EmeraldHazard's blog: "just here"

yet another day in my life...lol... well, Ronnie is coming to get some of his things today while I'm gone to school. He doesn't want to be here while I'm here which i suppose I understand. Oh well, life goes on.... on a different note..... it's a lovely fall day with a slight breeze and I'm alive...lol... hmmmm, oh, Laura...bite me.... you and Dea both...haha, I had to write a paper for English class and it's due tonight... it turned out pretty good I think. I have a test tomorrow in world civ that's going to kick my ass... ugh, it's gonna be an all nighter... well, I'm off to shower.. ya'll have a great day...

Well,as many of you know, I'm in the midst of a divorce. It's been a long time coming and I finally asked him to leave. I am sorry for the pain that I've caused him, yet content with my decision. Perhaps some understand as others will belittle. Either way, I will go on. I miss my step children more than I can express and I try to keep it in for the sake of everyone around me. Alot of people don't agree with the decisions I'm making in my life right now, but it's my life to live. I'm not harming my children nor am I doing anything illegal so others will learn to cope. As i always say, if you aren't feeding me, fucking me, or paying my bills, don't try telling me what to do. Offer an opinion any time, then back off and let me do what I will with it. If I fall on my ass, it's for me to pick myself up again and keep going. Real friends will be there regardless, possibly laughing as I hit my ass, but there with a hand up tellling me to try again...lol... yeah ya'll know who you are... by the way... fuckers.... stop laughing at me...haha.... Should Ronnie ever read this.... you'll never understand how much I cared for you or how I would have done anything for you, but the pain we caused each other wasn't fair to us or our children. I will always love you, but I can never be "IN" love with you again. You are a good person with a kind heart and I wish you well in life. Our life as man and wife may have come to an end, but our journey as parents travels on..... to those immediately around me (you know who you are), i'm sorry for the pain that you are enduring because of my decisions, but you must let me go this journey alone, be there as my friends and family, offer your advice, hold my hand when I stumble, but don't ridicule me as I'm not perfect nor do I expect you to be. Know that I make my decisions based on my desires and my childrens best interests and not for anyone else. I love you all..... to those of my "online" friends..... thank you for your support... being there for me to talk to is such an amazing help. Thank you for your never ending kindness as well..... my friends are much needed right now......... to me.... remember to breath.....life goes on.... smile.....laugh........love

well, got kids off to school this morning with little drama. Came my ass back to bed for a while until I was awakened by my stepfather screaming at my mother yet again. I chose to remain in bed and try to tune things out... Well, after a while my friend Gary came in to say that my mom had just called the police... then he and my husband left to go to Perry. I figured he was just messing with me until I got up and went to leave my room and there stood a big burly cop....lol... ya know, i don't really care for cops seeing me in my jammies... oddly enough... so I got my ass dressed and went outside where I found my mom, my hubby and Gary... those two got blocked in by the cop cars..As it turns out they said that they can't force him to leave and the he refuses to do so... go figure... they hung around for a few more minutes then left... so now I'm sitting here typing to ya'll while asshole is in my mothers room with the tv blaring and he's going in and out being an ass to my mother... Mom is in my brothers room which she has kinda turned into hers.... The cops say the only way they can force him to leave is if he hurts someone or tears something up... am thinking he may just have help with that if he slams that damn door one more time....

