FaDeD jOkEr's blog: "JUST 4 DA HELL OF IT"

Two senior citizens were bragging about their sex lives in the elderly homes, "Can you still do it? I have sex with my wife twice a week. How many can you do?" "Oh, I do it almost every night of the week!" "Almost every night!!?????" "Yup! Almost Monday, Almost Tuesday, Almost Wednesday,............"

A group of blondes walked into a bar chanting "51 days! 51 days!" They ordered a bottle of champagne and sat at a big table. Later more blondes came in and they joined in chanting "51 days! 51 days!" The bartender asked: "Why are you chanting 51 days?" They said, "Well, the ten of us put this puzzle together and the box says 2-4 years, but we managed to do it in 51 days!"

T'was the night before Christmas, he lived all alone, > In a one bedroom house, made of plaster and stone. > > I had come down the chimney, with presents to give, > And to see just who, in this home did live. > > I looked all about, a strange sight I did see, > No tinsel, no presents, not even a tree. > > No stocking by the mantle, just boots filled with sand, > On the wall hung pictures of far distant lands. > With medals and badges, awards of all kinds, > A sober thought came through my mind. > > For this house was different, it was dark and dreary, > I found the home of a soldier, once I could see clearly. > The soldier lay sleeping, silent, alone, > Curled up on the floor, in this one bedroom home. > > The face was so gentle, the room in such disorder, > Not how I pictured, a war weary soldier. > Was this the hero, of whom I'd just read?, > Curled up on a poncho, the floor for a bed? > > I realized the families, that I saw this night, > Owed their lives to these soldiers, who were willing to fight. > Soon round the world, the children would play, > And grownups would celebrate, a bright Christmas day. > > They all enjoyed freedom, each month of the year, > Because of the soldiers, like the one lying here. > I couldn't help wonder, how many lay alone, > On a cold Christmas eve, in a land far from home. > > The very thought brought, a tear to my eye, > I dropped to my knees, and started to cry. > The soldier awakened, and I heard a rough voice, > "Santa, don't cry, this life is my choice. > > I fight for freedom, I don't ask for more, > My life is my god, my country, my corps." > The soldier rolled over, and drifted to sleep, > > I couldn't control it, I continued to weep. > > I kept watch for hours, so silent and still, > And we both shivered, from the cold night's chill. > I didn't want to leave, on that cold, dark night, > This guardian of honour, so willing to fight. > > Then the soldier rolled over, with a voice, soft and pure, > Whispered, "carry on Santa. Christmas day and all is secure." > One look at my watch, and I knew he was right, > "Merry Christmas my friend, and to all a good night."

Two dwarfs go into a bar where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that from the next room he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again... ONE, TWO, THREE..... UHH!" all night long. In the morning the second dwarf asks the first "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection" The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed!"

I have a rare Hawiian Disease.., "Comeoniwannalayya".

Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?

Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

... the nativity scene you set up in your yard includes two pink flamingos and the baby Jesus ... lyin' in a painted tire.

All stations are to be on the lookout for the following individual(s) that are WANTED by an agency(ies) within the United States of America. The US State Department has expressed interest in extraditing the following individual(s) from anywhere in the world. NAME Kringle, Christopher Also Known As Santa, Jolly Old Man, Saint Nick RACE Unknown HEIGHT 6' 0" WEIGHT 320 lbs SCARS/TATTOOS Across both buttocks words Merry Christmas. LAST SEEN WEARING Red suit pants and Jacket with red thermal underwear. Red hat, with white tassel. KNOWN TO BE DRIVING 1964 red convertible, with a nine Reindeer powered engine. Vehicle was displaying a red light on front, in violation of the State of Alaska Vehicle and Traffic law. WANTED FOR THE FOLLOWING CIMINAL VIOLATIONS - Being Jolly in a No Jolly zone, - Breaking and entering dwellings, - Leaving un-addressed packages in violation of US Postal Laws, - Intentional dumping of reindeer feces in sewer drains in violation of US EPA Laws, - Unlawful crossing of US Borders without reporting the crossing to US Customs, - Failure to obtain a non-resident work permit from INS, - Operating a motor vehicle that is not in compliance with US DOT regulations, - Unlawful work practice in violation of the Equal Opportunity laws of the USA (Will not employ people taller than 4 feet), - Excess noise from motor vehicle in violation of State of Alaska Vehicle and Traffic laws (Sound of HO HO HO coming from vehicle), - Failure to respond to repeated request for Identification by FAA Flight controllers, Violation of the sovereign airspace of the United States of America. Individual is known to force Goodwill and Peace upon all men/women. Has been known to assault people with vicious bouts of laughter and fun. If contact is made with the above individual, caution should be taken as to not become happy & joyful, especially with thoughts of sugarplums. Detain individual and contact either Detective Grinch, North Pole Police Dept., Alaska, OR Special Agent Scrooge of the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

Twas the night before Christmas, In Texas you know, Way out on the prairie, without any snow. Asleep in their cabin, were Buddy and Sue, A dreaming of Christmas, like me and like you. Not stockings but boots, at the foot of their beds, For this was Texas, What more need be said? When all of a sudden from out the still night, There came such a ruckus, it gave me a fright! And I saw cross the prairie, like the shot from a gun, A loaded up buckboard, Come on at a run. The driver was "whistling" and "shouting" with a will, The "Horses" (not reindeer) he drove with such skill. "Come on there Buck, Poncho, and Prince, to the right" There'll be plenty of travelin' for you-all tonight. The driver in his Levis, and a shirt that was red, Had a 10 gallon Stetson on the top of his head. As he stepped from the buckboard, he was really a sight, the beard on his chin was so curly and white. As he burst in the cabin, the children awoke, Both so astonished, that neither one spoke. And he filled up their boots with such presents galore, That neither could think of a single thing more. When Buddy recovered the use of his jaws, He asked in a whisper "Are you really Santa Claus?" "Am I the real Santa? Well, what do you think? And he smiled as he gave his mysterious wink. Then he left in his buckboard, and called back in a drawl, TO ALL CHILDREN OF TEXAS-MERRY CHRISTMAS...YEE HAW!