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If you didn't know already, then you must have missed last night's truck race- which literally RACED down to the finish. Then, tonight's Busch (or Nationwide as they call it thse days...) that's finish was just as phenomanal! GO MATT! Way to start a little bit o- Daytona action- start in the back and pull out a top 5. THAT'S MY DOG!!!

Very early this morning, my grandmother passed. Truthfully, I did not think it would affect me so much. I was really just worried about my mom, since this was her step-mother. As I have told so many of my close friends, the term "step" when it comes to those in my family, does not hold much accuracy, as most of the "steps" in my family have been "steps" for so long they have become non-steps, in the natural terms. Just like the "half" siblings I have, they are not half, or step, but whole. As I wished myself in to forgetting my memories, they came back. I didn't get sad. I became nauseatited. My "step" grandmother has been my grandmother for many years. Just like my "step" grandfather, as it is with my "step" mother, these people have been a part of my life for so long that there is no politically correct terminology that can leave them anything other than a member of my beloved family. The years have passed, and when she did I did not know her as well as I once may have. But that does not discredit who she is and will remain in my memory. I do hurt for my mother, as this woman was so much a part of my life, she was so much more for my mom. My biological grandmother passed in 1994, and I am still unable to recall my beautiful grandmother with my mother, as it pains her so. Grandma Kate was the last of my mothers parents to go. This is why I worry for her. As she ws my last grandparent to go (and the last of my mothers parents), I know this somehow disconnects our family tree from the rest of the living world. All I wanted tonight was to not be alone. I did not want to come home. At the same time I did not want to be out, or around anyone. I told one friend this, and he complied. He then convinced me to go out, as this might be best, to be around people. It was good, until I realized history repeats itself. Back before the days of The Girl, I had many friends. We hung out, we partied, we did whatever. When I became pregnant and could no longer go out, I was forgotten. Tonight I realized even without child, I am still forgotten. I went out tonight, only wanting love from those I thought would give it to me, and they had so much more going on that they did not have time to give it to me. I know that the world should not revolve around me, but for God's sake, I left the bar and nobody even noticed. Am I selfish to have wanted to be around people? Or did I just choose the wrong people to want to be around? After all of this, even my boyfriend is mad at me for going out. My two loverlie girls, Amelia and Heather, were the two that truly wanted my company. They were the two that either sat with me or offered to sit with me, no questions asked. When this all came down, the first to hug me was Heather. I didnt cry, but when I came damn near it, it was on Heather's shoulder. Why is it, after so many years, I KNOW that the people from work are likely not my friends? I have so many times over established my drinking buddies from my true friends. Why have I been suckered again? Did I once again think that just because I needed people to be my friends that they would be? Why have I learned a lesson over and over again only to be re-taught that very same lesson? My heart is now coming off of my shoulder, with everyone but those who proved to me tonight that they were true. All I wanted was company, and so few people offered it to me. Those who did, really rock my world. Those who didn't, somehow, even in my moment of clarity, managed to shatter it. Rest In Peace, Grandma Kate. I'll see you when I get there.

Saturday morning, I read a bulletin on myspace that said "In Loving Memory of Missi Holderman". FUCK! I dont live in South Florida anymore. I havent since 1996. But I GREW UP there. That is my home, or the place I have always called home because it was where I was born and raised. Missi was a friend of mine. After Hurricane Andrew, she was one of my best. When I first found out the details of her death, I was mad, Then, on the way to work, the sadness hit and I began crying as I drove down the road. My daughter was in the car with me. She said, "Mom, whats wrong?" I replied "Nothing baby." She said, "Why are you crying?" I said, "I'm sorry, baby. Mommy just found out an old friend has died." She said, "So thats not good is it?" I said, "No baby, its not." She said, "Did you love her?" Thats when I lost it. I once found Missi on myspace, about four months ago. I sent her a message to see how she was. She was fine. She isn't anymore. She is gone now. Forever. Last week she was the victim of a carjacking, where the driver/jacker lost control of the car and ran in to a semi head on. She died instantly. SO did he, but fuck him. My dear childhood friend has now been taken from this wrold.When I cried, I began to think back to us, as little girls. Now keep in mind, this is age eleven or twelve, when we were such badasses and had nothing to lose but the privileges our parents would take away if they knew half the shit we were doing. Her parents worked days, as did mine. I often went to her house and we would manipulate the bottles of liquor in her house, only to fill them up with water. We would sneak boys over while her parents were at work. We would have tons of people over only to frantically clean the house before her mom or step-dad got home from work. My favorite memory was when one time her step-dad came home erly and we somehow managed to sneak everyone out on to the roof via an upstairs window. Now that I recall, it was her little sisters window. I remember the layout to her house like it was yesterday and not fourteen years ago. We were good kids, we just wanted to be liked. I was there the day that Missi lost her virginity. I almost did, too, to her boyfriends friend, but I was too scared. He soon after left me for another one of our friends. I remember all of the summers filled with our crazy times. I remember HER. She was so pretty, even with her two front teeth being a little crooked. She was always such a big FSU fan, and GOD I hated her for that. I stole her FSU scrunchie once upon a time. I only did it cuz I was jealous I couldn't find a UM scrunchie. I still have pictures of her. I dont know Missi anymore, but I love her. I didn't lie to my child. I cried for her. I am crying now. I dont know what was entirely lost when Missi was taken last week, but I know, and I mean I KNOW what she once was and what she meant to me in our years of innocnece and fun. I cried for her. But more, I cried for all of us. All of us lost little girls who had nothing better to do back then but live and laugh. We had no idea what was coming. God knows she didnt. Take me back there and ask me if I would ever expect to be a single mom living in Tennessee. I would have told you to kiss my ass. If you'd have asked Missi if she would be murdered, she'd have laughed in your face as well. All of my lost little girls, the ones I poured my heart out to when I was young. I block out so much of my childhood but in all honesty, if it wasn't for girls like Missi I would have never made it. They were there for me in all of my "coming of age". I wonder if they ever thinkof me in this same regard. We all GREW up together. Missi, Christa, Eva, Christy, Kelly, Kim, Kristy, Teri, TRACY, AMI, Amber, Liz, Camille, Jennie, Angie, Jackie, Jessica, Autumn, Kristen, Jennifer, Barbara, Ivy.dont know where more than half of you are now. But in my mind, you are golden. You are all living happily ever after somewhere, in the land we could dream of back then, when we were young. None of you have ever fallen victim to any of life's hard times. When I think of you, I fall back to Redland, back to pre-Andrew, back to our freshman year. For my TRUE GIRLS...may those of you left be blessed from here on out. Once upon a time you were my world. For you, I will always be gracious for a wonderful memory, of which you will always be a part. Rest In Peace, Missi Dawn. I hope that everyone who has ever crossed paths with you can remember so much as the adorable freckles on your nose.