I have had yet another night of hell... My loving stepfather came through the kitchen talking shit about wanting to kill my cat and her kittens. Ok so it isn't my cat, she belongs to Laura, but that's neither here nor there. I don't like people talking that kind of shit. So I told him he would do no such thing... Well, let's just say this led to one helluva heated argument, which he walked away from. When my mother went in her room, he started in on her about me,which pissed me off so I went back there and told him to talk shit to me not her. She tried to pull me away and kept saying just to leave him alone, but my hotheaded ass doesn't know when to quit... We got to argueing so bad that he was in my face and I was in his... I wanted to smash his fucking face in.... What pisses me off is how he'll try to antagonize me by saying something quietly and then it seems to others like I'm just rambling on.. He's a sick fuck... I told him I wish he had died in his numerous motorcycle accidents. This is no way to ever talk to anyone. My husband came in the room and grabbed me by my arm which was a huge mistake... before I knew what I was doing I had my fist pulled back and told him if he touched me again I'd knock him the fuck out. I told him how I felt about him and told my stepdad he didn't deserve to breathe my air... ugh... Sometimes I just don't know when to shut up....I was so pissed I was shaking and crying....He treats everyone like they are beneath him... He said that one of us had to go so I told my mother she could keep her shitty husband and my kids and I would leave.... Needless to say after taking time to myself in the bathroom, I decided it was best not to take the kids anywhere at nearly 9pm. Well, he came out of his room and saw me and went back to his room. He came back out dressed and left. My mom asked me if I was ready to give up on my husband which I'm NOT... and she says she isn't ready to give up on hers either... I feel bad that he's gone and we have no clue where he is...but I don't feel bad that I told him what a low life scumbag he is... ugh.... my head hurts from crying... my marriage is hanging on by a thread.. I feel like life is falling apart... I just want a happy family and less drama....... sucks ass..... ugh. any advice? what do you do when you love a man so much you would die for him, and at the same time be so pissed about the things he does...'? do I keep my mouth shut with my wicked stepfather or just tell him how I feel when he's an ass? Anyone out there have a clue....? patricia

Well, I'm kinda in lazy ass mode...lol... yesterday I had the children weeding in my Moms flower bed which stretches across the entire front of her house. I spent most of my time in a chair barking orders at the kids. I kinda half ass managed to brush Chase (my dog), but she wasn't too keen on staying still for me because she hates being brushed. So anyway, me being the dumbass that I am, I decided to grab the rake/hoe-ey thing-a-ma-bobbit and help for a minute. I swear I hardly did any weeding, but my back says differently. So, I spent the majority of the morning in bed snoozing with my honey and then my oldest (who is on his last days suspension) climbed up there to lay down too. I got up noonish and got a shower. Didn't really do much of anything today though. Tomorrow I have to go to the University to sign papers for summer semester. Fun fun. Laura wants us to ride out there while we are in Americus so we may go there for a few. I kinda feel overwhelmed and empty all at the same time. Like I have all these things I need to do, yet I can't get them done. What kind of flake does that make me. Yet again, my husband is pissed at me. I get so tired of him getting upset over every little thing, yet I'm the bitchy one. Ugh, I'm not that horrible of a wife. Ok so maybe I am... My first husband said that no man on earth would ever be able to stay with me because I am such a Bitch. Well, that I am, yet I still believe that I have a good heart. I'm not a horrible person. I have bipolar and PTSD as well as OCD, so I am extremely difficult to live with alot of the time. I try so very hard to maintain my mood swings, but it isn't easy. I'm only human. Many people say they'd never notice my "disorders" if I didn't tell them, but that's because I hide it so well. Tis amazing what you can make others think of you...lol...Well, here's the truth folks, I'm as screwed up as the rest of the world... but I have my family, my beliefs, and my animals that love me as I am.... and I believe I have my friends too, though they are few... and most of you know who you are... some I don't tell often enough and I am truely sorry for that because you are all so precious to me. I don't have many "real" friends in this world... most of my friends are on this damn computer because life doesn't allow for that much "social" time when you have five children to look after as well as being fairly confined to the house. I'm not suppose to drive or even ride in a car, but I have to get out sometime or I'd go crazy so I drive to the grocery store. My best friend is my mother... My other best friends are my hubby, Gary and Laura. I use to have this incredible best friend named Mandy. That changed compliments of my intolerance for her boyfriends stupid threats to me and my children even though he and I grew up together. Oh gosh though, I miss her... it sounds like a stupid obsession to say such things, but I do. She was the kind of friend that would get up in the middle of the night to sit with ya while you sat constipated on the toilet.... the kinds that shoved her bare ass against my mothers storm door and farted just to leave that "ass cheek smiley face" on the glass. I was the one she called at four in the morning when she was home alone and in major pain from kidney stones... the one she came to when some asshole was sexually harrassing her at work.... I miss her crazy ass so much so... Gary has been my best friend since the moment I met him about five years back. He use to live with some of my previous friends, but now lives with us and is in the same University as me. He is a God send. He helps me with everything from housework, to kids, to my emotional break downs. He probably understands my disorders better than anyone in the world. The only thing this man won't do for me is wipe my ass...lol... he says that's where our friendship draws a line...lol...He is such a hoot. A few years back I had the Department of Family and Children Services wanting to take my children because my oldest told his school counselor that I beat him and threw him down the stairs. (for the record I have all the clearances on that one... my son has bipolar as well as ADHD and torretts... he does things like this for attention). Gary and Mandy were the only people that showed up to support me and help me make my house spotless. Laura was there as well, but she lived there too...lol. you know a true friend when they will be there through anything.. Laura..... ah, my husbands ex-wife and my best friend. The one person that can truely irritate the piss out of me yet break my heart all at once. She knows how to push my buttons. lol... but she's there too... no matter what... if she can get there, she's there... even to wipe my ass if need be... and yes that was embarrassing as hell. After my back surgery I couldn't do some things for myself and that was one of them. I couldn't bend to do these things, not to mention that damn brace and the 31 staples... So, between my mother, my husband and Laura, my ass and twat were taken care of....as disgusting as that sounds...She thinks it's hilarious to pick on my husband about her being between my legs...I personal feel rather humiliated that I had to depend on them to do these things for me. I even had to get sponge baths for a bit there which my husband was all too glad to help with. It doesn't matter what others say about being glad to help, it's still humiliating. I don't like to depend on others to take care of me. I suppose we all feel that way though.... Ah well, let me say a few good things now... Two of my kids brought home notes about Awards day at their school next week. I'm sure the others will have them too by the end of the week. They usually stagger in. My next to the oldest son went on a field trip today that was a reward for children that reached a certain number of AR points which is for reading on various levels throughout the year. He is suppose to be on the news tonight which is part of why I'm still up. Gotta see my kiddo on tv...lol.. Well, if you made it through all fo this then I'm impressed and very appreciative that you find me interesting enough to read through my ramblings.... I Love You All, With love, Patricia

