Moon GODDESS VP HATER NATION's blog: "Incidental Writings"

My soul is twisted and writhing in pain. Locked behind the facade of well being that is put on for the rest of the world. For a few brief shining moments you held me to your chest. I expelled the breath I had not realized I was holding. My eyes flutter closed and my lips part waiting to taste your lips against mine. As they brush across, there is a feeling of vertigo. My eyes fly open and my hands flail to catch myself from falling. I cannot, once again it is to late. I search to find you and once more I am floundering. My feet leaving prints of blood from the bleeding of my heart. Faintly in the distance I can hear your heart calling to mine. How I wish to find the breaks and patch them. To make things how they should be.

I know you are there. I may not know your name yet. I may not know your face. My heart calls out to yours. I wonder if sometimes you can hear it. Its that faint yearning you feel. That thirst that is never quite quenched. It is the aching you feel deep with in yourself that never seems to abate. Then perhaps I am only seeing the things that are within myself. At times I find myself staring off, not really seeing what is there. My mind is clouded over with the sense that there are parts of me missing. As many times as I dismantle the pieces of my soul and examine them, there are always gaping spaces where something is amiss. I think of myself as a complete person. A whole entity. Stark reality choses moments to reveal that I am not what I believe I am. These are the junctures that give me such great pause. The details that I am in pursuit of are minor. Small comforts that most overlook. To awake at any point and look over to see you sleeping. To have the ability to trace the outline of your jaw with my fingers. To feel the warmth of your skin beneath my hand. To press my ear against your chest just to hear the beating of your heart and feel the rise and fall of your breathing. Soon I anticipate finding you. If fate smiles upon me the hope remains. Do you aspire for the same?

Somewhere within myself there is an oasis. A haven to escape to. Where a lush valley with fragrant flowers and a babbling brook flows quietly in the background. The area of this oasis was a much larger place at one time. Where I could kick off my shoes and feel the grass beneath my feet. Inhaling the intoxicating aromas of exotic fauna that had flourished. To maintain this place beholden to myself was simple, a few moments of happiness. The more bliss betwixt my existence, the more fervently my garden bloomed. Now when I attempt to escape to my secret hideaway, the smaller and smaller it seems. Once the edges were permeated with new growth and shoots of soft blades. Traipsing along the borders of my retreat I am astounded by the emergence of dried patches of ground. The soil that was once rich is now arid and cracked. The desolation is encroaching. How long before this harborage is completely overtaken? With your tutelage my conservatory once throughly covered all the expanses of my soul. Now that you have taken that away, how am I to maintain this on my own? Your love was the fodder that my garden drew upon for its hunger. I believe that soon there will be nothing left but a small patch of weedy grass where a single rose blooms. The petals of the rose slowly curling and becoming brittle with the lack of sustenance. I shall stand in that spot and gaze upon my desolate heart.

Some of us dream in technicolor, seeing the things that we wish to see. Upon waking the reality begins to creep back in wringing the color from life like a dishrag. Sure there are things we can do to escape this reality. Put on rose colored glasses and deny the stark focus of pain. No matter how many times you close your eyes the truth will still be there staring you in the face. As if the pain of daily living is not enough, we chose to seek out one to be a witness to our trials. Mostly in the hopes of evening out the burdens we all carry. The choice we make to share our lives is also to opt to help relieve some of the others load as well. Sometimes colors flare like fireworks against a darkened sky. These bring a few precious moments of happiness and bliss. Eventually even these moments get ground against the wheel. Until the ashes of our euphoria ride along the breeze. Leaving us once again to face the loneliness and agony. The question then follows if the moments are so far apart that when one finally happens the last event has long since faded from our minds. Are the fleeting moments enough to sustain our yen for tranquility? I spend my life constantly questioning if I merit the dreams I have. Sometimes it feels as if my feet are moving and the path is moving along with them. No closer to the apex. No closer to serenity. The uphill battle weighs upon my soul. I find myself tiring, being dragged backward by the immense weight I have burdened myself with. Is this a demeaning thing that I do to myself?? Shall I live my existence in naivety? Never facing the truth, denying the agony? So the TRUE question is, do I continue the campaign or do I retreat back into the dark recesses of myself that have been my dwelling place for so long?