what do you do When the one thing you want someone to give you is the one thing they refuse to give you? When the answers just wont come? When confusion seems more a part of your life than normalcy? When screaming seems like a typical way to release? When someone you need to listen doesn't? When you love someone so much it causes you more pain than should be bearable? When you really just dont know what to say or do?

I forgot to remember... How much I loved Modest Mouse's album "Good News For People Who Love Bad News". Is that even the title of it? Well, after my CD's were returned to me from an ex, I replayed that bad boy and I freaking fell in love with it all over again. Also, how much I loved "And All That Could've Been". Another CD I lost to a random ex. Live NIN. It doesn't get much better than the live version of "Terrible Lie". (Courtesy of the Kevmeister, who burnt me the most wonderful compilation of albums this weekend.) How good it felt to be around Amelia Bedelia. Tonight was her birthday, and I am ever so glad I ventured out even if it was just for a few moments, so I could share time with her. She is one of the loveliest and her presence makes me feel happy and calm. Knowing that we may be distant at times but we can still come together like there has been no time lapse at all. That no matter how depressed I was about this time last year, it still all comes together. To think , there was a point last year where I wanted to drive myself off a cliff. Tonight reminded me that no matter how many years go by, you can still sit around with friends (Amelia, Sarah and Sarah, Bear and Steph) and listen to some acoustic Mike Robinson, and remember where it all went GOOD. Also, I can remember last year when all went BAD, when friends like Sam-U-L Shane Forrest Long, Larry, Layla and Brian watched me brush my teeth in the Park and Ride parking lot by exit 11 when I was getting ready for a Titans game. I would've brushed my teeth at home but I partied to hard for Brian's birthday the night before and they looked out for me like that. What it felt like to be on my way HOME to Homestead for my first race since I can remember. What it was like to come home to a nice house and be alone and be able to blast some NIN and write a blog (Gosh, when was the last time?!?!!? April? March, maybe?) What it felt like to be downtown. To get a greeting like I always do at the OTT. To walk downtown and see old friends that it are actually worth running in to when you dont see them everyday. How easy it is to drive on the interstate at midnight. That no matter what happened a year ago, I made it. And I made it well, thank you very much. However, I did NOT forget to remember... How much I love my friends. How good it feels to fall asleep in the arms of the man I love, no matter how crazy he is at times. And no matter where we may be sleeping. Why I once upon a time was in love with downtown Clarksville. Why I love coming home to an empty house every now and again. The lyrics to "Wish". Why I'm still here. Why I can't give up. And why I never will.

For the past few days I have felt like I am slipping back in to a funk. I hate feeling this way. Constantly feeling like I am going to cry over some dumb stuff. I cant really post this on my myspace account cuz it might insult some of my good friends. I think I am folding under stress. I havent worked in almost 2 months so I have been depending on others to help me, which is something I have never done before and obviously do not do well. The house I am moving in to is going to take a lot more work than initially expected. And the town I moved to has nothing to offer in the way of work or as it seems, social events. I know this is something I will get over as things get better, but as for right now I feel bummed out. I think what really gets to me is that none of my friends seemed to care that I left. I tried hanging out with quite a few of them before my last night in Clarksville to no avail. Maybe I am just being a whiny, sensitive brat. That’s probably what is going on. Sorry to bore you. I will feel better soon. And we will see which ones of my lovely friends make time for my visit and birthday this weekend….