So, those days come and go where we feel rather worthless in the fast paced life we all live. My parenting obviously sucks royally. My 11year old got ISS at school and then got kicked out of ISS and is now suspended for three days. He seems to have no respect for anything anymore. I can't for the life of me figure him out. He is such an emotional child, yet has no regard for others emotions. Ugh, how do I make him understand? Well, living back home with Mom is every bit of the nightmare that I expected it to be. I love my mother dearly and to be honest, it isn't her that makes things so miserable. It's her no good sorry ass husband that thinks everyone should bow down to him....not happening, not from this one! I don't allow anyone to treat me as their submissive unless I'm getting something in return. Believe me, he has nothing I want so that means he won't get shit from me. I do however, try to show some respect towards him. I mean really I do, I haven't killed him yet...lol... the other night he brought his dinner plate and left it on the counter with food on it. Ok so it's petty to be pissed off at that, but I'm in a damn back brace and just had back surgery, it's hard as hell to manuever around the kitchen and even harder to load the dish washer. So, I was upset and asked why he did it, he told me I'd get over it.... hmmm... wrong thing to say to me when I'm upset and crying. That plate got shattered across his motorcycle...and it sits where it landed because I have no intentions of cleaning it up... Yeah, I know, that was low down and dirty, but shit happens... this time I got the pleasure from it. Ok so perhaps I should make sure i take my lithium every day...lol. Ah, I feel better just venting a bit... Why is it that so many people think women should be able to do anything no matter what... I had major back surgery three weeks ago, I'm not taking the pain meds, but it does hurt quite a bit. I mean come on, I had thirty-one (31) staples in my back. They got taken out this past week...wahoo... that was a relief for sure... but anyway, everyone thinks I can do everything that I use to do. HUGE CLUE, I can't bend over, can't pick up anything heavier than a 12oz glass of drink. Oh well, I suppose they'll learn sooner or later, but I would suggest they learn sooner as we only have so many plates...lol.. If you are reading this, then I know you are one of my true friend as there are only a select few of you that ever ready my blogs. Know that I Love You All and I appreciate the many times you've listened to me ramble. The times you've been there for me when no one else would be....