There was a line from Practical Magic, always rang true for me. "Sometimes I think if you put my heart up to your ear you could hear the ocean." So many times I looked upon the expanses of my heart as a desolate plane of nothingness. There has been an awakening, like the desert getting rain. Suddenly there are growing things and beauty popping up from sleepy tombs in unmarked graves. My spirit had been cast into an eternal winter shards of ice pierced the already bleeding wounds and scars left by past failures. So many parts of myself had been locked away. Hidden and unbidden for countless years on end. Hoping that someday the holder of the key would appear. Not that I held out much hope of having that happen. Time heals all wounds they say.... funny that is a cliche that doesn't hold water. It leaks like a jar that won't seal. Hurts and disappointments piled themselves in front of caves that led to the core of my true self. Echoes of who I used to be long ago in a time far past. Here with in the confines of my secret heart is where I yearn for love that will open the flood gates. Melt the ice that has formed and let the water sluice away the transgressions purpetraded by those who had no care for how they tread upon my heart. I am not longer a young girl. The years have marked me. Time has betrayed me. For the wounds have not healed. They have festered. Breaking open from time to time to spew pustules of agony into the recesses of my heart. Do I get giddy when I think of you? Is there a time when the pangs of longing will end? Have I a care to tread lightly upon your heart, and to not pass along the wells of sorrow that have been etched into mine? Twice I have given of myself freely with the hopes of making a life that would lead to bliss. Twice the raven has tapped upon my door.. and as Poe said .. "Nevermore" Left alone and broken. The pieces of my heart a stark reminder of the costs of love. I stand upon a brink. Trying to decide to take that leap of faith. The impossible step that has before sent my hopes and dreams crashing and plummeting into the depths of despair. For even in my almost middle years I still hold the fairy tale within myself. That Love will move mountains. That Love conquers all. That there is someone out there meant for me. So I teeter almost hourly fighting a battle of my hearts choosing. Logic and sense are no armaments when the subject of love bubbles to the surface. Will I ever have peace? Is there a common ground to stand upon? These are questions that chase around in my brain as the top spins with out slowing. I am mesmerized by the ability you have to see into the parts of me and see past the false walls and hidden passageways I have erected for protection. The labyrinth of my defenses has been breeched. My soul cries out for true passion. Where once there was only loneliness and despair there is a budding sense of tranquility. It is as if I have stepped into a pool of sunlight on a warm day. The motes of dust kicked up from my steps. Swirling about my feet bidding me to take pause and sense the warmth. Or could it be that I have laid a warm hand upon the frosted pane of glass and warmth spreads like spider webs from it. Revealing the pieces of the puzzle that I thought had been lost. Odd how small misshapen pieces of the whole picture get blurred by the passing of everyday mundane events. Over looked until stumbled upon. Then when examined things become sharply focused and are juxtaposed upon a white background of an un-lived future. Brightly colored threads of possiblities are a stark contrast to the blackness that had become my soul. Can there be a time to explore these endeavors? It has been said that the things you regret most in life are the chances you never took. I no longer look behind with regret. The past cannot be altered. I can only voice my trepidations and attempt to quell the paranoia that creeps in and steals the breath from my lungs. Constricting the bellows of faith and hope. Love is a beacon, sounding the horn of truth to attract the weary passengers that have become lost within themselves. Love is an ever changing feeling. Swaying in the breeze, metamorphising into deeper and more honest territories. I dreampt of a love that would fill my life with joy. Love that could stand the winds of a hurricane. Love that could make others weep, witnessing the union of hearts. A blending of lives. Where when I look down upon our hands and I cannot tell where yours ends and mine begins. Love that when time has marred my face and body with wrinkles, will still look at me and see the person that I am and smile. The secret smile. The smile that touches your eyes and heart. The grin of knowing all of the details of their life. A smile that says that I belong with that person and they belong to me.

There was a time when I sat alone. My heart lonely and made of stone. Thoughts floating like leaves on a river. I was always the one that was the giver. An island unto myself relying on none. Hoping and praying to find that one. One that would stand the test of time. Fight the demons to become mine. Moving through the maze I created. To save myself from being jaded. You knocked down walls at every turn. Are you the one for which my heart burns? Stand beside me, take my hand. While the years race by like falling sand. Be my lover, my friend, my life. Be my rock my pillow in all the strife. Have my heart its yours to take. Happiness, misery every other emotion to make.