LiL Devil's blog: "just stuff"

so this entire month has a been pretty much a living HELL for my family and me. my dad was diagonised with Congesitve Heart Failure earlier this month, he also has high blood pressure, high choslteral (so i cant spell bite me), and only about 24% of his heart is working (normal person is around 68%), he had a heart cath preformed on both sides of his heart this past weds, no blockage...thats good...but he does have a badly leaking valve in his heart. so now he must go back to his cardiologist and decided when/where/if they are gonna do surgery to correct this problem. now on to my mom she has been diabetic (type 2) for years and well over weight (nothing new here) well she's catching hell from her boss at Forrest General Hosptial cuz the bitch women hates new nurses, so mom is now stressed out and having to stay at job she dreads going to bc we need the insurance for my dad so her evil boss lady sent her to be evaluted by another dr who put her on antidepressants (yet again she took them 9yrs ago when ricky died). now mom has a bad staph infection under her arm, it goes really deep and is really painful, well she had surgery on it today on the spot and has to stay in the hospital over night cuz she has to take a antibotics that can only be given by a drip (IV). now to my sister: her hubby decided he doesnt love her anymore, put her out, kept the car and their kids, and wants a divorce... thats it there. on to lil ashtin: he has a staph infection on his thigh. poor lil guy had a huge red area covering his thigh, it hurt him so much that he could barely walk. well the wound busted open last night and i had to take him to the ER last night to have minor surgery on it. i felt like a horrible mommy while they did the surgery cuz all they did for my poor lil guy was give a shot around the wound (which was also tender as hell) and three stangers were holding him down while a 4th was cutting on him and hurting him... he was reaching out for me and crying and screaming for me but all i could do was stand there and watch, balling my own eyes out cuz i couldnt touch him. after it was over and he was all covered up i held him and didnt wanna put him down and kept telling him im sorry and i love him. he's feeling okay today but has to take meds for the next 10 days and i have to keep cleaning his wound, which hurts and he cries 'mommy no' which makes me again feel horrible. he is on constant meds to kill the pain so he can walk around but its not enuff. he still has some infection in his lil leg but thats what the antibotics are for. im hopeing i dont have to put him thru last night again ever again, it would kill me. oh his daddy is still a butthead and not paying child support yet, missed our court date to set that up this month bc of a 'new job'... what a fucking crock of shit. he keeps asking how i am but never about ashtin so i refuse to talk to him unless im being a bitch. anyhow this is getting to be long sorry but this is all of like the past 19days. as for me im fine so far... just breaking down and losing my mind and wondering what is gonna happen to me when. i'll keep all of my friends posted on whats up with everyone when i can. and i just dont feel like talking about the 'relationship' im in right now for personal reason, so dont ask.

Here's a little something I read not too long ago out here. Thought you all might like it and will pass it on to everyone you know. Much love to you all and Merry Christmas :) I couldn't help wonder, how many lay alone, On a cold Christmas Eve, in a land far from home, The very thought, Brought a tear to my eye, I dropped to my knees, and started to cry, The soldier awakened, and I heard a rough voice, "Santa don't cry, this life is my choice; I fight for freedom, I don't ask for more my life is my god, my country , my corps." The soldier rolled over, and drifted to sleep, I couldn't help it, I continued to weep, I kept watch for hours, So silent and still, And we both shivered, From the cold night's chill, I didn't want to leave, On that cold dark night, This guardian of honor, so willing to fight. Then the soldier rolled over, with a voice soft and pure, whispered " carry on Santa, It's Christmas day, all is secure" One look at my watch , and i know he was right, "Merry Christmas my friends, and to all a good night."

so yeah as of today i started a new diet. dont get me wrong i know im not fat but im just not quite as happy with my body as i was pre-baby and he's almost a year old now, so the belly fat isnt cool by me anymore. so im only gonna try this for a month wish me luck. im taking the diet pill SlimQuick, drinking one engery thing called Energy Shot, eating less than 1200 cal, and exersiceing. so im hopeing that i'll get rid of this little bit of extra weight around my tummy in a month. i started today and i'll end on June 30. a whole month and one day. please feel free to leave your opinion on this matter here or privately email your thoughts. you can support me, fuss at me, or remain netural its your choice. and no this isnt the first time i've done the weight loss thing, more like the 5th. thats right i wasnt always little even before baby, i was a big girl in Middle School and part of High School. but back then when i got tired of my body i lost weight the WRONG way. thats right folks i became Aneroxic, yeap yeap sure did. and i've fought with it ever since i was 17, its not an easy battle especially when i start loseing weight so i def need support right now from those that know and love me so i dont fall back into that trend. im prob one of the few that will ever openly admit i developed an eating disorder and still struggle with it, so yeah sometimes when i look in the mirror i do see "that fat chick" i used to be but in my mind i know better hell i wear a size 5 or smaller theres not a chance im fat. well later ppl. love ya much.

so this is about my first time, the lose of my innocents and the beginning of a new me. the me that no one wanted to see until now or accept was going to me. Only a few choice people know of my decision to lose my innocents. I walk into the room with my two best friends with me. I refused to go at this alone, I needed and wanted their support. The guy is a pro at this, in fact i was told he's the one i wanted to do this, to steal my innocents and change my life forever. His name is Danny. he tells to me to have a seat in the chair, he talks to me and my girls for a few making sure i really wanna do this b/c there is no going back once he starts. I assure him that i want to do this and i want to be the one to change me forever. So he then tells me to bend over the arm rest in front of me and warns me not to jump b/c it will only make things hurt worse. i tell him i understand and i tell my best friend thats in front of me to hold my hand, in case i need to squeeze something due to the pain i was about to indure. At first he just touches me lightly get ready to do his dastardly deed that i've asked for. then he begins to poke me, at first i stop breathing for a min and my girl is like you gotta breath. She says look at me talk to me. I'm like about what, how can i possible talk and not think about this pain i'm in. she looks me in the eyes and begins to talk to me, it works, i dont feel the pain so much anymore. occasionally i tense up but only when he stops for a min and then starts again without warning. Danny asks me several times if i'm okay or if i need to stop for a min. I say i'm fine and if i stop now he'll never get to finish b/c i was not coming back in that room if i left. so he keeps on with his way of stealing so many people's innocents. Amazingly though i havent cried like i thought i would. my other friend is sitting behind me watching everything going on and say i'm doing fine. after about an hour we take a smoke break b/c i'm shaking like a leaf and he's done with the first half of his deed. There's some blood trickingly down from the area, but its okay it was expected. after smoking for a min we go back so the deed can be finished. Once again i sit in the chair and bend over the arm rest in front of me. this time i tell my girls that i should be okay, i'm actually feeling a little numb but i still need them there to talk to me while Danny finishes his job. It takes him another hour to finish but my girls never leave me and never let me be in pain alone. When he finished he says well nicole baby you did good and your all done. i stand up, smile at him, say think you, hand him his $200 and walk over to a mirror to see my FIRST tattoo. now go to my pics and see it for yourself, let me know what you think.

i got two pics of tattoo up. i'm so proud that i went through with it. i wouldnt have been able to do it without my two best friends, LIZ AND ROBIN, though. I love ya'll so much for there with me. PLZ let me know what you think of it... i designed it myself so that it would be different.