Well, it's Friday and I'm doing my usual. Sitting in front of the computer talking to my "online" friends.... It's a bit ironic, but the majority of you are people I truely consider to be friends. For that I thank you! Surgery went well on the 11th. My blood pressure plummeted so they had to keep me in recovery for an extra 3 hours or so to try to stabilize me. It hurts to move, but I'm up walking around. Not much slows me down... ok so this slows me down, but at least I'm moving. I swear I have heard every possible joke. Yes,I walk like a damn duck now. I have earned the title's "zippergimp", dutchess of crutchess, gimp-pimp, among others.....lol...Anyone got any others they want to add? I have 31 staples in my back right now... I'll be glad to get them out too. My niece was born on Wednesday. She weighed 3lbs 14.5 oz and is 17 inches long. Ya'll check her out in my photo's... she is precious. Her name is Faith. Well,I guess I should go... talk to you all soon. Love to all

ok so nap over.... woke up to the damn phone with the people from the hospital wanting to pre-register me over the phone. Ah well, at least I got a short nap in... these damn kidney stones are kicking my ass right now... who the hell ever wants them can have them because they suck ass. I need to go pick up my meds so it will ease off some, and get the crap for the birthday cake... fun fun... I don't feel like baking a damn thing. Anyone wanna do it for me? Boy I sure sound whiney today...lol... Oh well, so that's life huh....

So here I sit in my mother's living room being bored out of my mind, wanting to take a nap, yet knowing I have a million other things to do. How the hell can I get all this shit done... Someone please do it for me or help out. I have surgery coming up in four days, my sons birthday party tomorrow in combination with an egg hunt, trying to move all our shit too. Oh yea, on that update, we are moving back in with my mom and stepdad which is a nightmare. I love my mother but her husband is a pain in the ass... he's an egotistical prick that thinks a woman should wait on him hand and foot and that shit doesn't fly with me... So anyway, we aren't planning to be here more than a month so we'll see how it goes... ok, I give up, going to take a nap.. to hell with it.... I am almost 30, I can nap if I want...lol

So, haven't heard about Chase yet... but I know it will be this afternoon before I know anything, I just am not patient at all. I woke up to my oldest crying like crazy this morning with his tummy hurting and burning up with a fever. Could this kid's week get any worse? I feel so bad for him, but hell what can I do. I am taking him to the pediatrician at 2pm this afternoon. Luckily heis feeling a bit better right now. He's drawing which is his favorite past time. Come to think of it, I really need to post some pics of his work... he's awesome... Wahoo, my fries are done... gotta love baked fries... ok so I don't do fried food anymore if possible... too much grease...bad for the heart and all that jazz. I gotta let the damn things cool some though... I'm hungry, but scared I'll puke if I eat. I want to go back to bed, but hate leaving others to take care of my child so I'll be up regardless. Can't seem to figure out things lately. I feel like people are tiptoeing around me, but not sure if it's really how things are or if I'm just cycling really bad... Probably a bit of both. You know, my life would be so much simpler if people would just be honest with me instead of pussy-footing around and lying to me. I hate that shit. Just be up front and honest with me even if you think it will hurt me. Some people (LAURA-hint hint) have begun to do so, but not completely. It's as if they expect me to go off on them. It makes me angrier to deal with bullshit lies than it does hurtful truths. Oh well, perhaps some day these people around me will understand that is the way to earn the utmost respect from me. Yet, some won't ever learn that at all. What's a person to do on a day like today....? Ah, yeah, sure I can play little miss domesticated, but why bother, the shit will be back to the same way in less than 30 minutes of cleaning up. Two days ago I had all three main rooms of the main floor clean, but before bed time that night you could hardly tell it had been touched...lol... I think Laura and Francie figured out what I meant by it being pointless for them to try to completely clean everything... it's frustrating because everything you do is ruined in a matter of minutes. It's impossible to keep up with everything... oh well, c'est la vie... Well, the hubby person is home... no telling why. I guess I should get my ass up and go get a shower for the kids appointment... fun fun... Ya'll have a great day and try not to feel so blah after reading my boring rambles...