Five Levels of Hangovers
One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness.
You're able to function
relatively well. However, you are still parched.
You can drink 5
cokes and still feel this way.
For some reason, you are craving a
steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss.
You may look okay, but
you have the mental capacity of a staple gun.
The coffee you are
chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still
tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House
excursion.
There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your
bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy.
You are definitely not
productive.
Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume
reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends
dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns.
You've had 4 cups of coffee, a
gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke--yet you haven't peed
once.
Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing.
You can't speak too quickly or
else you might puke.
Your boss has already lambasted you for being
late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.
You wore nice
clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side
of your face.
For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on
while riding the bumper cars.
Your eyes look like one big red vein,
and even your hair hurts.
Youʼre a$$ is in perpetual spasm, and
the first of about five sh**s you take during the day brings water
to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate spit so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to take a dump results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'Floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'Floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over youʼre a$$. Death sounds pretty good about right now...
*****
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon
*****
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity; British Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder;
Loquacious; Transubstantiate
*****
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
1.) Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2.) Nope, no more booze for me.
3.) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4.) Good evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight.
5.) Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
6.) Sorry I'm being such a jackass.
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A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...
but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, 'Damn, we really screwed up
