The Dhampir Isa's blog: "Lost"

My heart is breaking and all I can do is sit and watch my heart break. I know that I love him more than life itself and that I would give my own if it meant it would save his life. I know that he is the only one for me. I know that I would never leave again and yet I can't seem to show him that. I love him so much that it literately burns down to my soul. Every waking thought is of him, every dream the same. I call out to him in my sleep I have been told every night. He is literately my life and there is no other.

Now my problem is that he is confused, not in his heart and soul, but in his mind. He fears that I will run again and leave him as broken as I have feared so long that he would leave me.  I have hurt him so many times and I can't change that, but I want so badly to prove that I would never do it again. My problem now is that I think he is so afraid that I that I would run again that I may not get a chance to prove to him that I won't run, I can't run again.

Baby, I know that I can't fix what has been done, but I want the chance to prove to you that I am not that person that I was back then when I gave into the fear. I am so much stronger, and yet so much weaker. My vunerability to you has increased 1,000 fold. I know that you need time to figure out what is inside of your head, but I want you to know that I am breaking a little more everyday. I need to hear you tell me that you love me, that you want me forever. I am yours, whether you want me right now or not. I can't imagine my life with anyone but you, can't breathe without you. You are my life, my world, my eternity. Please give me the chance to prove my love to you, please just one more chance and if I fuck up I will never ask for another. All I need is one chance, just one. I love you more than all things on all planes combined together and I want to be with you until the end of all enternities, now and forever.

I have lost myself, everything that I have call myself has changed and its all a result of an admitance to myself. The sorce of my being lost is a man, go figure right. I have loved this guy for years, even before I met him if thats even possible, but now I've admitted it to myself I'm afraid to even talk to him. Pathetic right?

I love him more than myself, more than anything else that I have ever loved before combined together. He is my everything and I just wish that he could see it. It hurts to think that I may have lost him because he is everything to me. I can't breathe without him running through my mind, can't wake without wondering if he is alright or what he is doing. I know that he is the one. I know that he has always been THE ONE, THE ONLY ONE.

I ran away so many time from him. Ran away from the love that I felt for him. It's just that I have been left by or beaten by every man in my life that I have ever felt love for and I was afraid that he would do the same. I mean in my heart I know and have known that he wouldn't do that, but it was a paralyzing fear. It was a fear that I have taken four years to be able to conquer to be able to admit to myself much less to others. I just pray every minute of every day, to gods that I don't even believe in and some that I do, that I haven't run so many times that I ruined my chance to be with him....to be truly happy with the man that I am 100000000000000000000000000% in love with.

For THE ONE that I am talking about: I love you, always have and always will. I will never leave again. It would kill me to even think about doing it again. You are my life, the very air that I breathe. I love you and I will never be able to tell you that enough times or even be able to tell you exactly how deeply the love runs. I love you!