
> more beer when they saw the look on my face. > >
> > CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI >
> > > Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. >
> Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers. >
> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium >
> spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting >
> Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me >
> more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the >
> back, now my backbone is in the front part of my >
> chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer. > >
> > CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC > >
> > Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. >
> Disappointing. >
> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good >
> side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of >
> a chili. >
> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my >
> tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to >
> burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing >
> behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to >
> look HOT . just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili >
> an aphrodisiac? > >
> > CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER > >
> > Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers >
> freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very >
> impressive. >
> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use >
> more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a >
> strong statement. >
> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring >
> off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, >
> and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant >
> seemed offended when I told her that her chili had >
> given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from >
> bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the >
> pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It >
> really ticks me off that the other judges asked me >
> to stop screaming. Screw them. > >
> > CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY > >
> > Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. >
> Good balance of spices and peppers. >
> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of >
> peppers, onions, garlic. Superb. >
> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe >
> filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself >
> when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. >
> No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that >
> Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my >
> butt with a snow cone. > >
> > CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI >
> > > Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance >
> on canned peppers. >
> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally >
> threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. >
> **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # >
> 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is >
> cursing uncontrollably. >
> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, >
> pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've >
> lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it >
> is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with >
> chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My >
> pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least >
> during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. >
> I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. >
> Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I >
> need air, I'll just suck it in through the >
> 4-inch hole in my stomach. > >
> > CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI > >
> > Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice >
> blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to >
> declare its existence. >
> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced >
> chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most >
> of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, >
> fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of >
> himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor >
> feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot >
> chili? >
> Judge # 3 - No Report
